Hello and glad to have found you!

[Hugnothit1974]

Hi to everyone,

I've suffered with CPTSD for nearly 8 years now, but I only found out what it was a little over 2 years ago. The symptoms got progressively worse until I contacted a therapist who I thought might help. Despite describing my upbringing, the symptoms and the traumatic situation that triggered the illness (two years of abuse at the hands of a malignant narcissist that did some sub-contract work for my business), the therapist failed to identify the CPTSD and made the illness worse. This process was repeated with another therapist with the same result. It was only when my wife read about the symptoms of PTSD and linked this to my increasingly severe emotional dysregulation that finally I read about CPTSD. Eureka moment for sure!

This is the second trauma-related mental illness I've suffered from (the first was social anxiety disorder that started in 1987, treated reasonably successfully with CBT 10 years later, now not a major problem in my life).

And here is the predictable part, the main cause - physical abuse (mainly father), emotional abuse (father, mother and older brother), and the worst of them all, emotional neglect (everyone in my immediate and extended family - I was literally never kissed, hugged or told that I was loved by ANYONE (ok, there was one great-aunt that visited a few times a year from London who used to kiss me on the cheek and my so-called mother used to make a massive deal about how I wasn't going to like her doing this!!)).

Since the CPTSD revelation, I have received EMDR therapy (noticeable reduction in some of the symptoms) and continue to receive long-term support with another therapist who specialises in treating childhood trauma/CPTSD - I know because of the nature of the illness that I might never become completely well again, but I have no choice but to try everything possible to make things bearable. I have a very supportive wife and two amazing daughters to consider after all!

There's plenty I wish to say about my miserable and fearful childhood but this will take many posts and for now I would just like to say thank you for all being here and reading this first post.

Regards,

N.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Hugnothit, I'm glad you found us.  I'm so sorry for all that you have lived through and still struggle with but you are in good company.  We get it here. There's not too much you can say that we don't understand or haven't lived through ourselves.

We are involved in research studies and projects to make Complex Trauma better known.  We all know the frustration trying to find a therapist who does know about CPTSD and how to treat it. The good news is there are a lot of researchers and clinicians now trying to raise awareness and push for education and training about Complex Trauma. Ten years ago when this forum started there was hardly anything, now there are lots of books and other resources, and coming down the pipe hopefully more therapists.

Anyway, again welcome and I hope you find what you need/want here.   

[Hugnothit1974]

Hi Kizzie,

Thanks for the reply and your kind words. It is strange that it took so long for CPTSD to be recognised and still isn't in the DSM. I want to tell mental health professionals that emotional trauma really is as damaging as it is!

[AphoticAtramentous]

Welcome to the forum, N.
I'm sorry to hear about the stuff you've been through, and how your therapy failed you in some regards. I wonder how much pain would be avoided if more therapists knew of CPTSD and would actively consider it in their clients. I'm glad you have your current support lines.

I look forward to hearing about your experiences, whenever you are comfortable in sharing!

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Hugnothit1974]

Hi Aphotic,

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I agree that more therapists need to be aware of the effects of childhood trauma and CPTSD - the first therapist I saw thought I seemed dissociated (which was true in relation to my surroundings and others around me), and yet didn't link it to the obvious childhood trauma and recent narcissistic abuse that I had fully described over more than a dozen therapy sessions!

Regards,

N.

[Papa Coco]

Hugnothit1974,

A very warm welcome to the forum. Expect a lot of hugs from people here. They're virtual, but I SWEAR I can feel them when I receive them myself.

To have lived an entire childhood never being hugged or kissed just breaks my heart. I'm so glad you got your CPTSD diagnosis so you can truly grasp where that loneliness led you. Healing is a slow road, but each day we learn one more thing that makes life just one more inch better, and I sincerely hope that the friendship you will find on this forum will help to give you some of what your family wasn't capable of giving. 

The loneliness we feel as trauma survivors is not really about being alone, it's about feeling unwanted. Empty inside. Not connected to the rest of the world. But this forum has, for 3 years now, given me a sense that people do care about me. And I care about them. That's the connection I missed out on in my childhood.

I look forward to interacting more with you in coming days,

And for a nice safe welcome hug: Here is my first one for you: 

[Hugnothit1974]

Hi Papa Coco,

Thanks for your reply and your understanding of the devastating effects of never being shown affection as a child, because that's what really hurts the most from my childhood. Never mind the countless looks that could kill, the verbal putdowns, the threats and the intimidation, and even being hit with a leather belt for a childhood prank, I really believe I wouldn't have succumbed to mental illness if I had received love and affection from someone close to me.

I'm glad but sad that so many people on here fully understand that. And the loneliness of CPTSD inside my head, even though I'm not alone on the outside. Hopefully I will feel less and less like that with the therapy and talking on this forum.

And thanks for the virtual hug - means a lot!