Being expected to know everything

[AphoticAtramentous]

Feel free to move this to a better category if it doesn't fit.

This isn't the worst of neglect but just something that I suddenly wonder about... did anyone else have difficulties being expected to do something as a child that you weren't ever taught to do?  Feel free to comment anything you wish to share of your experiences.

TW: Specific examples of childhood events which includes alcohol usage

I had a random memory come up of when I was asked by my M to get her a cup of wine. I was like, I don't know how old, but obviously didn't drink alcohol myself and didn't know what alcohol % was so I filled the cup to the very brim. I bring it to her and she laughs saying "You want to kill me or something?"

Another occasion I was at the grocery shops with my M, and I was trying out my new debit card for the first time. When I got to the till I didn't know what to do because, I'd never paid for something before, and my M scoffed at for me not knowing what to do. She sat there looking at me for a while as if I would somehow learn it all instantly, eventually she took over.

Another time my M was passed out drunk over the toilet and the next day berated me for not taking her to a hospital. I didn't know she needed help, I just thought she was just... drunk? I didn't really know the threshold of drunk and in danger. (And tbf I didn't check on her really anyway because I didn't care about my parents... Oops.)

Overall, my M just had these weird expectations that I should know everything without being taught.. this included how to use the laundry machine, how to post mail, probably a bunch of other things I'm not recalling right now.
End TW.

It made me all feel so incompetent, and she made it always seem like it was my fault for not knowing. Now though as an adult I realise, "Hang on, they're my parents, they were supposed to teach me that stuff!".

These days there's still some basic things I don't know about living but I've been using Google to teach me. Technology is a wonderful thing, and unlike my FOO, I know Google won't judge me for asking questions. I also ask my partner things sometimes and he helps out a lot too. So. Am thankful for these avenues I can go to.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Desert Flower]

Hi Aphotic,
I thought about this a little and what I think is it is really neglectful and short sighted behaviour on the part of your m. It's ridiculous of course to expect a kid to be able to do these things without being taught and maybe worse is being scorned for not knowing afterwards. I can totally understand that this would make you feel very inadeaquate and uneasy. And it's not what should be expected of a parent.
What I see with my kids is when you teach them something, like baking an egg like we did the other day, and then they do it for themselves with one of us still around to help, they really feel like they've accomplished something, makes them feel good about themselves and that's really nice.

- Trigger Warning -
And now that I think about it, our m also never taught us how to cook, and then when I was out living on my own and I tried cooking something for my abuser (the abuse happened in my teens) because he wanted me to and me too I didn't really know how to so I messed it up of course and well, that did not turn out so well with him scorning me terribly too.

So yeah, I know how this feels. Not so good he. Take care Aphotic. Sending you lots of support.

[RanOnEmpty]

I experienced this ALL THE TIME as a kid. Just a few quick examples:

1. Tying my shoes. I got to an embarrasingly late age before learning to tie my shoes. After a while it became too embarrassing to ask someone to teach me, so if they came undone I either left them that way or made some excuse why I couldn't tie them ("back hurts, can't bend over," etc.). When I look back on it, it almost seems like a way my mom withheld knowledge to control me, because I know she tied them herself every single morning. Small as it sounds, I think this might actually be the main reason I still beat myself up for not getting things right away.

2. How money works. My mom handed me a bill and told me to pay for lunch with it. I got my food, gave the cashier the bill, and walked away. Suddenly I hear her voice calling me so she can give me some money BACK! Why?! I didn't know. My mom just gave me a sufficiently large bill and figured it would get sorted out.

3. Social conventions. My parents berated me terribly if I did something "rude" by not introducing them when we run into school people in public, etc. Most of the time whatever it was just didn't occur to me.

You're not alone!

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thanks for your responses, Desert Flower and RanOnEmpty.

Desert Flower, I also had to teach myself to cook. Definitely made my fair share of mistakes but I can at least learn on my own now without judgement. Sorry you didn't have a pleasant experience with your own cooking journey.

RanOnEmpty, sorry you also experienced similar woes.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Papa Coco]

Aphotic,

It's absolutely one of my biggest gripes about my family. When I'd try to do something that nobody had taught me how to do, and I did it wrong, they used to say to me, "What made you think THAT was a good idea?" (In fact, I was in Catholic school, and they did exactly the same thing: They expected me to know what it was their job to teach me. They'd ask that same stupid question, "What made you think THAT was a good idea?" It's condescending and arrogant. I used to think I was stupid because I wasn't born already knowing how to do everything that was expected of me.

I assume it was their pride, making them smile as they got to laugh while they proved they were smarter than me.

I had no answer back then. I just internalized it as having been born stupid. Today, I'd answer with, "I'm four years old. That's why I thought it was a good idea."

[Dalloway]

Hey Aphotic, I have similar experiences, but with a little "twist". My mom expected us to know something that was impossible to know because it was all in hear head.

TRIGGER WARNING
My mom had the "habit" (can´t find a better word for it) of expecting us to do something, be independent, but when we did something (for example hanging the clothes to dry or washing the dishes) exactly in a way she was doing it, she acted like it´s not good and she -- verbally and oftentimes physically -- attacked us for not doing it right.
END TRIGGER WARNING

Back then, I used to think this is because I´m so useless that I can´t do anything right, even the smallest things. Why would she behave like that otherwise? Now I know it wasn´t about me or my sisters, it was her trying to gain control over someone in order to not feel so small and weak, as she used to feel when she was a child and their parents did the same thing to her. She had to relive these scenes and switch positions with that helpless creature she used to be. So she created tasks that were impossible to make because it was never her intention to approve of them. She needed an excuse to punish us.

I´m not sure if it helps or if it fits your situation/thoughts, but one thing I learned is that it´s never about you and your capabilities. That´s not a normal or logical world they live in, but a fantasy of their own -- and a nightmare to us. Wishing you the best.

Dalloway

[Desert Flower]

Dalloway, I just wanted to say that really sucks too. And it's just so terrible how people keep repeating what was done to them in order to feel better themselves. And it's such an accomplishment that you can now see this for what it was so that you are now coming into a position to act differently. 

[lostwanderer]

I relate to your share although I don't have any specific memories coming up right now.  The feeling of expecting to know how to do something without being taught resonates for sure.  I also remember my m teaching me things too young to "create independence".  Like I remember learning how to do laundry and being expected to do my own laundry super young.  Or being taught how to make an egg or being given allowance just so I could pay for my own school clothes.  I wonder how much of it was my m just not wanting to take care of me so she figured if she taught me these things early she wouldn't have to parent anymore???

[Desert Flower]

Yes, that. 'Creating independence' by kicking us out of the nest before we were strong enough to fly. It did not make us stronger, it made us more insecure. Important one to recognize.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thanks for all the replies. I'm sorry you folks also relate! But thank you for sharing your experiences. I hadn't thought of the reverse of it, as in... being taught how to do everything in order to force independence. That is also very unfortunate.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[MountainGirl]

Hello Aphotic - Yes, I had the experience of not being taught but being expected to know stuff. One memory I have is of school work in third grade. We had weekly spelling tests and I didn't know that I was allowed to study for these spelling tests.  I thought I was just expected to know how to spell the words on the test without any teaching or instruction. How my parents and teacher could have missed something as basic as that floors me now. I remember feeling ashamed that I couldn't do the tests. It was only when a relative got me a tutor that it dawned on me I could prepare for these tests. Once I understood the system (and I remember being super mad that no one had told me what to do) that particular school problem vanished. But similar experiences happened throughout my childhood. That sort of thing happened pretty routinely.Basic things that any normal child would know and have been taught, I just had no clue. I think it makes sense that a child in such an environment would A) be quiet and not ask what's up - I didn't want to call attention to myself  lest I become a target, and B) I was always trying to anticipate when my mother would fly into a drunken rage. Trying to mind read and anticipate while being very quiet - I think those were major obstacles to learning, along with my parents being focused on their own codependent relationship and ignoring the children. Or so it seems to me now.