Alley's recovery

[Alley90sGirl]

I'm hoping to get accepted into the private journal soon by starting one on here.

I do worry about being internet stalked by my NM. I made an intro post on here as well as some other posts, but deleted them because I felt uneasy about how much I'd said that was identifiable. I would like to post with total abandon in this new community I've found.

I think for this journal I'll keep it to thoughts and feelings, not stories...

[Alley90sGirl]

I'm caught between facing it all and avoiding it all completely. Recovery feels like a mountain I've said I'll climb so I feel daunted by it.

My child is my main motivation. I used to feel daunted by the responsibility of motherhood but it gives me the strength to want to get better.

I think my actual child is fine, it's my inner child that needs attention and I'm being an avoidant care giver.

My child looks so much like me...I only feel sadness when I look at pictures of myself as a child. I was told I was ugly and I internalised it completely. How then is my child so beautiful??

I wasn't a dainty little girl. My cousins got thrown around in the air while I looked on. I was too heavy for my grandpa to throw me or for my father to love me.

It wasn't my fault. I feel like I'm carrying my child and inner child at the same time and they're both really heavy. I have to put one down. Motherhood is so relentless, I tend to myself when I can but I can't give myself the time I need. I can't afford the therapy I need either.

I'm just trying to find peace from this lifelong pain and stress. Exercise, aromatherapy, community, family, just staying positive, keeping well. It's like a campfire in a forest, if I don't keep an eye on it the whole place will burn down.

Am I managing this for the rest of my life or is it possible to put the fire out?

I need to start with my inner child, I know. I've learnt so much about her since becoming a mother. That poor girl. How can I care for her when I'm the broken woman she turned into? But then, I find the strength somewhere for my own child. But then a lot of that "strength" is actually masking and dissociation. I don't know..it's starting to feel like a mountain again.

I guess that's all for now. Thanks for reading <3

[alliematt]

Welcome, Alley from another Allie.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey Alley, indeed it must take so much work to care for yourself and your child simultaneously. I hope though that you can find some more time for yourself and self-care. We can't effectively care for others if we don't care for ourselves too.

Am I managing this for the rest of my life or is it possible to put the fire out?

I think it is very possible.

Regards,
Aphotic.