Triggered by exercise / sports

[Blueberry]

I've copied this over from the Exercise Support Thread, since I don't want to derail that thread.

This is a good idea Chart!

I have a lot of triggering around taking exercise...

Maybe the existence of this thread will help me do a little more and/or a little more often.

Thanks Blueberry! Yeah the idea is really to explore, encourage and support.

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Maybe it's difficult to talk about but what is triggering about exercise for you? No pressure to discuss but I'd wager you're not alone.

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I get triggered by doing sports, exercise, especially the "must / have to" part of it, but that's not all.

The word "exercise" or phrases like "take exercise" trigger me. "Movement" is much better for me, non-triggering.

There's other stuff too, I just don't have the wherewithal to write it down rn. But I wanted to start this thread before the current Exercise Support Thread is locked and no.2 started.

This thread is open to anybody who gets triggered by sports and exercise.

[Dalloway]

I hope this fits with the idea of this thread. I am extremely triggered by the idea of jogging. I used to go jogging regularly before Covid, but I can´t do it anymore and even the idea of starting again makes me feel uncomfortable. The main reason for me is that during jogging I experience extreme loneliness -- maybe because of the silence of the nature and the fact that there are really only a few people in that area I used to jog in -- which correlates with the loneliness I´m experiencing from within. So these two amplify each other which has become too unbearable for me, so I stopped this kind of exercise. 

[rainydiary]

I resonate with this even though it is hard to put into words.

There are certain types of movement like walking that don't stress/trigger me whereas running makes me feel so much pressure I will often skip it.

I love swimming and also swimming is full of trauma for me because my parents insisted I swim competitively and my dad in particular was abusive about how I was or was not performing.  It was awful. 

[Chart]

Another insidious element of developmental trauma... when something beneficial actually triggers a negative response...

[Blueberry]

Another insidious element of developmental trauma... when something beneficial actually triggers a negative response...

Yup. There are probably lots of other beneficial activities that trigger a negative or shall we say even trauma response in me, like saying 'No', standing up for myself etc.

Anyway, further details on what has caused exercise to be such a trigger for me, see below.

Copied off my mbr Journal from May 2024, actually refering to singing,(Those not on mbr Journals ought to be able to read the quote but not follow the link back to it).:

I was ridiculed a lot by FOO (especially M and B1) for the way I moved, my facial expressions, ... the way I stood, my whole body. So I tried my best as a child not to be seen, not to exist, not to move, keep as still as possible and that's really hard to move out of. Of course I have made progress, probably even great progress, but it's still difficult sometimes. Of course I know that my singing teacher is not FOO. She's not going to ridicule me, she has no reason to do that, she doesn't get anything out of that, that's not what good teachers do. But when I'm even a little triggered, it's hard to completely access that information for all parts of me. I'll just notice that I feel more self-conscious than usual rather than remembering all the ridicule.

On top of all that - like as if the ridicule wasn't enough - there was also really early CSA that involved 'just looks' as well as touching, so that's an additional reason to keep my body stiff, unmoving, invisible which also equals a big internal reason why it's so difficult, so exhausting to go up against that, and why it has taken so long of course. ...

(As a pre-teen child)...got more and more self-conscious... - my very physical existence being a shameful embarrassment for FOO.

Singing is a type of exercise and there's all this self-conscious stuff going on, which I'm pretty sure is going on with sports as well. I'm less conscious of it than I was as a child, teen, young adult, but if I delve deeper and try and notice what I'm feeling in my body (somatic response?) whether during general exercise or singing, I might well notice that my body is one large area of self-consciousness. It's obvious to me that I don't want to feel into any of that.

All that ridicule in my childhood and on up is just insidious. It was labeled as 'humour' by FOO and I didn't even know that all of it was a form of abuse until told so in a trauma therapy programme. I have lots of different trauma responses depending on situation but the basic one is probably freeze. Movement is difficult during freeze. All the more reason to work on getting out of freeze of course, but that doesn't mean I do so...  I know that the really early CSA makes me want to try and shrink into myself, actually so does the idea of being ridiculed about most aspects of my body.

I do know that singing reverberates in your body, gets your cells moving sort of thing, and I suppose that any form of sport does too, but if you're like me and don't really want to feel that, then exercise might feel triggering.

I also know that up until my first complete collapse in my early 30's I approached even cycling, which I did enjoy in my way, as a form of self-reduction - as in: 'Every time I turn the pedals I'm turning a bit of fat into muscle or I'm getting rid of a bit of fat.' I didn't even realise at the time or until much later I think how warped and emotionally unhealthy that was. It's not a way to enjoy the sport or the ride itself of course.

Another problem I've had with sport or any form of exercise is ignorance on the part of those teaching or championing it. Not knowing about armouring, telling me to keep going despite pain, e.g. in yoga with sun salutations and pain in one hand being told it'll strengthen with time but it just got worse and worse over the years. Same with most exercises that involve my arms - I've been hearing for decades that I need to strengthen my arms, but nobody knows how to suggest I do so. I suppose by now my frustration tolerance is very low. So I don't even start. For those championing it, read 'B1', FOO's secret top-dog, even when he was still a child.

Anyway, this all sounds like a big rant, maybe I'll re-read it soon and actually find a solution or two to my own problems. 

I hope this fits with the idea of this thread. I am extremely triggered by the idea of jogging. I used to go jogging regularly before Covid, but I can´t do it anymore and even the idea of starting again makes me feel uncomfortable. The main reason for me is that during jogging I experience extreme loneliness -- maybe because of the silence of the nature and the fact that there are really only a few people in that area I used to jog in -- which correlates with the loneliness I´m experiencing from within. So these two amplify each other which has become too unbearable for me, so I stopped this kind of exercise. 

Yes, absolutely, that fits. This is an open thread for mbrs to explore what's behind their 'allergy' to exercise.

[Chart]

Hey Blueberry, sounds like you have a lot on your plate. But it sounds also that you have a firm understanding of mechanics and the sources. Which means you're aware and can use thought-stopping more effectively (does that work with singing?)

I'm not triggered by exercise but I hate the "pain". I have a very low tolerance to physical discomfort. I believe it's because I have to much constant emotional pain. I'm rather a seeker of pleasure to offset that. I've not done any cycling since July. Too much going on. But all through August I did my Guillarme abdominal training as well as PMR (Progressive Muscle Relaxation). Also Cardiac Coherence several times a day (did it just now). I've been very good about all that only skipping a very few times through the month. I'm convinced ALL these techniques are incredibly helpful for healing. They are not difficult to do and take up about half an hour per day. So I'm happy and proud of that.

[Bach]

I've been hoping for years to teach myself to enjoy physical activity. At times, I've gotten into a rhythm with regular physical exercise and appreciated the benefits, but I've never been able to keep it up for longer than a few months at a time before something derailed me, and I've never enjoyed it. I like swimming pools because I like being in water, but I don't swim properly, and I can somewhat enjoy walking especially if I have company, but mostly physical exercise is a dispiriting chore. I guess I'm starting to realise that there are a lot of things I have to live with and do my best at but must stop expecting to change my feelings about.

[Blueberry]

Today I realised that M used to send me to do sports like going for a walk or a run as a form of punishment. I hear her angry voice in my head telling me to 'just go away' and do one or the other. So reparenting my Inners would include taking some or all for a walk w/o being angry. In fact, trying to be inclusive to all who want to come and at least neutral if not managing to enjoy. Just having that in my mind brings up so many old memories, that on the surface don't seem so bad, but deeper down I don't want to fall into them. I might feel how it felt to be me at oh anywhere from 12yo to early 30's plus/minus. Huge sigh. Feeling emotionally or physically.

Recently I have been aware of keeping going e.g. movement in a pool or natural body of water without feeling joy but deciding that feeling neutral about it and at least NOT feeling discomfort or something 'bad' apart from maybe slight boredom was reason enough to keep going till I maybe felt something like pleasure or joy. Leaving that possibility open.

Feeling emotionally could be anything from feeling left out of my own FOO or in team sports at school or around the neighbourhood. Yeah, no wonder I don't want to go there. In fact just 3 days ago I wrote Singing is a type of exercise and there's all this self-conscious stuff going on, which I'm pretty sure is going on with sports as well. I'm less conscious of it than I was as a child, teen, young adult, but if I delve deeper and try and notice what I'm feeling in my body (somatic response?) whether during general exercise or singing, I might well notice that my body is one large area of self-consciousness. It's obvious to me that I don't want to feel into any of that on this very thread.


So solution could be to create Inner Safe Spaces where Parts can enjoy physical activity of whatever sort they like AND for Adult me of Today to carefully explore and look for memories where I was either really happy and content on my own enjoying movement - that is often swimming in natural bodies of water - or when enjoying movement in groups - that has often been folk-dancing or movement to music in 'safe spaces' like inpatient clinics or weekend retreats.

I'm sorry you understand this too Bach. Enjoyment is often difficult for me. I like being in water too and may swim a few strokes but also just enjoy moving my body however in the water, like dancing underwater or something. Or just treading water when ocean waves or boat waves are coming in.

Whether sports or not, I seem to be at some crucial stage where I'm struggling internally about giving up or trying for growth, personal improvement or whatever you want to call it.

[Blueberry]

Hey Blueberry, sounds like you have a lot on your plate. But it sounds also that you have a firm understanding of mechanics and the sources. Which means you're aware and can use thought-stopping more effectively (does that work with singing?)

UBM
I am? I can? News to me.

Cognitively I understand a lot or I come to understand with time but it seems to me it's very hard for me to move from that to taking actual steps to heal/reverse damage or whatever.

I'm not triggered by exercise but I hate the "pain". I have a very low tolerance to physical discomfort. I believe it's because I have to much constant emotional pain. I'm rather a seeker of pleasure to offset that.

It's weird, I put up with physical pain for years - through my childhood and teens and into my 20's. I often had pain and that's just the way it was. Sport mostly caused pain. Shoes caused pain. Boots e.g. hiking boots caused pain. Shoes and boots are back to causing pain again. But I'm no longer into putting up with pain. I don't seek pleasure, I seek inactivity and sleep. I know that's not healthy, but it's what it is.

But all through August I did my Guillarme abdominal training as well as PMR (Progressive Muscle Relaxation). Also Cardiac Coherence several times a day (did it just now). I've been very good about all that only skipping a very few times through the month. I'm convinced ALL these techniques are incredibly helpful for healing. They are not difficult to do and take up about half an hour per day. So I'm happy and proud of that.

  
That's something to be proud of
There were times in the past when I was very good about that kind of thing, but I've lost that part of me.

[Blueberry]

At least for me and maybe for others on this thread, there is some useful information in here https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13086.msg97519#msg97519
It really is more about movement than sports, but I think in my case often the movement has priority over sport. It's hard to write that because I don't think that's how society views it. Shame comes to my mind. But I'm leaving it up.
_______________________

I resonate with this even though it is hard to put into words.

There are certain types of movement like walking that don't stress/trigger me whereas running makes me feel so much pressure I will often skip it.

I love swimming and also swimming is full of trauma for me because my parents insisted I swim competitively and my dad in particular was abusive about how I was or was not performing.  It was awful. 

Thanks for adding your experience to this thread, rainy. I'm sorry your parents made you swim competitively and then your F was abusive about it. Way to encourage your children in sports, not. But it's nice you still love swimming in spite of all that