Morning Reflection

[Lolly728]

I've been having a lot of reflections and 'ah-has' lately. I write them in my journal usually but I feel like posting this one here.

I realized this morning that I've never given myself permission to acknowledge fully what happened to me in my childhood. I have such a drive in me to live my life, to not let anything hold me back. It's not a drive that's masking anything, it's just the way I'm built. My mother had the same drive.

But in some ways, it has created denial because acknowledging what happened to me does require stopping long enough to feel some really painful things and face some really awful and hurtful truths.

I will admit I am afraid of that pain. And I've have looked the truth of what happened to me square in the face. But I think part of me has never allowed myself to really pause and stay with that truth.

I feel like at age 60 I am finally allowing myself to do this, knowing that it won't stop me, it won't make me fall apart. It might hurt a lot at times but it won't do me in.

If I'm being truthful, I think I'm afraid of it doing me in. Creating a total collapse where I fall apart, can't function.

I know this is just a fear though. I am too strong and my will is too strong.

Wondering if anyone else can relate.

If you're reading this, I hope you are well this morning or that you have something to comfort you if you don't.

Love to all my fellow survivors.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I think I can relate, lolly. Often times when these memories and flashbacks arise, my first instinct is to run away, make the thoughts go away, and leave them buried. I either deny it all voluntarily, or my brain subconsciously denies it for me. As you say, I don't want things holding me back. But then at the same time, can we really just keep shoving these things under the rug forever? Eventually the mess under the rug will get bigger and nastier, and it becomes an eyesore in our peripheral vision, always taunting us, threatening us, a looming presence and reminder that we can't shake off.

I think, allowing us to feel and process some of our trauma is an important step in healing - though I don't think I'm up for that stage yet myself, hah... but eventually... I think it'll be helpful and for the better. You are definitely strong though. Just try not to overdo it when you process these things, it all takes time and care.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Kizzie]

Hi Lolly - I am at a similar place where re-visiting and sitting with my trauma does not see to be what I need or want at this stage of my life. The memories are there but I don't go to them any more unless something brings it up and then I do deal with it.  I recently said to a Zoom group I'm part of here that I am 'trauma'ed' out and maybe that's a normal stage to arrive at, but because there isn't much about those of us who have walked a long walk on our recovery journey I'm not certain if this is an arrival of sorts.

Most days though I do feel like I'm OK and can start looking at easing off on therapy and working on fun, interesting, joyous things. Trauma has overtaken my life so much I just want the last of my life (I'm 68), not to be swept away working away at something I now doubt ever goes away, we just manage it better.

Just my thoughts but hope they help.

[Denverite]

@ Lolly728 I think that's one of the more insidious parts of C-PTSD. The normalization of the outrageous abuses. We gaslight ourselves into thinking "it wasn't so bad," or "it was really our fault for being so demanding," etc. I hope you manage to find some way to look at that truth squarely without flinching. And I hope it brings some sort of resolution rather than more pain.


@Kizzie It's funny to read this as I said almost exactly the same thing to my therapist last week. I'm 41, not 68, but I've been on the "healing journey" for a long time. I said to him, "right now, I'm sick of hoping and I'm sick of healing." I'm starting to suspect the laser focus on some future state of "better" might even cause a sort of dissonance since we can hardly focus on what IS good in our lives right now. I dunno...I feel better about it all now but everything just felt grey last week after feeling like I was making major progress, only to get super triggered like I hadn't in a while.

[Desert Flower]

Lolly, I can totally relate too. I just wrote some posts about feeling what I didn't before, and now you mention it, I'm really afraid to as well, and about accepting 'the way things are'. Its progress but it's not making me feel better just yet.