Morning Reflection

[Lolly728]

I've been having a lot of reflections and 'ah-has' lately. I write them in my journal usually but I feel like posting this one here.

I realized this morning that I've never given myself permission to acknowledge fully what happened to me in my childhood. I have such a drive in me to live my life, to not let anything hold me back. It's not a drive that's masking anything, it's just the way I'm built. My mother had the same drive.

But in some ways, it has created denial because acknowledging what happened to me does require stopping long enough to feel some really painful things and face some really awful and hurtful truths.

I will admit I am afraid of that pain. And I've have looked the truth of what happened to me square in the face. But I think part of me has never allowed myself to really pause and stay with that truth.

I feel like at age 60 I am finally allowing myself to do this, knowing that it won't stop me, it won't make me fall apart. It might hurt a lot at times but it won't do me in.

If I'm being truthful, I think I'm afraid of it doing me in. Creating a total collapse where I fall apart, can't function.

I know this is just a fear though. I am too strong and my will is too strong.

Wondering if anyone else can relate.

If you're reading this, I hope you are well this morning or that you have something to comfort you if you don't.

Love to all my fellow survivors.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I think I can relate, lolly. Often times when these memories and flashbacks arise, my first instinct is to run away, make the thoughts go away, and leave them buried. I either deny it all voluntarily, or my brain subconsciously denies it for me. As you say, I don't want things holding me back. But then at the same time, can we really just keep shoving these things under the rug forever? Eventually the mess under the rug will get bigger and nastier, and it becomes an eyesore in our peripheral vision, always taunting us, threatening us, a looming presence and reminder that we can't shake off.

I think, allowing us to feel and process some of our trauma is an important step in healing - though I don't think I'm up for that stage yet myself, hah... but eventually... I think it'll be helpful and for the better. You are definitely strong though. Just try not to overdo it when you process these things, it all takes time and care.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Kizzie]

Hi Lolly - I am at a similar place where re-visiting and sitting with my trauma does not seem to be what I need or want at this stage of my life. The memories are there but I don't go to them anymore unless something brings it up and then I do deal with it.  I recently said to a Zoom group I'm part of here that I am 'trauma'ed' out and maybe that's a normal stage to arrive at, but because there isn't much about those of us who have walked a long walk on our recovery journey. I'm not certain if this is an arrival of sorts.

Most days though I do feel like I'm OK and can start looking at easing off on therapy and working on fun, interesting, joyous things. Trauma has overtaken my life so much I just want the last of my life (I'm 68), not to be swept away working away at something I now doubt ever goes away, we just manage it better.

Just my thoughts but hope they help.

[Denverite]

@ Lolly728 I think that's one of the more insidious parts of C-PTSD. The normalization of the outrageous abuses. We gaslight ourselves into thinking "it wasn't so bad," or "it was really our fault for being so demanding," etc. I hope you manage to find some way to look at that truth squarely without flinching. And I hope it brings some sort of resolution rather than more pain.


@Kizzie It's funny to read this as I said almost exactly the same thing to my therapist last week. I'm 41, not 68, but I've been on the "healing journey" for a long time. I said to him, "right now, I'm sick of hoping and I'm sick of healing." I'm starting to suspect the laser focus on some future state of "better" might even cause a sort of dissonance since we can hardly focus on what IS good in our lives right now. I dunno...I feel better about it all now but everything just felt grey last week after feeling like I was making major progress, only to get super triggered like I hadn't in a while.

[Desert Flower]

Lolly, I can totally relate too. I just wrote some posts about feeling what I didn't before, and now you mention it, I'm really afraid to as well, and about accepting 'the way things are'. Its progress but it's not making me feel better just yet.

[Papa Coco]

Lolly,

I have so much respect for what you are going through right now. I quote a line from a movie called Gods and Monsters, when the lead character, an aging Hollywood has-been, says, "I've spent my life outrunning the past, and now it floods all over me."  That's how I feel right now.

You said, "I know this is just fear though." You're right, it's fear, but I would remove the word "just". Fear is a big thing. It's huge. It's kicking my behind right now in life.

I've been working on my childhood memories since I was 20. I'm 64 now. I often start thinking that I've worked through all I can work through. I have a few good weeks, and I feel like I'm cured. Then Wham! I get hit with another trigger. The fear becomes paralyzing. I realize I was wrong. I haven't worked through it all.

I find that when it hits from out of nowhere, that the fear gushes out of me and tries to stop me from exploring what I know is hiding in there. Right now, I feel like I'm being forced to revisit my old inner cemetery, where I have found some more graves of things I buried long ago, and now have no choice but to dig up and let go of. But I'm terrified of them.

I just wanted to share with you that I feel the fear you say you feel. You're not alone in this. My conscious adult brain knows the memories can't hurt me, but hokey-smokes, that isn't helping calm the fear right now.

I hope you are able to work through your memories at a safe pace, letting the fear go slowly, little by little. That's what I'm trying to do. I just now know for a fact that I can't leave them buried. These memories and old fears are still affecting my ability to be happy on a daily basis. I am terrified, but I'm trying to inch into it in bites that I can manage. I hope we are both able to do this for ourselves. It takes courage. And we have that courage. Courage isn't the absence of fear, it's the willingness to proceed while feeling the fear.

I wish you the best as you go through this.

[Azul]

I know I'm replying to this long after the initial posts, but it is all resonating with me so much that I wanted to comment too.

I am 43 and just now beginning to fully confront what happened/has been happening to me. Up until now, I did various versions of "it wasn't that bad," "maybe I am the problem," "does it count as abuse," "others have it so much worse," "I'm exaggerating." Many of those ideas which I now recognize came from the very family members who used and manipulated me. I still struggle to even call it abuse.

What I'm actually trying to express though, is that I can tell I've been running from the truth because of the pain it would cause to fully see, recognize and accept it. And, as I've recently begun to properly face and address it all, the emotional overwhelm is...well, overwhelming.

I'm not even able yet to recognize all that I'm feeling in any specific way. Is it sadness, disbelief, anger, grief, feelings of betrayal, neglect, self-loathing? I don't know. I can't even tell. I just know I feel "down," "low," numb, emotionally drained, overwhelmed...almost like being in some kind of shock.

It doesn't feel good right now. Instead, I feel setback or something. Like I'm going or moving backwards. But I know the only way through is through. In the past, I tried ignoring it, looking through rose-colored glasses, going around it, "just getting over it," etc. None of that worked and my mental health just got worse and worse.

Long story short, I am now taking cues from people like you who have been doing the hard, but necessary, work already of actually working through things. Thank you for your courage and strength, and for setting a healthy example for people like me.

- Azul

[MountainGirl]

Hi Azul - In my experience, it is SOP for us to not be able to face or define the problem of abuse. But I, at least, with the help of a very good and dedicated therapist, have come to realize how badly damaged I was by my childhood and I am starting to piece together the how and why of it. Having an explanation, for me, of why I have always struggled is absolutely worth gold. It is such a relief to understand the past and see how it affects the present. I hope you can find
an approach to your experience that makes sense of it and allows you to move forward. It is possible to heal. Relief from suffering is possible. And I wish that for you, for me,  and for all of us here at OOTS. 

[Azul]

Thank you MountainGirl

I am starting to see a therapist next week. I'm hoping she will be a good fit so I can start having help to process and work through it all.

I too wish for healing and relief for me, you and everyone who has experienced similar things.