hello :) ps - there could be trigger-inducing info shared

[lostwanderer]

Can I just say that I am glad to have found this forum but I am also nervous to share...

I'm realizing more and more recently how important validation and just being heard/seen is, for me at least.  And I'm also realizing how most people I have experienced don't actually seem to know how to do this well - even those who have "done work".  That's been super confusing for me.  I can see how complex PTSD has played a role in how I operate but it has been pretty lonely at times.  All that to say, hi, I found this website through Pete Walker's Complex PTSD book.  I have literally been walking around with that book attached to me reading it in spare moments and flipping through to chapter 8 what seems like all day long because it seems that I live in an emotional flashback.

Some things that I'm starting to learn contributed to this complex PTSD in me: **trigger warnings?**
I was born breech so my mom had a c-section (acute & precog trauma)
I was sick and left at the hospital for a few days when I was first born (precog/developmental trauma)
I "saved my younger brother's life" on more than one occasion between the ages of 2-4yrs old - he fell in our pool and I was the one who was around and paying attention when it happened
My parents worked from home and were so focused on their work that I almost killed myself climbing up on the counter and cutting the toaster cord with a knife but I got scolded.  I remember having a cabinet in the kitchen that I would hide in all the time (I wonder why).  My mom had explosive anger in fights with my dad and even threw a chair across the room, I was less than 4yrs old.

As I got older and started to have a voice it was constantly shut down by my mother telling me I shouldn't feel a certain way or I didn't need that... She didn't believe me when I started my period (she laughed at me) & she told me I was too shy when I told her I wanted to be an actress when I grew up.  I could share plenty more instances but I would say that those instances have been enough to confuse the crap out of me as an adult.

My inner critic voice is LOUD and it's mostly my mom's voice.  You might notice I haven't mentioned my dad - that's because he was physically present but not actually present pretty much ever.  I was told my whole life (by my mom) that he didn't want me and that he tried to convince my mom to have an abortion to the point of trying to suffocate her so there's that too.

But yeah, I've been on this emotional health journey for a LONG time: celebrate recovery groups, therapy & counseling numerous times, self-help books and workbooks, groups, you name it.  In the last couple of years I was introduced to the idea and importance of self-compassion, parts works, and the nervous system & trauma - it's been a wild ride being soooo keenly aware of my triggers and learning this new language of compassion and most days I feel like I'm failing miserably.  But anyways, I know I pretty much just wrote a novel but that's a little bit about me.  Thanks for reading

[Papa Coco]

Lostwanderer,

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear of the loneliness of your past, but glad that you found this forum. You came looking for connection, validation, a natural need to be seen and heard. That's why I joined 3 years ago too, and I'm happy to report that this forum has not disappointed.

Being seen and heard is a universal right for all humans. Some of the folks here on the forum have helped me to realize that the reason we feel lonely in a crowded world is less about being alone and more about feeling unwanted. An outsider in a crowd of people who don't understand us.

This forum is filled with people who can offer that one thing, which books and treatments can't offer: Connection to live people who are so well tuned to each other through our common bond of feeling unwanted and confused that we hold each other up. We validate each other.

I look forward to more interactions with you in the near future.

Again, welcome to the forum. A place where we may have all come from different backstories, but somehow all ended up here, and we all "get it."

[lostwanderer]

I have read and reread your comment ... it brought me to tears.

Thank you with the most deep sincerity.

In reading your comment and in learning more about complex PTSD, I am starting to feel seen, like I'm not alone or the only human in the world who experiences what I feel.

I do have such a deep desire for real connection and I have been searching for it my entire life.  It seems that pretty much every other experience I've had has led to disappointment and a greater disbelief that connection and belonging was a real possibility though.

So all that to say, this has been such a breath of fresh air.  I'm grateful mixed with some nervousness and hesitation due to all the other previous experiences (I know that's normal).  Thank you again

[Papa Coco]

Lostwanderer,

 


I'm touched by your reaction of coming to tears. I'm even more happy now that you found this forum. There are so many wonderful people here, almost all of whom just wanted someone to accept us for who we are.

I hear your nervousness and hesitation. That's perfectly understandable. I will go ahead and assume that during your lifetime you've had some bad experiences with sharing, and then being humiliated for having shared. (I speak from my own personal experience).

It's perfectly okay to be nervous. In the first two years on the forum, I was terrified. I didn't need to be, but I am who I am. I would spend an hour writing a post about something I really felt like I wanted to share. Then I'd delete it because I was too afraid to post it. I didn't need to. The people here are kind and accepting. But fear is fear. For 60 years I was shown that if I shared emotion, I'd be humiliated for it. So it took me a couple of years to feel my trust for all the souls here. After decades of feeling alone and unaccepted for being who we are, it's okay to take a little time to build trust in the new friends. Slow and steady wins the race.

It's perfectly okay to say too much, or to say too little. The most important aspect of this forum for me is that it feels safe. Being allowed to hold back is a safety net for me. I hope it is one for you too.

Papa Coco

[AphoticAtramentous]

Welcome to the forum lostwanderer, I hope this forum will help you feel a little less... loss and wandering. But of course, a forum is just one part of a healing journey, and it's great to hear you trying so many different things.
Your nervousness and hesitation is of course understandable, but nobody here will judge you. We're all on this rocky path together. But the forum is a very nice safe environment full of lovely people with incredibly helpful insights and knowledge.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS lostwanderer, glad you have found us! I hope the community proves to be helpful and supportive on your continuing recovery journey. 

[Hope67]

Welcome lostwanderer 
Hope 

[lostwanderer]

Thank you to everyone and your kind welcome.  I've been hanging out around the forum for a few weeks now and I am super grateful to have found this part of the internet.