lostwanderer's recovery journal

lostwanderer · September 03, 2024, 03:59:11 PM

09.03.2024

I have noticed the last couple days that I have had this overwhelming desire to cry & I'm not even sure why - it's not necessarily connected to any conscious thoughts that I'm aware of. I *know* it's ok to cry and I have given myself little moments throughout the day to let the tears come but I don't want to be consumed with sadness...

I think I'm afraid of my tears/sadness - like it says something about me which in turn others also think about me and then eventually I lose connection. Even that doesn't fully resonate though

& then the swirl begins

I'm still learning to hold onto the tension of being with my emotion verses digging deep to understand the origin of the emotion. I guess I still desperately want to rid myself of any "negative" or "bad" emotions (for unknown reasons).

This healing stuff is hard

rainydiary · September 04, 2024, 12:38:52 AM

It is hard to heal and navigate all these things. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. I've also wanted to cry a lot lately and sometimes have but often it feels stuck. I like getting to the root of things and sometimes it feels like I can't.

sanmagic7 · September 04, 2024, 02:20:17 PM

i've struggled w/ finding/expressing my emotions as well, lostwanderer. it can be difficult but i also know it's doable. maybe not in a straight line, but just a little bit at a time, gain it, lose a little, gain some more. hang in there, ok? sending love and hugs, if that's ok w/ you.

lostwanderer · September 04, 2024, 02:38:29 PM

thank you for your support, encouragement & kind words @rainydiary and @sanmagic7 - it means more to me than I have words to express right now

lostwanderer · September 04, 2024, 03:29:28 PM

09.04.2024

I woke up angry this morning. And probably confused too. I do wonder if I just woke up in an EF and I think I've actually been in one for a few days.

I have tried all the things I know to get out of it/bring some relief. My intention in that is good but I can see how that could be really dismissive of my inner kiddo too. It just feels so incredibly uncomfortable for me and for everyone else around me (not helpful for my codependent tendencies).

I can tell that my inner critic is kicking in HARD right now too.

******** (edited to add more)

I am feeling like such a failure and a screwup. My sib, who I'm currently living with, came down from work (they work from home) to have dinner. While doing so they asked if I wanted to join and I said I'm not sure my heart can take it. There's context that would make this make more sense but I'm not sure I have the words or the energy to explain it all right now.

They made dinner and ate in silence on their phone while I sat reading the forum - talk about awkward. All the while all this stuff is starting to swirl up inside of me and now I'm having a full-blown meltdown... inner critic thoughts, outer critic thoughts: "I shouldn't have ever come here" "I just make things worse" "It's inevitable that they'll kick me out" "They'll see that everyone else was right to kick me out/push me away" "I'm the problem"

I'm not sure I know how to do this whole conflict thing without it throwing me into a massive EF (which I seem to be living in at the moment). I feel like I should just live in a hole away from everyone for my good and for the good of humanity.

But at the same time I so desperately want connection and to be wanted/invited. It feels like I'm pushing away the very thing I want with so many rules and I'm just questioning everything.

lostwanderer · September 06, 2024, 01:21:11 AM

09.05.2024

Today has been a more peaceful day but I am feeling grief.

This whole situation with my sib has been really difficult for me to maneuver. A few times during some of our conversations they have said to me that they can't meet my needs. Which has been confusing because I don't think what I'm needing is that difficult. I'm just not sure my sib realized what they were saying yes to when they said I could stay. It's obvious to me from the outside that my sib just doesn't have the capacity in general for much of anything and I'm not sure they have come to full awareness of this yet.

All that to say, I woke up this morning feeling like I have to let it go. I'm still not sure what my sib was imagining life would be like when they invited me in but if I'm understanding correctly it's that we will both just do our own thing and if we end up connecting then we connect - no intention behind it just happenstance.

That hurts my little kiddo heart... to feel like my sib's want for connection and relationship with me is left up to chance. Especially because I know that I do have deep wounds in this area too. It feels like a lot to carry. But I do feel peace. I can feel my inner critic creeping in at times though when I choose to make decisions that are best for me knowing that it's disconnected from my sib (and knowing that they'll potentially have feelings about it).

This all feels kinda swirly like it doesn't make sense but I just needed to vent it out.
I feel peace but I'm really sad about it too. And I'm disappointed in my sib. My heart hurts.

Desert Flower · September 06, 2024, 11:18:56 AM

I really feel for you lostwanderer. There's many things in your posts that I would like to respond to, that resonate with me, but my energy is limited at the moment. So just a few things.
I recognize that after the relief (the post about 'it's not me'), there comes grief. I feel that too.
I also sometimes still expect and want things from people that they're not gonna give us. I think they really cannot get it. It feels very lonely.
But what you need and needed back then is perfectly natural and it's an accomplishment that you can feel this. It's a step in recovering. And now, what we need to learn I think is to give this inner child what it needed all along so it can feel safe and we can feel better.
Take care, you're doing great.

lostwanderer · September 08, 2024, 09:57:20 PM

Thank you, DF for your kind words. I think I know all those things cognitively but I do struggle to connect and love my inner kiddo - she needs A LOT at times & I don't feel adequate to take care of her. Or I'm afraid I'm gonna mess her up as much as my parents did, you know?

*****
09.08.2024

It's been a couple days and I have been off the map, probably disassociating. Today has been harder and more emotional than yesterday. I'm embarrassed to admit this but I have been rotating between watching a funny show, meditating, crying, journaling/venting/grieving (I think) back to watching a funny show and doing that on repeat until the day is over. Today I haven't even gotten out of my pajamas or eaten much.

I know all the things in my brain: I'm disassociating, it's an EF, my little kiddo needs something, it's a coping mechanism/survival adaptation, my nervous system is probably in dorsal, etc etc and still.....
It's in these moments that I really hate myself (not really but the behaviors) and the only thing I know how to do is just sit in it. It's incredibly uncomfortable. And there's not a whole lot of relief and that's frustrating because I sure would like to be "normal".

Desert Flower · September 09, 2024, 06:02:37 AM

Yes, these days are hard. Many times, I don't know how to deal with it either. Feeling my body is usually helpful for me. But just so you know you're not alone. Wishing you well. And a hug if that's okay.

Chart · September 09, 2024, 08:21:17 AM

I second DesertFlower, you're not alone.

lostwanderer · September 09, 2024, 07:56:45 PM

Thank you DF & Chart. Your kindness, support and reminder that I'm not alone means a lot

lostwanderer · September 10, 2024, 02:28:10 AM

09.09.2024

I was on a recovery meeting recently and I really liked the topic that was presented. Here are the questions:
Have you always felt like the black sheep* of your family?
Do you think that is a negative thing?
Have you ever thought that being the black sheep might be a good thing? If so, why?
Do you think that black sheep are cycle breakers and change makers? If so, why?

I'm not sure I would have ever labeled myself the black sheep of my family but learning the little bit I did during that meeting and also in the article below, I can easily associate myself as such. I have memories of being pretty young and asking my mom why she did a certain thing (come and fix all the dishes in the dishwasher after I loaded it even though it was my "job", turned off lights in a room without checking to see if anyone was in it, I can't think of any other examples at the moment but you get it). I remember having multiple conversations with her many years later after I had moved out of the house and specifically addressing the dysfunctional behaviors I saw play out in our FOO. I even recall being at a family function and thinking "I don't belong here" - I was 10.

This has been carried out in so many other situations with different people throughout my life. I have never been mean but I'm an observer and I feel like I have had a second sense about things that in my gut are "wrong" (it's like a dysfunction radar) and when I finally speak up about them, I'm the one that gets in trouble (lose my job, get kicked out, was put on a probationary period in my singing group, etc). It definitely sucks. I am finding myself in a very familiar situation currently too but I digress. I think I know the answer which would be speak up sooner and trust my intuition right away but I'm not there yet.

I know I have never EVER considered this a superpower or a positive thing mainly due to the fact that it has caused so much pain, grief and devastation in my life. I am enjoying the idea of changing the narrative to see being a black sheep as a positive thing. I would just love to see that played out in my family and other dynamics that I have been a part of. Like, I haven't seen a time yet where I have "held the mirror" up to another person for them to see dysfunctional behavior and them be excited about it, you know?

I'm sure other thoughts will come the more I think of this but I think that's all for now.

*black sheep explanation: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202304/are-you-the-family-black-sheep-heres-how-to-deal

Chart · September 10, 2024, 05:23:50 AM

I relate Lostwanderer, a lot. I'm at the poit of letting go of all my family. I just don't have anymore energy to get people to "see". Already I've wasted literally years trying to get validation. It just doesn't work. It's time for a new tactic. I'm in it, but it's hard, counter-intuitive. Like pulling teeth or bending iron bars. Plus all the elements of life that are hard... ungh. Slowly slowly, one neuron at a time.
Just wanted to say I relate...

lostwanderer · September 13, 2024, 01:43:58 AM

Thank you Chart, I appreciate your kind words ... it's nice to know I'm not alone.

****
09.12.2024

Not sure why journaling is so hard at times. I have sooooooo many thoughts but to get them all out kinda feels daunting. I was on a recovery call earlier and my share was emotional for me so I know that I'm still kinda sitting in that. I am feeling so tired. I'm just staring at the screen with thoughts in my brain but also nothing at the same time so I guess I'm gonna stop. I tried...

Something just hit me from the conference I've been listening to this week. The speaker mentioned something about a really big blocker to actual healing is putting appropriate blame on our caretakers for the pain (intentional or not) inflicted on us. She mentioned how it's really easy for survivors to brush over their traumas because if the truth is shared then that ultimately means we were unloved.

I related to that a lot because so often I feel like I hit some invisible wall when journaling or trying to share about my past pain. And I wonder if the idea that my parents didn't actually love me is still too big for me to digest.

Chart · September 13, 2024, 07:17:29 PM

Quote from: lostwanderer on September 13, 2024, 01:43:58 AMAnd I wonder if the idea that my parents didn't actually love me is still too big for me to digest.

Yeah... Why is that so hard for me to fathom? It's so obvious, yet I can't get my head around it... Thanks Lostwanderer, you've brought up something for me that was hiding in plain sight.