Another clan member....

[Pangur]

Hello All

Gosh, it's hard to know what to write that isn't going to turn into a book, but here goes. 

After a lifetime of therapy and a myriad other ways to 'fix' myself, a few years back I was introduced to the notion of CPTSD and trauma work.  At first, I was hesitant/resistant (the usual 'it wasn't that bad, other people have it far worse and seem to function much better than I do'), but slowly came to acknowledge the unbearable legacy of the emotional, psychological and sometimes physical abuse at the hands of a deeply narcissistic mother and a father uninvolved with me unless called upon to reinforce my mother's abuse.

I was an only child, so all this happened without witnesses - constant gaslighting, belittling, criticism, blame, shame - you know the score (as does my body).  I have just ended years of therapy with a trauma-informed therapist because I felt I'd reached a brick wall and was just so tired of going through the reliving of the trauma.  Yesterday, I learned that my divorce was finalised - the end of yet another relationship where the abusive patterns from my childhood were repeated, this time far more subtle and insidious but even more devastating for that. Grateful to be out of it, but struggling with all the darkness that arises when I am not in relationship (and maybe why I get into bad relationships in the first place).

I don't want this to become a litany of my woes, so to summarise, I just don't know where to go from here.  I have Pete Walker's book and this paragraph leapt out: An especially tragic developmental arrest that afflicts many survivors is the loss of their will power and self-motivation.  Many dysfunctional parents react destructively to their child's budding sense of initiative.  If this occurs throughout his childhood, the survivor may feel lost and purposeless in his life.  He may drift through his whole life rudderless and without a motor.  Bingo.  My dilemma in a nutshell.  At the age of 68, I have much cognitive understanding of why I am like I am, but lack the will or motivation to move out of the continuing downward spiral into self-neglect, shame and depression.  I'm sure that many here will relate.  It's a Catch 22.
And the rapid approach of my sunset years is adding to the sense of failure/futility/time running out.

To end, I am very grateful to have found this forum and appreciate the deep sharings that take place here.  I wish you all love, healing and community on your journeys of recovery.  My inner critic is screaming at me to delete this very long first post (apologies, and I hope it hasn't been triggering to anyone).  But here it is, in all its glorious imperfection. 

Heartfelt warmth to you all x

[Hope67]

Welcome to you Pangur,
I'm glad you found your way here.  I hope you'll find this forum to be a helpful place.

I'm glad that you wrote your post, and that you didn't delete it.  Wishing you also, heartfelt warmth.   
Hope 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS Pangur  Glad you didn't delete your post and maybe that you didn't is part of you from deep down wanting to find some better, lighter ways of living for yourself.

I am 68 and have many of the feelings you talk about, one of which is not wanting to go to any more therapy unless it's about living life more freely and joyfully. That's not something I'm particularly good at but I'm trying to find things that I am passionate about. Managing this forum, being a part of the book some of us here are writing, and a number of projects/research studies I'm involved in have helped me a lot. It's about putting my knowledge and lived experience of complex relational trauma to good use and leaving a legacy of sorts without focusing on my own trauma specifically. 

Is there anything you could put yourself into and do with other people and that would awaken some passion inside you? (e.g., work at a wildlife sanctuary or rehab; join an art/music/writing class/cooperative; cooking; travel)?

We've lived with trauma, some of us for a very long time and it can feel like we don't know that lighter/ happier/ creative side of us because it was so submerged in all our trauma. I personally think it can be (re)awakened, but like anything with CPTSD it can take a bit of work finding out what might spark our interest and leave the darkness behind.

It could be as simple as starting with a list of things you know you like - food, movies, music, reading, whatever. In that list you may find things you would enjoy exploring more and that's where you start and go from there.

I hope this helps 

[Lakelynn]

Hello and welcome to the forum Pangur,

I've been around here in some form or another since the start, that's 10 years ago now. Kizzie's goals are mine as well. I am 72.

It's about putting my knowledge and lived experience of complex relational trauma to good use and leaving a legacy of sorts without focusing on my own trauma specifically. 

Is there anything you could put yourself into and do with other people and that would awaken some passion inside you? (e.g., work at a wildlife sanctuary or rehab; join an art/music/writing class/cooperative; cooking; travel)?

Life seems like an uphill climb at certain points, especially those marked by significant dates-the divorce is a good example. It doesn't have to be your future, only a footnote of your past.

With a willing, open attitude, you're going to learn new things, here and in real life which are going to change everything for the better. Thank you for writing a great post and leaving it up.

 

[Dalloway]

Hello Pangur, welcome to the forum. I´m glad you decided to join us and post your introduction. I can relate to the Catch 22 part very much, it´s one of my biggest issues, to find the strength and motivation to move forward. It´s very hard, even though you have all the knowledge and experiences.
However, this forum helps me with connecting to people with similar experiences and I hope that you´ll also find this community supportive. 

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome. I, too, am glad you didn't delete your post.

Wishing you well as you find how you want to be and where you want to go. I hope you enjoy your time here - I've found everyone to be a helpful and supportive friend.

[Pangur]

Thank you so much to all who responded.  At a particularly low point atm, but I know the wheel will turn again. Feel very fortunate that along with the rise in awareness of the damaging effects of relational trauma, there are so many more helpful resources available.  Sending a warm hug to anyone who needs it. x

[Chart]

Welcome Pangur, me too I'm glad your inner critic didn't win!

For me, when I started opening myself up to the Universe, the Universe started leaving packages on my doorstep. I move as best I can, and when I can't, I forgive myself. I'm scared all the time, and the rare moments I'm not I stare around completely wonderstruck. I don't speculatevhow long it's gonna last (cause I know it ain't gonna last) I just suck in every glorious second and smile. I've quit alcohol and even caffeine and become addicted to "connection". I love the people on this forum and want to share as much as and more than I receive. There's no accounting anymore. Giving gives as much as receiving. We're all different, but we all understand no matter how difficult. The support here is like coming upon an oasis in a parched desert. And sometimes it even rains! I soak it in like warm summer sun. I have tasted healing and will go as far as I can while still on this earth. I've figured out the secret: love and support and good people.
Welcome! -chart

[dollyvee]

Hi Pangur,

Welcome to the forum and I hope you find what you need here 

I've found this to be a place of learning and perhaps you will find some modalities that work for you.

Sending you support,
dolly

[BrightArrow]

Wow, Pangur—welcome and I'm so glad you are here. Just think, by posting and not deleting it, you helped me feel less alone and you were the catalyst for all the little grains of wisdom everyone else posted—and these are helping me as well! Hearing Kizzie and Chart talk about what gives them meaning and contributes to their healing is like a balm for me. And you made that happen—-your presence here is already creating positive ripples in someone else's life. So thank you. 

[Rizzo]

Hello there,
I really connected with your post.
Thank you for sharing.
I can say from my time here.. this is a supportive and inclusive community.
I highly recommend using it, because there's probably no one who will understand you better than us..
That's my opinion.

Anyway, welcome! 

[Pangur]

Wow, Pangur—welcome and I'm so glad you are here. Just think, by posting and not deleting it, you helped me feel less alone and you were the catalyst for all the little grains of wisdom everyone else posted—and these are helping me as well! Hearing Kizzie and Chart talk about what gives them meaning and contributes to their healing is like a balm for me. And you made that happen—-your presence here is already creating positive ripples in someone else's life. So thank you. 

What a lovely response, BrightArrow.  Feel so warmed by that - the thought that my post may have helped someone else is balm to the soul.  Bless you, and thank you. 

[Pangur]

Thank you again to all of you for your warm and supportive replies.  I don't have the bandwidth to reply individually to everyone but please know that your posts are deeply appreciated. 

[Chart]

[Healing Finally]

Welcome Pangur! 

So glad you found this website and forum.  It's been a life changing thing for me to find people who get what I've been going through all my life, even if I still don't get it myself.

Like you I went through the narcissist abuse and dysfunctional family dynamic as I was raised in a "loving family" but had no idea I had experienced trauma until I was 53.  Now at 66, I am grateful to be on my recovery journey from trauma (as well as being 13 years sober, but that's another long and painful story.)

So glad you have the book by Pete Walker, and that quote you mention is perfect and a bit eye opening!  I've been thinking it's my ADHD that inhibits executive function to move forward but I also know that in my family I had "my place" and the Pete Walker quote is an eye opener, so thank you!

Again, welcome