Another Introduction

[AnotherPerson]

Hello everyone.  I'm not sure if there will be any triggers here.  I try to keep it superficial, but I get pretty triggered myself when I think about how I got to where I am now. I'm here because I'm finding myself in a mental health crisis yet again. I've been in and out of therapy for about 40 years now (started in my teens and I'm in my mid 50s now). I find that although therapy has been helpful at at times, repeatedly reviewing all the cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) tips and tricks is less and less useful with repetition. 

I grew up the only child of a mentally ill mother who had us moving 2 to 3 times a year for most of my years between birth and age 18.  The first year I spent the whole school year in one school was 4th grade, and the next was 7th grade. I was also kind of a weird kid, so the bullying was off the charts and any time I started to make a friend, we were moving again. Add to that, my mother made very poor choices in friends and boyfriends, a couple of whom were sexually abusive with me, and I was attacked by a stranger when I was 11. I went to therapy and attended support groups for all this in my teens, returning to therapy periodically in my 20s, but the damage was done.

At 18, I married a wonderful guy (also 18) who had been through as much or more than me. We had a lot of good years together (and some very bad, actually) but it ended very tragically when we were 29. That experience has shaped everything since. More than 25 years (and three major relationships) later I'm still not able to really move past it.

I often feel completely broken, hopeless and useless, and I'm also so tired of always having to be ready for the next attack. CBT is not working for me right now, and neither are antidepressants.  I'm just starting trying EMDR, and I'm also going to explore options for treatment resistant depression, perhaps TMS, ketamine, or even ECT. I'd be very interested to hear anything from people who have tried any of these if that's appropriate here.

Anyway, that's me a nutshell.  I'm hoping to work my way out of my current state and I'm hoping to find a community of people in similar circumstances.  Thank you for your time.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS AnotherPerson 

I'm so sorry for all that you have been through and that you are struggling still, it seems to be the same story for the a lot of us. I think a good part of that is due to the lack of effective treatments and trained therapists. 

My own opinion of and experience with CBT is low. It helped me learn not to be afraid of flying and to lessen my social anxiety but in terms of my CPTSD it did little to nothing except make me feel guilty I wasn't doing it right. Just my experience with it and opinion mind you, but I don't think it's effective at dealing with the really deep wounding of Complex Relational Trauma.

I did have success with EMDR because for me anyway it got more of my brain working instead of being trapped in one part going around and around in a trauma fog. And I also had success with ECT for treatment resistant depression and anxiety. I didn't do well with Ketamine but I have reactions to a boatload of medications and K was one of them unfortunately. Papa Coco here on the forum has had good success with it so maybe search for his posts or PM him.

Anyway, lots of good info and support from others here at OOTS so I hope it helps!

[Chart]

Welcome AnotherPerson, so sorry to hear how much you have struggled. I definitely relate to feeling broken and hopeless. A year ago I was ready to do anything to end the pain. My only restraint was refusing to abandon my daughter as I had been abandoned. That kept me in the game and after struggling with different therapists for a year I had the incredible fortune to find an absolutely phenomenal one. I'm doing Neurofeedback, somatic exercises and visualization, among other things. My T (therapist) is very strong in multiple techniques. I'm convinced that that's important, exploring and learning about different techniques. Everybody's different. It's a lot of work, but there are results. And this forum is full of info and support.

[Papa Coco]

AnotherPerson,

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear that the CBT and medications aren't helping right now. I found CBT and medications both weren't terribly helpful to me at all. CBT just made me feel like I wasn't living correctly and needed to be retrained, but didn't validate for me the loneliness I feel all the time, or the belief that nobody cares about me. It was just a PhD telling me to change who I am or to yell into a pillow when I feel anger. And the meds calmed me while on them, but then I went right back to my traumas when the meds wore off.

As Kizzie mentioned, I have had Ketamine Infusions, and they worked very well for me. There's no real guarantee that they work for everyone, but the odds are in the favor that they are helpful. More than half of the people who try it get some good from them. You might talk with your therapist about it to see what they think.

I'm glad you found the forum, and I hope to interact with you more soon.

[BrightArrow]

Welcome, AnotherPerson—-from a fellow adult child of a mentally ill mother. So much of what you said resonates. I'm sorry for what you went through. And I hope you find healing here and in the world.

[Desert Flower]

Welcome Another Person, I hear you too. I hope you'll find lots of support and resources here like I do.