Mind Blown - just an introduction

[spryte]

I've been delving pretty deeply into some of my history with abuse to heal some pretty big issues that are holding me back in my life and I just came across the description for C-PTSD.

I'm floored.

And p'd off that I've seen 4 therapists and 3 psychiatrists in the last four years and not one of them has ever mentioned the possibility of it. I was initially diagnosed with PTSD, but my first therapist was incompetent, and while all of the others asked me about it, usually after I brought it up, the questions that I got were about classic PTSD symptoms. Am I having flashbacks. No. Do I have nightmares? No. Never mind that I completely loose my sh-t around parents who are hitting their kids, about to hit their kids, or even THREATEN to hit their kids.

I'm currently working with a therapist, but so far it seems like a lot of simple talk therapy. It's been helpful in as much as just having someone to talk to about it, but I feel like I'm doing ALL the work on my own. I'm not sure that she's going to be helpful in the long run in terms of helping me recover from the trauma's in my life. We'll see.

But, so, I'm here kind of trying to wrap my head around the fact that there's actually a name for nearly all the stuff I've been struggling with. And to look for resources so that I can continue on my healing journey.

A little bit about my history:
Abusive mom, suspected BPD. Constant criticism, controlling behavior, emotional neglect, physical violence, sudden angry outbursts - abandoned by father after HE couldn't take it anymore...left me there, along with my little brother who was the "golden child".

Classic anxious attachment issues for me, string of emotionally harmful intimate relationships starting when I was 15. One long term textbook emotionally abusive relationship, lots of other relationships where I ended up harming myself because of attachment style, co-dependency, and...apparently, all the other symptoms of C-PTSD that I never put together until now.

Have spent the last 5 years or so digging into my abusive past trying to understand myself better, digging into my brain to try to re-wire the faulty "mom-programming" and clean off all the distorted filters that I see the world through. I've become pretty aware of most of them, but still struggling greatly to change a lot of avoidance behaviors which are GREATLY affecting my productivity, and ability to move forward in life. In addition to the fact that my nervous system still seems to be set somewhere on "terrorist alert" which makes meeting my goals of going back to school to get my Masters to be a therapist - difficult to say the least.

Anyway. Glad to finally have found a community where I might find support, and find some people who are as interested in aggressively tackling these issues in order to be able to move forward as I am.

[Rain]

Welcome, spryte!!!   



You have found the right place for recovery, and a community that can be there for you.   I am new here too, but I find everyone helpful, insightful, welcoming.

Like I just wrote byways, please read www.pete-walker.com web site articles and I also highly recommend his book CPTSD Surviving to Thriving, from what I read in your post.    Forgive the mental health field as a whole, as they do not seem to be up to speed on CPTSD.   This will clear up for you in reading Pete's book.

Again, welcome.   I look forward to learning from you in what works for you, and what you learn on your Journey.

[Kizzie]

Hi Spryte:

I see Rain has posted a lovely welcome to you so just wanted to add I'm glad you found your way here! Complex PTSD is just beginning to get the attention it deserves as you have found out, although a number of traumatolgists have been working with it since the mid-90's - takes time to trickle outward to us I guess.  Pete Walker's book that Rain mentioned has really served to bring it into the public sphere thankfully so here we all are. 

It sounds like you have really done a lot of work already so kudos - those negative filters are hard to deal with so I'll be interested to hear about how you worked on those.  When you're comfortable perhaps you could explain what you mean by "avoidance behaviours" so we're on the same page as you? 

There are some printouts in the forum "Recovery" under "Toolbox" that you may want to read over and even take to your T if you think she's open to talking about CPTSD and approaches to recovery.

Again, welcome and I hope you find some of what you are looking for here.

[Badmemories]

Hi Spryte! Welcome. 

I'm currently working with a therapist, but so far it seems like a lot of simple talk therapy. It's been helpful in as much as just having someone to talk to about it, but I feel like I'm doing ALL the work on my own. I'm not sure that she's going to be helpful in the long run in terms of helping me recover from the trauma's in my life. We'll see.

I had a T like this to. I finally quit. Maybe she would have been better had I know about CPTSD... I did not! I can't blame her though... I did not even know what My problems were...

[spryte]

Thank you all for the really sweet welcome!

Rain - yes. I too am hopeful about all the advances in the psychological field as well. Psychology is fascinating to me in and of itself. I don't know if I was always interested in why people do the things that they do...if I'd have come to the field on my own, or if it was because at an early age I needed to know why my mom treated me the way that she did, why she was the way she was. So, I just got my bachelors in psychology. I'm hoping to clean up more of my "stuff" so that I can handle the rigors of a Masters Program in counseling so that I can put all that I've learned to good use.

The thing that I find to be most hopeful and inspiring is all the work that's come out in the last decade about neuroplasticity. It was really difficult to start reading about the effects of abuse, and chronic stress on the brain. I remember being very distressed at the idea that I was just going to be "broken" because of the things that had happened to me. And sure, there may be things that are irreversible, but there's so much that IS reversible.

Kizzie - when I talk about avoidance behaviors I'm talking about things like watching entirely too much TV and not getting anything done. Getting lost in books for weeks at a time, movies, the internet...anything that takes me out of the "now" and dealing with my feelings. They're coping mechanisms that I developed when I was very young. I was an avid reader from the moment I COULD read - I was a social outcast and things at home were awful, so books became my refuge. I had a steady stream of romance novels from a friend's parents who were part of a romance book club, who just gave me bags of them. Of course, that kind of fantasy, for a girl so young who already had serious daddy issues - (dad left when I was 7) - just set my brain up for a whole lot of escapist badness.

I've got a slightly obssessive compulsive personality, so I'll start binge watching shows, and like...can't stop. Same with books. I read a lot of series, and I have a few favorites that if I allow myself to get into...I can't stop. Even a single book, if it's good...I just can't make myself put it down.

I've thanked my lucky stars more than once that I seem to not have a great tolerance for drugs and alcohol...otherwise, I'm almost certain that I'd have a serious substance abuse issue.

In terms of the filters, perhaps I'll find or start a topic that I can contribute more to, but for now...I'll just say that I'm finding mindfulness, and cultivating my inner "observer" to be paramount to that process. Being able to slow my thoughts down enough to be able to pinpoint the "bad tapes" and then intentionally "re-recording" them. I've even taken to writing down in my journal what the "bad tapes" are saying, and then writing down what I want them to say instead.

^^that's been a long process.

[Rain]

I'm glad you are here at the forum, spryte.   I relate to a TON of what you have gone through, and how you responded as a kid.    I also like, along with others such as Pete Walker related in his second book, that there is hope.

Susan Forward referred to the thousands of dandelion seeds of negative messages we got in our childhoods.   I am DETERMINED to put down THOUSANDS of loving messages to myself to grow new loving neural pathways.   Positive.

CONGRATULATIONS, spryte on your psychology bachelors degree!!!   It is wonderful to think of future patients you will be there for as they enter the Journey that you are blazing now for yourself.

Today is a new day that does not have to be created by our past.     

[spryte]

Thanks Rain. I'm really glad I found this forum!