Hi everyone...[possible triggers]

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flyingfree

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Hi everyone...[possible triggers]
« on: May 07, 2015, 11:04:24 PM »
I'm a poster over at OOTF. Initially I didn't think that C-PTSD applied to me, but as I've spent more time in counselling and have gone through the process of coming OOTF and also trying to exercise boundaries, it's come to light that I am suffering from some elements of C-PTSD.

I grew up with a covert narcissistic mother and enabling, workaholic absent father. I am still in contact with them, although I am LC/VLC with my NM as she is still abusive.

Her abuse was mainly emotional, although there were elements of physical abuse at times. I was emotionally parentified by my NM and forced to take on a 'spouse' type role from an early age. Counsellor, agony aunt, companion, and scapegoat all rolled into one. I feel like my childhood was robbed from me due to this. I feel like I was invisible, unless I was of use to her.

Family roles did move about a bit, but I was the scapegoat most of the time, and am currently a scapegoat to my NM. I have a GCbrother and my NM also sees my SIL as a GC and probably the 'daughter I never had'. She rubs her relationship with GCSIL in my face to try and make me jealous and get a reaction from me.

The main issues in my childhood were neglect and emotional abandonment. I feel like the most accurate descriptor would be to say that 'I wanted for nothing except for love, attention and acceptance for who I am, not what I do'. Generally, the only way to get attention was through achievements, so I have always been a high achiever.

I think the dawning realisation that I had C-PTSD was when I told my counsellor that I can't remember large patches of my childhood.
Then we talked about how some situations in my life seem to trigger off strong emotional reactions - terror, anger, sadness, feelings of intense rejection and abandoment, a desire to run away and hide. I now realise these are EF's.
I also 'zone out' easily - disassociation. I can lose hours in a day just staring into space, or lost in a dreamworld.

I'm currently going through a really rough patch, trying to process the reality of my neglectful, abusive childhood. I feel like it's taking all of my energy to fight through this every day.

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keepfighting

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Re: Hi everyone...[possible triggers]
« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2015, 12:44:20 PM »
Hello, coralreef,

welcome to OOTS!  :wave:

I am very glad you've found us.  :yes:

I think the dawning realisation that I had C-PTSD was when I told my counsellor that I can't remember large patches of my childhood.
Then we talked about how some situations in my life seem to trigger off strong emotional reactions - terror, anger, sadness, feelings of intense rejection and abandoment, a desire to run away and hide. I now realise these are EF's.
I also 'zone out' easily - disassociation. I can lose hours in a day just staring into space, or lost in a dreamworld.

Quite a lightbulb moment. It's a tough realization.  :hug: How do you feel about it?

I was first diagnosed with PTSD in 2001 and in 2012 with CPTSD. What a difference the "C" makes - suddenly a lot about myself and my behaviour made sense to me. Since then, I have taken some (baby)steps towards developping better 'dealing with CPTSD muscles'. Pete Walker's book "CPTSD - From Surviving to Thriving" has been very helpful to me, as has his website http://www.pete-walker.com/. Have you checked these out yet?

I'm currently going through a really rough patch, trying to process the reality of my neglectful, abusive childhood. I feel like it's taking all of my energy to fight through this every day.

 :hug:

Be very very kind to yourself. You've managed to survive the trauma, now it's time to concentrate on learning how to thrive in the present and the future. You deserve it.  :yes:

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flyingfree

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Re: Hi everyone...[possible triggers]
« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2015, 08:41:55 AM »

I think the dawning realisation that I had C-PTSD was when I told my counsellor that I can't remember large patches of my childhood.
Then we talked about how some situations in my life seem to trigger off strong emotional reactions - terror, anger, sadness, feelings of intense rejection and abandoment, a desire to run away and hide. I now realise these are EF's.
I also 'zone out' easily - disassociation. I can lose hours in a day just staring into space, or lost in a dreamworld.

Quite a lightbulb moment. It's a tough realization.  :hug: How do you feel about it?

To be honest, quite upset. I feel like I was making progress in my journey OOTF, but to be hit with this is scary. I can't help but wonder how hard it's going to be work through all of this.
Plus, angry. That usual feeling of 'I can't believe that their actions led to this. I can't believe they're still trying to act like they're the normal ones and I'm not.'
At the same time, it's reassuring to know that I'm not just 'lazy' (the disassociation) or 'crazy' (the EF's) or have a 'terrible memory' (the lack of memories). The fact that there *is* hope to get better, to have better relationships.

I've had a brief look at Pete Walker's website. I should download the e-book too.


Be very very kind to yourself. You've managed to survive the trauma, now it's time to concentrate on learning how to thrive in the present and the future. You deserve it.  :yes:

Thanks! I'm taking some steps towards taking better care of myself. I'm trying to be very compassionate with myself and be ok with the fact that I'm dealing with all of these things.

Thankyou for making me feel welcome :)

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: Hi everyone...[possible triggers]
« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2015, 06:53:40 PM »
I've been finding a real growth spurt quick - therapist is v good -
To start really seeing the damage is very eye opening and yes I had mixed feelings too - just as you've described -
Yes I had that thought a few mths ago ' how long is this going to take -
Now I don't feel like this
Best wishes

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Kizzie

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Re: Hi everyone...[possible triggers]
« Reply #4 on: May 12, 2015, 08:49:13 PM »
Hi CR and a warm welcome to OOTS   :wave:   I can't remember big chunks of my past either and it was relief finally to find out why, that I spent a lot of time dissociating to get through the days, months and years because of CPTSD. 

If you've been over at OOTF you know then how crazy making PD behaviour is.  Like you I didn't realize at first just how traumatic it can be.  Learning about CPTSD explained a lot after years of searching, all the missing pieces just fell into place.  As you say though, when they did I also realized that there is a longer or at least different path to travel in terms of recovery. 

At least here we aren't alone in that.  My life is so much richer for the validalidation, support, encouragement, compassion and wisdom I have found here.

Glad to have you on the board  :hug:
« Last Edit: May 12, 2015, 08:51:30 PM by Kizzie »

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flyingfree

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Re: Hi everyone...[possible triggers]
« Reply #5 on: May 13, 2015, 07:54:57 AM »
I've been finding a real growth spurt quick - therapist is v good -
To start really seeing the damage is very eye opening and yes I had mixed feelings too - just as you've described -
Yes I had that thought a few mths ago ' how long is this going to take -
Now I don't feel like this
Best wishes

Thanks - it's reassuring to hear this from you! I'm still feeling very overwhelmed so it's good to know things will improve. I'm glad they are for you. Best wishes to you too.

Hi CR and a warm welcome to OOTS   :wave:   I can't remember big chunks of my past either and it was relief finally to find out why, that I spent a lot of time dissociating to get through the days, months and years because of CPTSD. 

If you've been over at OOTF you know then how crazy making PD behaviour is.  Like you I didn't realize at first just how traumatic it can be.  Learning about CPTSD explained a lot after years of searching, all the missing pieces just fell into place.  As you say though, when they did I also realized that there is a longer or at least different path to travel in terms of recovery. 

At least here we aren't alone in that.  My life is so much richer for the validalidation, support, encouragement, compassion and wisdom I have found here.

Glad to have you on the board  :hug:

Thanks Kizzie. Yes, I didn't realise how traumatic it was until recently, I guess I was in that initial process, but now the hard work is really kicking in.

Thanks for welcoming me warmly :)