Feeling an Emptiness and Deep Longing

[rainydiary]

I haven't really spoken to my FOO beyond a few texts here and there around birthdays. 

I don't want to talk to them because every conversation is predictable and surface and not acknowledging of any of the things that happened over the years.

And yet, I feel this sense of grief.  I also feel shame like I am doing something wrong.  I feel like no matter what I am not living up to their expectations.

I wish I had a family that cared about me.  I wish I had a family that would talk through what happened and make things better. 

I wish I had been cared for the way I needed growing up so that I didn't feel perpetually disconnected from other people.

Our way has just been to lose connection over time.  I tried and tried and tried for long.  And it's never been good enough.  I feel like us "losing touch" will somehow also be my fault in their eyes. 

It's like I can't have the relationship I want and need but am left with pain and hurt instead. 

[Bach]

 

[Blueberry]

rainy, I resonate deeply.   

[Phoebes]

I am right there with you