Still hurt

[rainydiary]

I am feeling really low today.  I'm not sure I've cycled through my emotions about a recent a-ha I had.

I am realizing how I have fallen into a dynamic with the principal and the special education teacher at the school where I work which is me still trying to received approval and validation from my parents.

I feel so ashamed of this.  It's embarrassing.  And I can't seem to stop and break out of the cycle I'm in.  I'm still stuck in some of the actions I've been doing and that is making me feel really ashamed.

What I am seeking is to be seen and heard.  And it's not working so I feel distressed and disconnected.

I sort of manage to feel ok when I am home but am stuck when I get to work. 

[NarcKiddo]

I am sorry you're struggling with this, and feeling shame on top of it all.

I'm glad you are posting about it here, though. I hope being seen and heard on this forum might help just a little bit even though it's not the same as being seen and heard by the people you want to be doing it.

[Kizzie]

Sorry to hear this Rainy, especially that you feel shame about it. I do think most of us need to be seen and heard, that it's part of being human not just because we have CPTSD. For us though it can be heightened I know.

Although it's hard right now because the realization popped into consciousness, perhaps a bit of "good for me for seeing that" and "I need to be kinder to myself because that's how I learned to behave in order to survive" are called for?  You saw something it sounds like you suppressed before and now you are facing it. 

I don't know if this will help but I like this saying: "If you can name it you can tame it." Maybe knowing this you will try to do what makes you happy/content with your work, even if it's a little at a time. We do have to unlearn behaviours and that can take time.

  

[Desert Flower]

 

[rainydiary]

NarcKiddo, I appreciate that perspective.  There are many ways to be seen and heard.

Kizzie, I do see growth in myself in recognizing my patterns.  It's my own Groundhog Dog that I repeat over and over.  I agree it is really helpful to name what is happening and I think that helping me move through this faster than I would have in the past.

Desert Flower, I appreciate the care.
...

I wanted to share an update as this morning I realized more of what is going on.

I am grieving that three people I really liked and had success working with have either moved on to different jobs or were reassigned to different schools.

I could be myself with these people or at least more of myself.  They listened to me and modified their actions and mindsets through our work together.  I also had the chance to see that I can work with others successfully.

Some of the hurt I am feeling with the principal and special education teacher are that I can't really be myself with them.  They say they support me but their actions don't match their words.  I think this was true last school year too but I didn't notice as much because I had these other people lifting me up.

I do feel like today I was able to break a bit of the stuckness I've been feeling.  I'm still not feeling heard but hopefully my inner chaos will calm a bit.