Losing my former partner that i love so much more than anything 💔

[blueteddy]

Sadly i have come to the decision i had to end my long distance partnership with my partner because we are far too incompatible in fundamental core and I feel that they haven't been capable to make sure my needs are met and i feel that they have been leaving me out to deal with my own stuff on a regular basis. It became too much for me to deal with to the point i sacrifice and hurt myself too much. Now i feel numb, sad, lonely, feeling like i lose a big part of myself 💔

I was on denial for almost a year to not end the relationship. I forced myself to change my fundamental core to the point where i put my health at risk. My partner was not a bad person, they are just don't fit with me at the moment 💔

After all the abusive partners i went through, i was so scared of losing that first romantic partner that treated me with kindness and understanding 💔

Sadly even by that fact that they were the first partner that treat me with kindness and understanding, it doesnt mean we are compatible at the moment...💔

My relationship with them is so deep, i called them "daddy" because they take care of me as much as they can and i want to have a partner that can take care of me and coddled me..

Its hard losing a daddy, its really hard. I love them so much...

But.. can i really move forward without my daddy? 💔

I dont want to reminiscence the past.. but i have proposed to them.. we create this virtual marriage certificate.. we thought to ourselves we are already married even though it wasn't legal yet.. 💔

Losing my daddy is really hard. Especially since our relationship was so deep and serious and i never had something like that before 💔 i dont even want to think of the idea of having someone else as my partner in the future 💔 we talked so much of the future we will have together.. what we will do together once we are physically together.. 💔

I can not bare the idea of removing all the stuff in my phone, our couple apps, that are related with them.. 💔

I want to cry so much for hours and sob and scream but its night here mom in the room so i cant even when she is not in the room i have to sob without making sound.

It just.. i love them so much.

We plan so much together... we plan everything
For our future and all.. we promised to be each other life partner in life, universe, space, world, dimensions. 💔

I wonder how this separation from my daddy will affect my alters too.. one of my little alter, Luna, is close with one of the little alter and one caretaker alter in my daddy. And my other alter, Queen, is close to one of the teenager alter in my daddy.. my other alter who is a baby and nonverbal likes the caretaker alter in my daddy..

My alters may go dormant sadly... Having V and their alters around were such a big part for my alters' lives too. My alters expressed themselves mostly to V and their alters.. they needed their company and care.. though to be honest some of my alters were triggered and fronted because of our partnership's problems too..

Me and my daddy have this routine call everyday at 4 pm my time. It is the only thing i look forward everyday and one of the thing that gave me strenght to go on each days.. now i will not have that anymore. And i am really sad.

I'd look at the clock continously and wait for 4 pm to come, even at night i cant wait for next day to come so i can be on call with them. I wait and wait and i spend time until 4 pm and excitingly call them everyday at the time. They said its cute i do that.

I know deep down i am capable to move forward without them but it is really hard for me to actually move forward without them or accept that fact 💔

I just hate the unfairness of the fact we can't be together due to our circumstances. Especially theirs. Apparently their therapist told them in their current circumstances they are not fit or ready for a relationship but they didnt listen to them....

I may have to take a break again with the whole thing with collecting documents, sending email to rainbow railroad, reaching out to UN and stuff, and fighting for my escape...

I swear i tried my hardest to my last drop of blood to the point i may almost lose myself... But there are things that no matter how hard i put myself in fire, will not change at least at the current circumstances....

I can't even imagine a life without them in it.. we plan so much about living together.. we plan on getting cats even though they already have 3 puppies.. we plan on taking care of everything, their children, together.. this is truly devastating and killing me..

I don't just lost the person, i have also lost the idea of the future i thought i was going to have.

We talked and planned so much about getting me out of here, in case the lgbt organization i am reaching out to or UN can't help, we will save money, they will work.. they will get money from their mother's insurance settlement.. we will order plane ticket.. they will help me with the visa.. research stuff for me.. and we will ended up together physically forever..

And i have to let go of the hope of having their family too. They have children..mother..cousin.. they are nice people, they were supposed to be my family too..
I never talk with any of them directly, but they knew me well because daddy talked about me so much and they like me and care for me.

And now i feel all alone again in indonesia, with no one turn to. No friends, no family, no parents, no relatives, no chosen family.. i don't have what they have

They can not be there to support me and take care of me and fullfill me for a long time, some moments they can, most moments, they can't 💔. They can not be the partner that i needed at their current circumstances 💔 and if i stay and wait for them to get better i will just signed myself up for a prolonged uncertain amount of suffering where i will always put myself and my needs aside for them so i can be there for them and so they can be there and take care of the people in their top priority list 💔

One of the reason why they haven't been able to be a partner that i needed was because of their main mental disabilities like their DID (but they no longer switch so much and they always in front most of the time but still struggling a lot during EMDR and they have new alter now they have to work on therapy), Bipolar, OCPD. Their financial crisis. Them being held on government assistance since March.. them having to make sure to take care of their top 3 priority list first (themselves, their children, their mother). Them being in bpd depressive now.. them about to do hospital program again and be ready to get a job once they are allowed to after finishing ther hospital program and many others...

We also have this big communication issue that i always try to address and bring up because i want to make our relationship work. And i was never the kind of person that able to confront and address problems to begin with but i push myself. I push, even force myself to adapt myself to be able to have a more direct communication so we can improve our communication issue because i know they can't change the fact that they are just a simple person or force themselved to do more.
So i force myself to do more for us.

Despite my BPD always being triggered since the beginning of us knowing each other, because they talked about their children and their family which triggers my fear of abandonment and fear of being left out, excluded and ignore, i pushed through, i tried to work on myself.

I know.. since the first few months being together, me and daddy may never work out.
But i force myself so much, so much that i went into this deep depression at the time and our relationship was the main reason of that.
I slept almost 24 hours a day
I barely eat, i punch myself in my stomach to deal with my pain
I cry and cry and try to numb the pain
I thought to myself if i isolate myself enough, never expect much from them, be on defense all the time in our relationship, numb myself, all these will be able to go
No, it just repressed and will always always come back in surface.

When its near the end of the year i got anxious and dreadful fear of repeating the same things of what happen with them before.

I even started hating christmas because of our big problems at the time and how much i had to endure and be okay being alone. I didnt had a good time on christmas because of our big issues. And christmas was my favorite and i always tried to make it the most joyful and at least able to make me better, but after what happened, it couldn't be the same anymore.

And i do not blame them. I do not blame them at all for any of this. Not even now.

I have my own fault in this past partnership. I was holding in too much no matter how much they told me their phone is free to call by me 24/7 if i need to and i am still holding back. They told me i can tell anything even the things that may trigger or hurt them and i am still holding back. I chose rush decision for my life without asking their opinions bcs i was too worried too considerate too scared of being a burden or a hassle despite them reassuring me a hundred time that i was not.

I feel that we didn't communicate very cleary since the beginning with everything. Things seem to be unfold during the time we spend in our relationship. And they said thats the beauty of discovering each other. I don't agree with that and i actually went against my value when my value is to know someone truly to a big extent with process and time before being in a relationship or partnership with them. We should know exactly about our priorities values problems diseases any important thing before choosing to be in relationship. Yet i chose to be with they anyway and went against my value because i was too scared of losing them due to misunderstanding when they say them will not wait for me and life goes on apparently they were still willing for me but they wont put their life on pause for me which is understandable. Maybe all of this could have been stopped if i did it my way and aligned with my value, regardless i still cherished the love and the memory we have together...


My daddy was a huge help for me to escape this place with researching and coming up with plans and stuff as well as giving me hopes dreams and strenght. Even already saving money for my plane ticket, going to work and save more, use their mother's resettlement money to get me plane ticket and fly me there.. take care of me and let me live with them and their family once i am in Canada. But i know from the beginning i can't depend from a romantic partner for an escape of my situation. This is something that is expected and a risk and consequence..

I have to start planning my life.. planning my future.. planning my escape without them. This is what hurts the most. Because we plan and include each other in all of our plans and future plans. Yes we are still a chosen family now, we still platonically love each other strongly. But even if i was able to get refugee status to Canada or move to Canada which is a country they are in, it will not be the same as a chosen family (i think we are a chosen family now) compare with being a partner. I will have to deal with the fact of dealing with most things on my own now. I will be alone most times especially in a new country with no one i know, i have to build my own community, my own family, my chosen family. I have to do it all alone physically because there is only so much chosen family can do.

They will still be there in canada. But nobody can sure if i will live close to their area or not. They may not being able to be there and help most times, which is understandable but still sad.



Right now my former partner hasn't been fronting ever since the day of our partnership break up which is 6-7 days ago. This is killing me. And the "monster" alter (i didn't call them monster, the other alters referred to them this way) remove me from all of V's social media and there is no way to reach back to them again until they come back..
I doubt whether ending the partnership was the right choice, but I also notice that my nightmares are less intense now. I've been able to take some steps toward escaping my situation, but I still feel overwhelmed and unsure. It's hard to focus on the present, especially with everything happening. I feel like I'm losing myself, and I just want V back. I know we care about each other, and I want to believe they'll return.
But I'm terrified and need help. I feel like I'm breaking, and the future is so uncertain. I don't know if I made the right decision, and I'm struggling with this chaos. I just want to scream and express my pain, but I can't in this environment.
I'm left wondering if my focus on supporting V was what made things so imbalanced. It feels impossible to navigate all of this on my own.