Navigating Conflict

[rainydiary]

Today I had an experience with a group of colleagues that gave me additional perspective on this one person.

I came to a meeting because I thought they wanted to hear my ideas.  Instead they talked over me, told me what they had already decided, and were overall just very disrespectful. 

It really was shocking to me that they showed who they are in this moment.  It also showed me a pattern that seems present in some of the people here.

One person said something about autistic people that didn't sit right.  I had already corrected their language in many ways and didn't say anything in response to that because I was processing how little they had listened to me over the past several weeks.

After the meeting I spoke with some trusted colleagues about how that meeting made me feel.  One who was present in the meeting said it felt off to her too.  So I decided to send a message to the team with a resource I made on language shifts needed when talking about autistic people.

I'm processing and disappointed in the mindsets I see here.  It will help me set boundaries with these folks.

[Mathilde]

Sorry you are having trouble with these persons.

You've had some good ideas and advices. I indeed think asking questions can help. I think it is good how you handled that last situation. You were right to check, then speak up. I think.

Do you have any kind of mentor/coach/trust person you could discuss such questions with? At work?

I had a problem with a colleague where she was harsh, bordering on abusive, with kids with a disability. Every company here has a person to share such things with in confidence. And who can help you what to do. Especially if it is a broader problem. I was helped by that. She helped me bring it up in a good way.

Good that you found support in colleagues.

[Kizzie]

After the meeting I spoke with some trusted colleagues about how that meeting made me feel.  One who was present in the meeting said it felt off to her too.  So I decided to send a message to the team with a resource I made on language shifts needed when talking about autistic people.

Bravo rainy, that's great you decided to make yourself heard whether they let you speak or not.     

[NarcKiddo]

Well done for sending that message. I'm sorry you had to spell it out to the team and it must have been challenging to do that. You did really well.

[rainydiary]

Mathilde, thank you for the thought.  I struggle with identifying those trusted people and I'm not always sure who a go to person is in my job.  I do have a supervisor that I can talk to and some colleagues that can be helpful.

...

Kizzie, thank you.  Looking back I wish the other colleague had spoken up in the meeting.  It is making me realize we collectively aren't very good at addressing possible harm in the moment.  Sometimes it may be best to not address but even a general question like "can we pause for a moment and check in on how this conversation is going?" seems important.
...

NarcKiddo, I appreciate your support.  It isn't easy and I wish I didn't need to do that.  But I try to speak up when I can because it is important now and in the long run.

[rainydiary]

I wanted to share some updates about all of this.

The colleague who said something inappropriate about autism came and apologized to me. 

The apology felt a bit empty to me and less about addressing the harm with me.  Ever since then this person has been really weird towards me.  I don't feel responsible for managing their emotions.

I'm truthfully less upset with the individual and more upset with the systems and mindsets in place that perpetuate these outdated ideas.  What I really want is for that person to learn and do better.  Ultimately that isn't in my control.

What I have started doing is sharing ideas more directly in emails with people.  I relate the ideas to a specific situation instead of just sharing general information.  It's going ok with some people. 

I am trying to find ways to share my perspective in ways that work for me. 

[Kizzie]

The apology felt a bit empty to me and less about addressing the harm with me.  Ever since then this person has been really weird towards me.  I don't feel responsible for managing their emotions.

Even if the apology felt empty (and that may be because they're not great at apologies), they at least realize they need to do so and that's a step forward. They know at least they cannot push through your boundaries and you will not just let them do so.

As for them being weird maybe they've rarely or never really had anyone enforce their boundaries. Some people just keep pushing because they know people will give up. Anyway,  I love that you're not taking responsibility for their feelings!     

[rainydiary]

Thank you, Kizzie.  I would say that apology is more than I've been given by others.

Unfortunately, things with the initial colleague I wrote about as well as a few others have started to become more tense.

My advocacy and boundaries are not sitting well with them and they are beginning to become mean and bullying.  Thankfully inappropriate comments have been made in front of witnesses and it has given me validation that I am not imagining their behavior.

My plan is to back off as much as I can with certain people.  I won't stop with my boundaries but I will interact with these particular people as little as possible which naturally occurs.

I have been in this place many times before and it is so discouraging because I know it is primarily related to being an autistic person and CPTSD survivor and how people handle differences as well as being challenged in their poor behavior. 

I plan to ask my supervisor to work at a different school next year and thus need to survive the next 6 months.

[NarcKiddo]

I am really impressed by how you are handling all of this. It is not easy, and bullies are always horrid to have to deal with. I am glad you are planning how to cope with it in a way that enables you to get your points across as you need to but without (hopefully) provoking an intolerable reaction from the bullies.

We're all rooting for you.

[Kizzie]

I'm so sorry Rainy, that shouldn't happen anywhere but especially in an educational environment where those involved really should know more about autism, learning differently, cultural differences, trauma, all kinds of things that can impact learning.

We are definitely rooting for you