Navigating Conflict

[rainydiary]

Something is bothering me about a conflict I am in with a coworker.

This coworker and I have a big difference of opinion in how to approach work with a particular group of students. I don't think she realizes (or maybe is just realizing) that I don't agree with her and that what she is doing isn't actually affirming to the students.

This difference has pushed us further apart over time and has recently widened because I set a boundary with her regarding a training she is organizing for teachers.  I want her to stop what she is doing and she also is very self assured that her approach is fine (or stuck in admitting to herself that she is wrong).

My perspective is informed by lived experience both as a member of that group (being autistic) as well as knowledge and living with CPTSD (which her approach could lead to for these students).

I know that I could talk to her.  I also don't feel like talking to her is safe at this point.  And both of these points make me feel upset.  I want to want to talk to her and also am really scared.

Even though it is hard for me to be in conflict, I think I do have good skills to manage when another person is willing. 

But I am stuck because I know that she will be resistant and I am scared of consequences that could fall on me because she is more savvy at navigating the social power and structures than I am.

[Kizzie]

Even though it is hard for me to be in conflict, I think I do have good skills to manage when another person is willing. 

But I am stuck because I know that she will be resistant and I am scared of consequences that could fall on me because she is more savvy at navigating the social power and structures than I am.

I wish I could say "Go for it, tell her you think she's wrong" but I've had experiences like this go sideways and that triggered me quite badly. In the end it's about you and how well (or badly) you will fare if she is not willing to hear you. My suggestion since from what you are saying is she doesn't seem to be open is to take things up a level if you feel you could manage that.

As a fellow survivor I understand you want the best for this group of students, but you may have to pay a price you're not ready for. We have to be careful and manage our CPTSD so imo the question to ask would be "Will this strengthen me or would it set me back to tackle this? 

[rainydiary]

Thank you for the thoughts Kizzie.

Right now I am wondering "what is really bothering me?  What is really going on?"

I honestly don't know.  But I think I am hurting myself more at this point.

I think I need to take a step back and let things go for a bit.

[rainydiary]

In thinking about this more, I think some of what it is about is feeling rejected for who I really am by this person.

Last year I felt accepted by her and something has changed.  I am feeling a sense of desperation to return to the past.

[Kizzie]

Just a thought Rainy but perhaps she is stepping back because you are showing the real you. It may be more negative for her because you do assert yourself to a greater extent than you used to?

I guess what I'm saying is it's on her not you if she can't take you having stronger boundaries.

[rainydiary]

Kizzie, this may be the case.  I would say I think the difference is way more about her than me. 

She had not planned to return to our school this year and I don't know what happened. Maybe she couldn't get another job, maybe she couldn't get out of the contract we have to sign.  Either way she doesn't seem like someone that wants to be here.

And yet interestingly my brain interprets this as something I've done and I am placing fault with myself. 

[rainydiary]

Today I went to a meeting that was led by this person I am struggling with.

The meeting was for the whole staff at the school where I work.  I don't usually attend these meetings and am less familiar with the dynamics of everyone together.

In many ways it was enlightening.

I saw my colleague do to others things she does to me.  I saw that in some ways she is trying to advocate and also is not going about it in a way that makes that clear.

So the tension I am feeling is feeling less and less about me.

I am adjusting how I interact with her and think the adjustments are needed.  Hopefully that will help.

[Kizzie]

  Good on you Rainy!  It does sound like she isn't exactly happy to be there and that's what's changed, not how she thinks about you specifically.

[rainydiary]

I had another difficult experience with this co-worker yesterday.

A lot of the issue is that I was exhausted before having to be in a meeting with her and because I pushed myself past my limits to show up, I was already operating from a less grounded place.

She continues to come from her less informed place and I leave the meeting feeling like I am somehow wrong for something that I know I am not wrong about. 

I am really anxious for a series of meetings I will be in with her coming up all for autistic kids.  I don't know how to feel protected or prepared.

[Kizzie]

If you were exhausted going into the meeting yesterday then you were not at your strongest so be kind to yourself.  This doesn't mean you won't be in better form for the next meetings.

If you do know that you know what you're talking about maybe plan to simply say to her when she veers off course, "I disagree with what you're saying because ....." If she pushes back, stand your ground respectfully but firmly. She likely will continue to push but think of all those kids you're speaking up for, they need you to be resolute.

If you can't do this just yet, again please be kind to yourself. You have not failed. You've had years of training when it comes to not speaking truth to someone else's pushiness and you are trying so bravo to you! 

[rainydiary]

Thank you for the encouragement Kizzie.  I do have a list of phrases that I printed out earlier this year for navigating conflict.  I haven't had success in using any of them yet. 

I think it would be helpful to have a phrase I could say.  She suggests goals or approaches to working with autistic students that I don't agree with.  In the moment I tend to get flooded, so I will try to have a visual reminder or practice saying my phrase so I will have it ready.

As I write this I am reminding myself that I do navigate conflict with a different team of folks that work with preschool kids.  Even though I am really challenged by their mindsets too, we have cultivated a relationship where we can talk through these things. 

I think what bothers me the most is I felt really supported by this person last school year and now things are weird.  I mostly don't understand why she won't listen to me.  I do have a tendency to want to control others when I don't feel heard which mostly looks like me having obsessive thoughts and wearing myself out.

I am working on this but it is hard right now. 

[Kizzie]

Maybe it's not so much wanting to control others, but just wanting to be heard and have your thoughts/ opinions/ knowledge validated and not dismissed? And honestly, who doesn't want that? Feeling like she's against you can be really triggering I know.

Is there any chance you would have a talk with her about what you sense is going on and why this might be so? You managed to work through conflicts with the other group you mentioned and maintain a good relationship so perhaps you can do this with her also.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate that reframing Kizzie.  It is really compassionate and what everyone wants.

I would like for her and I to be able to talk through this and I also am not sure that is the right approach. 

I had more examples today of her doing similar things to other people and was again reminded that this isn't specific to our working relationship.  Other people today told me about communication challenges and feeling a lack of collaboration with her.

It does me wonder what is up with her.  For right now I think I might need to make some internal boundaries for myself with her. 

[NarcKiddo]

I've been following your thread and I am sorry you are having trouble with this person. Since other people are having trouble with her too that seems to be complete validation that the problem does, in fact, rest with her.

You wanted to have something you could say to her. I don't know if this is helpful, so ignore if not. But my immediate thought was that saying something challenging or aimed at shutting her down might just increase the problem. Something along the lines of "I don't understand how that might work. Would you mind explaining it again" could be useful. It does not put any blame on her. It does make her justify her approach, and if she is being awkward at a meeting then it also gives others an opportunity to say they don't understand, either.

It looks to me like she was supportive before because she maybe thought you were, or could be made into, an ally. Now she realises you have differing views it looks like she maybe can't deal with that and is not strong enough to stand behind her own ideas and explain them nicely without just trying to bulldoze. At any rate it does not sound like she is a good team player and I am sorry you are having to deal with her.

[rainydiary]

NarcKiddo, I appreciate your thoughts and perspective.