Self-destructive form of empathy

[blueteddy]

Could this be a symptoms of CPTSD and if it does, does anybody know the term for it?

I have this thing when my empathy runs so deep that when I hear about someone else's trauma, I don't just feel sad or hurt for them. It's like I absorb their pain so completely that I start to experience it as if it were my own. It's not just a momentary feeling—I internalize their trauma so deeply that I actually develop triggers about the details relating with their traumas, even when those details didn't even trigger them themselves. Or even for example if i have a friend, this friend is a white person living with white family and this friend has been through cheating and abuse in this family, whenever i see media that represent white families or cheating, i will start getting triggered.

Their trauma becomes part of me in a way that I can't separate from my own emotional landscape. It's like their pain becomes embedded in me, and I carry it everywhere. It's so intense that I feel responsible for helping them, lift up their pain or make their days brighter a little bit even though I know I don't have to do all that. But because I've been forced to take on other people's emotions my entire life, it's hard for me to break out of that. This feels really self-destructive to me because I end up living with the weight of everyone's trauma, not just my own and then i also feel responsible for their pain and sufferings even for strangers not even just a friend and i don't even need to know their details of trauma but i will feel extremely responsible and in pain and worries for the rest of my life or a long period of time.

I'm not sure if it's something like "Empathy with no boundaries"? because technically i have been trying to work on this alone with no help of professional help (i have no access to them), and i have been able to slowly at least not taking on other people job on fixing their own troubles or struggles, so i have set up some boundaries at least when it comes to the action, but the feeling itself is the most difficult part. I still can't separate it from me.

Recently i read some post of a friend on this website and it deeply affect me to the point i had vivid traumatic nightmare (i normally do every night, but with my current break up with my former partner and then reading my friend's posts, it's making the nightmare a lot worse).

Through my research, I found out that this could be linked to CPTSD and how I was raised with not only extreme abuse but also had to be responsible for everyone's emotions, struggles and be hyper aware so that I could keep peace for not only me but also everyone else.

[Kizzie]

We're not psychologists here but feeling others' pain is something that does happen with CPTSD. Just a suggestion but if you do not have a therapist it may be a good idea to find one and work on your recovery with them for a bit.  Reading here can be quite triggering so not the best idea if it's affecting you so much. In therapy the T will typically gauge how much you can take and titrate your exposure which may save you from really deep, dark feelings and dreams.

[blueteddy]

We're not psychologists here but feeling others' pain is something that does happen with CPTSD. Just a suggestion but if you do not have a therapist it may be a good idea to find one and work on your recovery with them for a bit.  Reading here can be quite triggering so not the best idea if it's affecting you so much. In therapy the T will typically gauge how much you can take and titrate your exposure which may save you from really deep, dark feelings and dreams.

Yeah i want to find therapist too but in Indonesia is almost impossible to find one that is decent and not abusive and accept governmental insurance. Once i move out of Indonesia one of my main goal is to immediately get proper mental and physical help..

[Lakelynn]

Hello blueteddy,

I can relate to what you are asking. I can't say for certain if it is cPTSD related, but I can say as a person who "suffers" from the same kind of empathy that this is all familiar territory to me.

Before I get into it, I completely support Kizzie's suggestion. And I also understand that you may not be in a position to DO anything about it. I fully appreciate that some places don't have the same access to care we might have where we live.

These are my opinions, ideas and experiences here-not meant to be the be all and end all.

Complex PTSD is relational and also is the incubator for our personality and thought formation. Therefore, we are primed to become "empathetic." What is empathy? "The ability to identify with or understand another's situation or feelings." How did we develop this ability? By being in situations where we had to understand. And who did we have to understand most? Our parents. Without that understanding we could not survive.

Like anything in life, a good thing can become become excessive.

In our quest to understand, some of us became better at this and as a result we have traits which have refined and amplified this. I also believe we have a genetic predisposition towards certain thinking and feeling patterns. Personality "is not just nurture, but also nature." We may never figure out the exact percentage of each one, but they both influence who we are and how we feel.


I used to have the same experiences you did. Personally, I believe it comes from a place of deep longing for connection. That longing itself is healthy, but the way I felt it and allowed it to enter my experience was not. Yes, I could see a movie scene, place myself there and then dream about it. Sometimes in a nightmare, sometimes more ordinarily. I would hear and remember other people's conversations, take on their problems as my own, then spend time trying to solve them!

What allowed me to reduce this and eventually eliminate it is therapy and the upfront commitment  to myself to allow other people to solve their own issues. I could be a poster child for care-taking. If someone or something needed care, I was first in line to support and nurture. People, animals, it didn't matter.

My first wake up call was sitting in the emergency department with a swollen hand. I'd been routinely scratched by my cat, but this time, I didn't care for myself and it got infected. The MD was so alarmed he wanted me to stay OVERNIGHt! I didn't.

This eventually led me to embrace a lifestyle without animals. Not only was I allergic, but also sustained injuries on a regular basis. I lead with this because it forced me to move from getting emotional needs met from people, not animals. I was very inexperienced and needed to learn. I never learned when kids did. So it was in a sense back to being a pre-teen and doing it as a old person.

Stay with me here. On this journey of getting needs met and learning how to live with others, I desperately wanted to stay the way I'd always been. You can't. You can decide that when suffering is the only thing you experience that it's time to try something else. I started with my own family. There are LOTS of opportunities. What fertile ground! And person by person, I began to step back, set boundaries, say to others, "I don't want to hear about that. I don't want to talk about that."

I can't claim I'm "there" or have arrived. I can say when I find myself drowning in empathy, feeling, dreaming and suffering AS another might, I've lost myself. Setting boundaries, learning about self-compassion, practicing small steps daily may lessen the intensity of empathy gone rouge. 

[blueteddy]

Hello blueteddy,

I can relate to what you are asking. I can't say for certain if it is cPTSD related, but I can say as a person who "suffers" from the same kind of empathy that this is all familiar territory to me.

Before I get into it, I completely support Kizzie's suggestion. And I also understand that you may not be in a position to DO anything about it. I fully appreciate that some places don't have the same access to care we might have where we live.

These are my opinions, ideas and experiences here-not meant to be the be all and end all.

Complex PTSD is relational and also is the incubator for our personality and thought formation. Therefore, we are primed to become "empathetic." What is empathy? "The ability to identify with or understand another's situation or feelings." How did we develop this ability? By being in situations where we had to understand. And who did we have to understand most? Our parents. Without that understanding we could not survive.

Like anything in life, a good thing can become become excessive.

In our quest to understand, some of us became better at this and as a result we have traits which have refined and amplified this. I also believe we have a genetic predisposition towards certain thinking and feeling patterns. Personality "is not just nurture, but also nature." We may never figure out the exact percentage of each one, but they both influence who we are and how we feel.


I used to have the same experiences you did. Personally, I believe it comes from a place of deep longing for connection. That longing itself is healthy, but the way I felt it and allowed it to enter my experience was not. Yes, I could see a movie scene, place myself there and then dream about it. Sometimes in a nightmare, sometimes more ordinarily. I would hear and remember other people's conversations, take on their problems as my own, then spend time trying to solve them!

What allowed me to reduce this and eventually eliminate it is therapy and the upfront commitment  to myself to allow other people to solve their own issues. I could be a poster child for care-taking. If someone or something needed care, I was first in line to support and nurture. People, animals, it didn't matter.

My first wake up call was sitting in the emergency department with a swollen hand. I'd been routinely scratched by my cat, but this time, I didn't care for myself and it got infected. The MD was so alarmed he wanted me to stay OVERNIGHt! I didn't.

This eventually led me to embrace a lifestyle without animals. Not only was I allergic, but also sustained injuries on a regular basis. I lead with this because it forced me to move from getting emotional needs met from people, not animals. I was very inexperienced and needed to learn. I never learned when kids did. So it was in a sense back to being a pre-teen and doing it as a old person.

Stay with me here. On this journey of getting needs met and learning how to live with others, I desperately wanted to stay the way I'd always been. You can't. You can decide that when suffering is the only thing you experience that it's time to try something else. I started with my own family. There are LOTS of opportunities. What fertile ground! And person by person, I began to step back, set boundaries, say to others, "I don't want to hear about that. I don't want to talk about that."

I can't claim I'm "there" or have arrived. I can say when I find myself drowning in empathy, feeling, dreaming and suffering AS another might, I've lost myself. Setting boundaries, learning about self-compassion, practicing small steps daily may lessen the intensity of empathy gone rouge. 

Thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate hearing about your experience, and I can definitely relate to it. I've also been slowly trying to set boundaries and stop myself from trying to fix other people's problems, but I'm still very, very new to this process, especially since I've been doing it on my own. I have seen some progress in myself, but it's still really hard for me to separate my emotions from other people's pain.

Like you, I've gotten better at not feeling like I have to find ways to fix someone else's problems or make their day better. I still absorb their pain, but I've managed to stop myself from taking action for them. The most I do now is offer advice or maybe look up some information, but I'm no longer spending most of my time trying to solve everything for them. That's been a small victory for me, at least.

However, the hardest part is still how deeply I absorb their trauma and pain, especially with my former partner. They went through so much, and their trauma was so extreme that I was very attached to them, to the point where I couldn't tell the difference between my own problems and theirs. Even though I've improved a little bit in this area, I'm still deeply affected by their trauma and still having every details of triggers from their traumas even though they themselves may and may not have those. This continue to weigh heavily on me even now.

[Desert Flower]

I can also relate very much blueteddy. When I was young, my father died and all that seemed important at that time was how much my mother was suffering. I was consumed with her suffering. And I never developed any sense of what it was like for me to have lost my dad. I've spent much of my life feeling I was somehow responsible for making my mother happy (which I can't) instead of starting by making myself happy first. I'm now in the process of turning that around.

I am convinced we have nothing to give to another person when we have no compassion for ourselves first. And most of all, I'm not responsible for another person's happiness or their suffering.

And for me, the 'caring' for my mother was definitely a trauma response. Because she didn't care for us kids the way a parent should have (even before my father died) and as a response, I tried to get her to love me by caring for her. It was completely upside down. And it took me an awful long time to figure out what was wrong with this picture.

So my advice would be to start taking an enourmous amount of care for yourself. Do that for a long long while. And only then, when you're strong enough and have some surplus, start looking to others and their needs or suffering.

[Lakelynn]

I was very attached to them, to the point where I couldn't tell the difference between my own problems and theirs.

You have the awareness now to start the separation process. It is not easy, and the more they were hurt, the more you hurt for them. I am going through this myself at the moment.

The biggest plus I see is that you are able to ask this question. That means you are processing this from your "executive" analytical, logical part of your mind. 

So my advice would be to start taking an enourmous amount of care for yourself.

I think Desert Flower hits this right on target.

[blueteddy]

I can also relate very much blueteddy. When I was young, my father died and all that seemed important at that time was how much my mother was suffering. I was consumed with her suffering. And I never developed any sense of what it was like for me to have lost my dad. I've spent much of my life feeling I was somehow responsible for making my mother happy (which I can't) instead of starting by making myself happy first. I'm now in the process of turning that around.

I am convinced we have nothing to give to another person when we have no compassion for ourselves first. And most of all, I'm not responsible for another person's happiness or their suffering.

And for me, the 'caring' for my mother was definitely a trauma response. Because she didn't care for us kids the way a parent should have (even before my father died) and as a response, I tried to get her to love me by caring for her. It was completely upside down. And it took me an awful long time to figure out what was wrong with this picture.

So my advice would be to start taking an enourmous amount of care for yourself. Do that for a long long while. And only then, when you're strong enough and have some surplus, start looking to others and their needs or suffering.

Hello thank you for taking the time to respond to my post and thank you for sharing your story ^_^

I can relate with what you went through too, my abusive dad was abusive and cheated on my mom a lot and i was the only child that care for her, cry for her, defend her and comfort her despite my abusive siblings calling me exaggerating, crazy, too much, acting and stirring the pot.

I was too much focusing on how my abusive mom felt that i forgot how painful it was as a child that my abusive dad was absent and more focus on his affairs and the child from his affairs.

I was subconsciously trying to make her love me by doing the same thing you do i think.

Thank you so much for the advice. I really appreciate that and i will definitely do that and on the progress now. I am wishing you the best for your process too 

[blueteddy]

I was very attached to them, to the point where I couldn't tell the difference between my own problems and theirs.

You have the awareness now to start the separation process. It is not easy, and the more they were hurt, the more you hurt for them. I am going through this myself at the moment.

The biggest plus I see is that you are able to ask this question. That means you are processing this from your "executive" analytical, logical part of your mind. 

So my advice would be to start taking an enourmous amount of care for yourself.

I think Desert Flower hits this right on target.

Yes i have been slowly starting to separate that..

I wish you the best of luck in that process too.. 

Yes i am trying to do that too at the moment. Slowly but steady 

[Lakelynn]

Thank you blueteddy-all the best to you