Being diagnosed at 52

[Desert Flower]

I wanted to share I feel really strange, like I don't know myself anymore, now that I have this diagnosis of CPTSD and DID. At 52. 

I already wrote in my journal: I've been reading the School of Life, I really like them. And one of the things was I kept blaming myself for was why did it take me soooo infinitely long to finally see what's going on. And SoL explained that we need to have some measure of security in life and some sense of safety before we can start looking at ourselves for real. Survival precedes Awareness. So no need to beat myself up for not seeing it for so long. I was in real distress for so long. And I really am in a better place now.

When actually, I should't have to be so surprised, because I was already diagnosed with these things at 22. (And then the therapy that followed was absolute rubbish. Put that aside for now.) So I knew these things. But for thirty years, I did not want to know about them. I just kept pushing it all away. Drinking and doing drugs and trying not to feel it. Which didn't work of course but anyway. I just didn't want to acknowledge I was 'vulnerable' (I once had a manager who called me that and I hated it, I went out of my way to prove I wasn't).

Could it be that acknowledgement would also bring compassion for myself for everything that happened in the past, and to see how terrible it actually was? And I wasn't ready for that?

I just wanted to be 'normal' so badly (I wanted to be perfect actually). I didn't want to be the one who couldn't do certain things. Be the one with special needs, ugh (speaking for myself here, not trying to shame anyone with special needs). Because, actually I do have special needs. And now, for the first time ever I think, I am starting to take care of my needs, special or not. And that brings relief and some relaxation at times, but at the same time it's so strange to think of myself this way.

And also, looking back, on all these years that I pushed myself over my limits time and time and time again. And now finally understanding the way I felt all those years. And then part of me still thinking it's nonsense, I shouldn't be such a wuss (said that before here, I do remember your responses, but there is this doubt still, like, could this be really true?) It's just so strange to look at myself in this different light. It's like my life story is now making complete sense and at the same time it's completely alien to me. Can anyone relate to this? Does this make sense?

[Blueberry]

Desert Flower, I read but my case is a little different. I wanted to reply tho cuz otherwise you see so many people read, nobody replied.
I'm 54 and have had cptsd as diagnosis for idk maybe 15 years or so and osdd (like DID, but less far along the spectrum) for about 2 yrs. I don't feel strange with it any more though, it's all normal for me. Everybody who knows me, more or less, knows about it in some form.

otoh I'm still far from healed, there's still quite a lot I don't want to know about and don't want to feel into. Alcohol and drugs were never my problem, lucky me, but I still have an eating disorder and SH as trichotillomania, which are both undoubtedly slowing down my healing. So I don't necessarily have a huge head start over you. I've been pushing myself over my limits for years, but I am getting better at not doing so. It's hard tho to admit even to myself how low my limits are. So that's like Part of me not accepting it. Everything is also way complicated when you add OSDD or presumably DID to the mix. Parts functioning, other Parts not...

There are others on the forum who've not got the diagnosis till their 50's or even 60's. You're not alone there.

[Desert Flower]

Thank you Blueberry, very kind of you to respond.
And even though it's not the same, it's a helpful perspective anyhow.
It helps me that you wrote that it is normal for you these days and otoh you're also still learning. We all are, I think.

[Chart]

It's like my life story is now making complete sense and at the same time it's completely alien to me. Can anyone relate to this? Does this make sense?

Absolutely. I realized in August that in many ways my life has just now begun. But oddly I don't find it really alien, I liken it more to excited anticipation (except when I'm in an ef or intensely depressed... which is still often:(.

[Desert Flower]

Thank you again Chart. I do admire how you're able to make something positive out of many things here.
And I'm sorry that despite that, you do feel depressed often. I just want you to know you're a big support to me here and I'm sure to many more of us on the forum.

---------

Another thing is that a couple years back, I thought I was highly sensitive (I may well be) but that didn't turn out to be the answer. So I guess now I'm afraid that this diagnosis won't be it either and that some other thing will come up in the future and I'll just stumble on from one realisation to the next ad infinitum.

[Chart]

Thank you DF, what you wrote about me really touches me and brings me good feelings. I just wanted to point out that you're the same. I went back and reread your initial post and it's full of positivism. You analyze and then speculate on the opposite. You also answer your own questions and forgive yourself. I do much the same and I feel it's the healthiest way to live and continue healing: question stuff, but be kind and understanding as much as possible. So thank you too. Good energy fuels good energy. Something's working.

As for the doubt about diagnoses... I'm VERY confident the buck stops at Developmental Trauma. For me, this isn't a passing fad, it's the real deal and like a crime scene, ALL the evidence points to this being what's tormented me my whole life. It just fits. And I might be inclined to doubt nonetheless were it not for all the reinforcement I get here on the forum. We all relate so well because the fundamental experience is exactly the same for all of us. When I started getting that validation it was like a dead weight lifted off me. It just makes too much sense.

No, there's no easy solution and the healing work is hellish, but I've no doubt anymore what I've got under the hood. And now that I've identified the problem, the work is focused like never before. And it's working. It's been a year of intense conscious suffering, but I'm better than I was and have confidence this path will bring me the love and illumination I set as priorities in the coming days I've been given.

[Blueberry]

As for the doubt about diagnoses... I'm VERY confident the buck stops at Developmental Trauma. For me, this isn't a passing fad, it's the real deal and like a crime scene, ALL the evidence points to this being what's tormented me my whole life. It just fits. And I might be inclined to doubt nonetheless were it not for all the reinforcement I get here on the forum. We all relate so well because the fundamental experience is exactly the same for all of us.

  Absolutely.

A therapist at a weekend retreat suggested to me a long time ago that I might be HSP, instead of having cptsd, and I was so annoyed because cptsd just fits! idk but assuming highly-sensitive might be a symptom including of cptsd and for all I know of other stuff. Not that we cptsd-ers need to have absolutely all possible symptoms, fortunately.

[Desert Flower]

Yes, what you both wrote makes sense. I really appreciate it. And I know it's true for me too.

I thought a little more about why I would still doubt it. And I think it's just another symptom of the same thing actually. It's because I was told so many times by my neglectful m and abuser not to whine, not be a wuss, and stop making a big deal out of things, that I'm just to sensitive, that I shouldn't worry so much etc. etc. that I ended up with this very strong pattern of doubting myself whenever something IS bothering me and when I start to take care of myself. It's these old voices telling me why would I be entitled to anything special, to any care at all?

ALL the evidence points to this being what's tormented me my whole life.

So now, just to be sure and as a reminder to myself, I'm gonna list all the evidence:
- My brother, who pretty much went through the same thing (though not the CSA) corroborates my whole story and is suffering the same (in his own way);
- The things that happened are classic textbook causes of trauma and they actually did happen;
- I was already diagnosed with PTSD and DID at 22, way before anyone had ever heard of HSP;
- Why, if it were only HSP, would I find it so terribly hard to stick up for myself and get my needs met and stop feeling guilty about it if it weren't for the trauma response?
- Everything I read about trauma makes absolute sense to me and gives me such relief, recognition etc. Also here on the forum;
- Why would a therapist be doing EMDR etc. with me if she thought the diagnosis didn't fit?
- A mental coach I had a few years ago said (in response to me saying I was HSP) I wasn't HSP but I was traumatised;
- The physical complaints I had for years and years were completely trauma-related;
- Why would I be dissociating so much if it wasn't for the trauma, dissociation is not an HSP-trait as far as I know;
- It would not be 'normal' for an HSP to be hypervigilant pretty much all the time.

Gotta go now, maybe I'll think of some more later on and add them.

[Chart]

There is a movement in my heart and head where I care for myself more and more and hear less and less the cacophony of ignorance and insensitivity from my half-friends, ex's and specific members of my family. I'm reclaiming my energy and using it to find the soul in me. The Concept of Cptsd got me on that path. The further I go down that road, the more convinced and confident I become.

[Desert Flower]

That is so great Chart!

[Chart]

Thanks DF! I really admire the work and reflection and questioning you're doing. It's inspiring and gives powerful thought energy directed at the goal of improving life and healing. Thank you for being you. 

[Desert Flower]

Thank you Chart, that's very kind

And I found another really strong piece of evidence: My biggest trigger risk is my m, anything she says or does and this is completely unrelated to HSP. So I think I'll quit now with the evidence. It's enough to hold up in court.

[Chart]

 

[Roy Alfred]

Hi Desert Flower... I was 58 when I was diagnosed with PTSD. In the following months I felt some relief to finally have some understanding. From there I began to read at length about PTSD and learned about C-PTSD. I do not have a formal diagnosis for CPTSD, but I fit the mold. With a diagnosis I worked hard not to see it as a label, but an explanation of the impact my childhood has had on my life. With this knowledge I have been able to focus my healing journey and I have some miles to tread still, but I do see some light.

[fozzie55]

Hi Desert Flower
I am a bit like Roy Arnold. I was diagnosed at 50 and everything changed for me.
I was abused by my parents and gaslit by my psychopathic ex-wife, so I saw the weirdness as the price I paid for keeping my sanity.
When I was 50 I was assaulted twice at work and all my coping mechanisms simply did not work anymore. When I was diagnosed with CPTSD and general anxiety disorder all the weirdness I had lived with suddenly made sense.
The last 5 years has been a huge struggle, with as many setbacks as successes
It is an ongoing struggle but we really don't have any choice, life is happening around us and we can only do our best.
You sound much more positive than I do and I applaud you for having the courage to address your fears. I would say keep going, you're doing really well. In fact you have helped me to keep trying to be positive and to just be me.
Thank you.