Signs Your Boundaries Are Being Crossed & How to Respond

[Lakelynn]

From the website: Simple Psychology.org

Signs Your Boundaries Are Being Crossed & How to Respond


Boundaries are the values, rules, and limits in your life and relationships that help you feel healthy and safe. Thus, when another person (accidentally or purposefully) disrespects your boundaries, it can harm your well-being and make you feel unsafe.
A woman uses a large red pencil to draw a line between her and someone else - setting a boundary.

Many people struggle to maintain and protect their boundaries because they don't want to seem selfish or confrontational, and don't want to upset the other person.

But if you want healthy relationships and good mental health, you must communicate what is acceptable and unacceptable. You have to tell people when they've done something you don't like so they can learn how to treat and love you.

When a boundary has been crossed, don't quietly grow resentful and disappointed – speak up. If they keep disrespecting your boundaries, show them how much you care by letting them feel the consequences of their actions.

Let's explore this in more detail.

You can tell if another person disrespects your boundaries if they violate your boundaries repeatedly, make you feel uncomfortable, put pressure on you, or minimize or mock your requests/ needs.

Here are more signs that your boundaries are being crossed:

    Not listening when you say no e.g., You said you don't want to eat right now, but they keep offering you food and telling you to eat.
    Continuing to do something you asked them not to e.g., You asked them not to shout at you, but they keep doing it.
    Breaching your privacy e.g., reading your journal or looking through your phone without permission.
    Touching you when you say you don't want to be touched or when you can't consent to being touched (e.g., when you're asleep).
    Making you feel guilty for asserting yourself e.g., "If you really loved me then you would..."
    Trying to convince you to do something that goes against your morals, beliefs, and values e.g., Trying to convince you to steal for them.
    Emotionally blackmailing you when you implement a boundary or a consequence for crossing your boundary e.g., crying, shouting, or saying something like, "You   clearly don't love me" or "You're always so mean to me."
    Being deceitful e.g., lying, stealing, cheating, etc.
    Telling other people things you told them in confidence.

  Listen to Your Body and Emotions

Often, your body will give you a sign that your boundaries have been crossed. You may experience your heart racing or get a "gut feeling".

Essentially, you experience anxiety because your body and brain are sensing a threat to your well-being, safety, and self.

You might experience emotions like guilt, fear, shame, or sadness which can also indicate that a boundary has been crossed.
What to Do When Someone Crosses Your Boundaries

When someone crosses your boundaries, some sort of action must follow. What that action is depends on what kind of boundary has been crossed, how often it's been crossed, and how you feel.

In any case, you must take ownership of what you will and will not tolerate. We're often too focused on wanting the other person to change but that's a losing game because we don't have any control over other people's actions and words.

Therefore, the focus should be "What can I do to ensure my boundaries, and therefore my well-being and safety, are protected?"

When you're in a relationship, feelings are going to get hurt, and boundaries are going to be crossed – that's normal (to an extent). The important thing is how you deal with these situations when they arise.

No one is perfect or blameless so there should be a balance between having compassion for the mistakes and faults of others while protecting your needs and well-being.

Here's some advice on how to approach a boundary being crossed:

Who Is Responsible?

Although you might not be to blame for your boundary being crossed, you are responsible for holding the boundary-crosser accountable.

People often don't realize they've crossed a boundary, and if they do, they're unlikely to change their behavior voluntarily.

If there's a problem in the relationship, fault is irrelevant if you want the relationship to last. You both have to work towards finding a solution to the problem.

For example, if your partner spends your money carelessly, that might be their doing, but it's up to both of you to solve the issue.

If you don't see a solution and therefore can't see a future with that person, you must still take the initiative and end the relationship. Don't wait around for other people to meet your needs – be assertive in having your needs met.

Proactive vs. Reactive Boundaries

Communicating about boundaries should be done as proactively as possible. Be honest about who you are and what you want and expect from the very beginning. In return, be open and respectful of their boundaries.

But of course, not all boundaries can be proactive, as some will come up when something happens (known as reactive boundaries).

For example, they ask you about the relationship you have with your family, but that's not something you want to talk about. You tell them "I don't like talking about my family, let's talk about something else" and thereby you've reactively set a boundary.

If, a few days later, they ask you the same question, you'll probably feel like they're not respecting your boundaries. In this situation, you can

    Remind them you don't want to talk about your family.
    Explain why you don't want to talk about them e.g., "It brings up difficult feelings for me."
    Tell them it's important for you that they don't ask you again and that you'll explain when you're ready.

Communication

The first thing you need to do when a boundary has been crossed is to communicate that.

For example, "I didn't appreciate it when you made fun of me in front of those people. It made me feel like you don't respect me. Please don't do that again."

In most cases, they will apologize, promise not to do it again, and probably say they didn't realize it came across like that.

If you don't tell them, you're essentially tolerating this behavior and they'll probably do it again.

Some boundaries shouldn't have to be communicated such as treating you with respect and not lying or stealing from you.

But unfortunately, some people need to be reminded of basic moral behavior. If someone is constantly lying, stealing, or disrespecting you, they probably need professional help – and that's not your responsibility.

If you've said it once and they continue to do it, you need to remind them and importantly, tell them what the consequence will be if they do it again.

Consequences

Part of becoming an adult is learning that actions have consequences. You're doing yourself, your relationship, and your partner a disservice if you don't hold them accountable for crossing your boundaries.

Relationships are about growth and that can only happen if you're honest about your boundaries and consistent in implementing them with your words and actions.

The most important part about consequences is that they're not empty threats. If you say you're going to sleep in another room if they drink again, but you don't follow through, they won't learn. You're essentially communicating that your boundaries are negotiable and that you tolerate their behavior.

Examples of consequences include:

    "I love you, but I will no longer bail you out of trouble anymore."
    Leaving the room when they shout at you after you've asked them not to.
    Moving out if they lie/ cheat.
    Leaving the venue or event if they're late again.
    Not letting someone back into your life until they've made the change/gotten help (e.g., for addiction or poor behavior).

Ultimatums

When our boundaries have been crossed, we often give the other person an ultimatum: either you do this, or you suffer the consequences.

Sometimes, ultimatums are necessary if you need to get a very strong message across and your repeated attempts at communicating your boundaries have been unsuccessful.

Having to give someone an ultimatum signals that the other person hasn't respected my boundaries (maybe many times) and that I've not enforced my limits strongly enough so far.

However, they should be used carefully and have a healthy, positive intention rather than to control or punish the other person.

Sometimes, ultimatums are necessary when the relationship doesn't have a strong foundation of boundaries and respectful behavior.

Positive Reinforcement

Though it's important to let people know what you don't like, it's also good to get into a habit of positive reinforcement. That means, you reward someone for "good behavior" i.e., you let someone know when they've done something you do like.

People feel good when they get a compliment and praise, and it encourages them to do it more often.

It shouldn't be condescending (like giving them a gold star) – you're simply expressing your gratitude and joy about the way they treat you.

For example:

"Thank you so much for listening to me."

"I'm so grateful for the way you respect my boundaries."

"I really like how you ask before you borrow my things."
Accept Reality

Some people's boundaries and values are just not compatible. In some cases, it's not because of disrespect but because you have needs and wants that are not aligned.

But sometimes a person will continue to cross your boundaries because they're unboundaried themselves and/or want to control you.

If that's the case, you're better off accepting this reality and letting go of the toxic hope that an abusive, immature, or irresponsible person will change because of you (they can only do that themselves).

It can feel unfair and upsetting but sometimes giving up is the best thing you can do for your health and well-being.

Control vs Boundaries

Control can be financial, physical, emotional, intellectual, or sexual (or a combination of them all).

Sometimes, people dress up control as "their boundaries," but they are two entirely different things. If someone is controlling towards you, they are crossing your boundaries – they don't respect your needs and wishes and force you to give up your autonomy.

Much like in any other form of toxic relationship, the only way to deal with a controlling partner is to set firm and consistent boundaries. If nothing changes, it might be necessary to leave the relationship.

You should:

    Make a firm decision to no longer tolerate control.
    Set a boundary e.g., "If you threaten me again, I will leave the house/move out."
    If they do it again, stay strong and do what you said you were going to do.
    They might argue and complain but don't allow them to talk you out of it or excuse it somehow.
    Your feelings, behaviors, and choices are your responsibility. Their feelings, behaviors, and choices are their responsibility. If they can't respect your boundaries and well-being, you have to take control and do what's best for you (in many cases, that means ending the relationship).

Are You Confusing Boundaries with Control?

Sometimes, in a bid to have our needs met, we might become controlling. If you want to relinquish control and embrace true love and growth, consider the following:
What is the cost of control?

Your partner might comply, but they will lose their trust and love for you and grow resentful and emotionally absent over time.
Can you control another person?

The only person you have control over is you. No matter how much you try, the other person will not change until they are ready to.
Do you like your freedom being taken away?

Relationships are about freedom. You agree to each other's boundaries but remain two separate individuals. How does it make you feel when another person tries to control you?

Control creates distance rather than closeness. When you accept this reality and the fact that you cannot change another person, you make room for closeness and growth.

Are you dependent?

Do you rely on your partner to meet all of your needs? The love, approval, and forgiveness you seek must come from within you and should be spread across the people you know.

It shouldn't be limited to your partner.
Does a difference of opinion feel like an attack on you?

If you overly define yourself by your partner and relationship, it will feel like an attack against you if they disagree or make a different decision.

When you define yourself by your own boundaries, you will realize their feelings and decisions have more to do with them than you.

Note: This article led to me think about proactive and reactive boundaries. I hope it "speaks"to you as it spoke to me.

[dollyvee]

Consequences

Part of becoming an adult is learning that actions have consequences. You're doing yourself, your relationship, and your partner a disservice if you don't hold them accountable for crossing your boundaries.

Relationships are about growth and that can only happen if you're honest about your boundaries and consistent in implementing them with your words and actions.

The most important part about consequences is that they're not empty threats. If you say you're going to sleep in another room if they drink again, but you don't follow through, they won't learn. You're essentially communicating that your boundaries are negotiable and that you tolerate their behavior.

Thanks for posting this Lakelynn. I think it's a good reminder that we do have the capacity to do this, even if it doesn't feel like it after (what seems like) a lifetime of not being able to do so. It is up to me to communicate how I'm feeling to someone after they've done something to offend me, and to recognize that I also have to enforce that, or I would be abandoning myself. I think this is a difficult and necessary part of healing.

With t recently, I can see that I don't feel like I have the right to do this. She asked me how I felt when I told people recently how I thought something worked for me, or should be done, and I felt "bratty" saying that. So, even when I speak up, I'm still passing judgement on myself for doing so. I have more to say about this, but perhaps it's better to journal about it.

[Lakelynn]

when I speak up, I'm still passing judgement on myself for doing so

Yes, it is terrifically difficult to do dollyvee. You are not alone here. The solution is to maybe take small transgressions and practice there. The one thing I've noticed is that this behavior to allow others full rein is thoroughly ingrained. Sometimes even THINKING about asserting ourselves causes a cascade of bad feelings and wanting to hide.

But we're all here to get a grip on living better, so anything you notice deserves a chance for flexing those muscles. 

I certainly don't mind if you post thoughts feelings or comments here. It's up to you.

[dollyvee]

Yes, it is terrifically difficult to do dollyvee. You are not alone here. The solution is to maybe take small transgressions and practice there. The one thing I've noticed is that this behavior to allow others full rein is thoroughly ingrained. Sometimes even THINKING about asserting ourselves causes a cascade of bad feelings and wanting to hide.

 

And sometimes I don't think we're even aware that that's what causing us to hide and it is sort of an ingrained dissociative protective factor

[Lakelynn]

Could not agree more. It is a trick to mindfully investigate and identify what the HECK just happened! I had my own moments yesterday and STILL working on it 

I believe that the intention to "know" allows those securely locked doors in our minds to silently unlock. Then, as we replay and search for meaning, a small shaft of light can glow from within that darkened room. Not always predictably, but I've seen an increased awareness when I approach the "knowing" with an open heart and mind vs the old place of fear and shame.

[Hope67]

Hi Lakelynn,
I really appreciate you sharing all the information in this post, it is really helpful. 
Hope

[dollyvee]

Hi Lakelynn,

I read this, but forgot to respond. I'm sorry you're having those kinds of moments too, and I wholly agree about the intention behind wanting to know. I also think that plays a big part. When I started microdosing, my intention was to see which parts were running the show, and it opened up my eyes (and mind) to a relationship that I never looked at in the past. Viewing it with an open heart, and not fear, may be a trickier one to untangle. I have a feeling that a lot of me "giving up," and letting people cross my boundaries comes from a very young place where there was a lot of fear and that was the easiest thing to do, or what I had to do in order to survive. Becoming conscious of that and slowing down when those feelings come up takes some work.

[SenseOrgan]

Lakelynn,
Thank you for sharing this. It's very clear. The validation in it lowers the hurdle for putting it into practice. I've honestly never realized that setting boundaries is a perfectly normal part of relating to others. It was this incredibly hard thing I never did, unless something really bad had happened.

It's hard to give myself permission for doing something challenging, when a part of me is qualifying that as something outrageous and uniquely negative about me.

Recently I realized that one thing that makes me vulnerable in relating to serial boundary crossers, is that I'm not clear on what my boundaries or values are. I have this vague notion about it, which makes it hard to reference when under interpersonal stress. Clarity is part of the job.

I think it would make it a bit less challenging to set boundaries, when the justification for this particular action is owned beforehand.