Bittersweet nostalgia

[blueteddy]

I am not really sure where to put this, i hope in here is okay.. T__T

I saw a picture of a dark highway with car lights and street lights with beautiful sky and beautiful mountains last night and it took me back to those long drives from my childhood. We used to drive down the highway, and I would watch the world pass by through the window. The sky would be getting dark, and the lights from the cars ahead would start to flicker. The streetlights glowed softly, and there were those big billboards with ads for things I had never even heard of. My parents were there, but it felt like I wasn't. They abused and ignored me the whole trip, and yet, somehow, the world outside the window kept me company.

There was something peaceful about it back then. The road seemed endless, and the scenery was always so beautiful, almost like it was just for me. In those moments, my mind would slip away to its own place, away from the pain. I wasn't happy—I know I wasn't—but I found a sense of calm in the lights, the fading sky, and the quiet of the drive. I always had to find comfort in the smallest things because that's all I had.

I used to feel the same way when I went to the bookstore. It was dark and small, filled with the scent of old books. I loved the way it smelled. I would walk up and down the aisles, trailing my fingers along the spines, pretending I could disappear into one of the stories. Outside, my life was still full of hurt and abuse, but inside, in that bookstore, I could escape for just a little while. It was like the books were my friends when I didn't have anyone else.

And then there was the villa we used to go to on vacation. Even though those vacations were always full of pain, abuse, conflict and neglect, I still found little pieces of peace. The trees, the winding roads, the way the sunlight streamed through the leaves—it felt like I could close my eyes and pretend I was somewhere else, somewhere better, somewhere safe. "Safe". Something i never had before.

But now, I know I don't want to reclaim those memories here. This place, this country—Indonesia—it's too full of pain, abuse, too full of reminders of everything that was ripped away from me. If I ever want to find peace again, I want to do it somewhere new. Somewhere that doesn't carry the weight of all the abuse I've lived through. I want to reclaim those feelings in Canada, with V. There, I can finally feel what it's like to visit a place like that and only have good memories. Maybe I can walk through similar bookstores, drive down highways with the same soft lights, and make new memories, ones that aren't weighed down by the past.

And there was always art. When I was a kid, drawing was the only real escape I had. I would draw for hours, making manga and comics, creating entire worlds that I could disappear into. I was an art kid through and through, and it was the one place where I had complete control. When I drew, it was like I could create a life that wasn't full of pain. I could make characters who were happy, safe, and loved. It was the only way I knew how to survive—to escape to a different world, a world where I wasn't alone, and I wasn't constantly hurt. I miss that feeling, and sometimes I wonder if I could ever get back to that, to that love of drawing. Once I had a safe place to go, like in Canada, I could start drawing again and find my escape once more.

Even as a kid, i would also vent and express my extreme incredibe amount of pain through my art. Whenever i was sad or abused or in pain which is almost everyday, i would draw and write so much. So many scary and gruesome and vile things that kids my age should never drew or had to drew because of my unbearable abuse. And what made me sad the most, thinking about this memory, was that, as a kid, through those drawing, i was mostly blaming myself. My family, my teachers, friends, communtiy they all told me i was a bad kid. I must be a sinner. I must repent. I must stop this. This was all my fault. I would drew myself as a kid, crying. And i would pray and repent to Allah, as a 7 years old who felt like they were a sinner and a reason for all their abuse and about to go to *. I was guilt tripped a lot as a kid. Religion abuse and everything. I have believed i was a sinner up until i graduate highschool. I never like praying 5 times a day and i never do it constantly but the abuse and force and brainwash my family gave me, made me hate myself and always had repent phase where i was extremely religious for a 13 year old.

I would make so many mangas, stories, novles, movie ideas, scripts, anime ideas, 100 different stories of world i would love to live in.

I would make movies with my "friends" back when i was in elemantary school, they also love drawing and we made mangas together. Even though they were not good friends and they both abused and neglected me.

I still want to draw. I still want to write. I still want to create. I still want to direct. I still want to make something powerful and be remembered for it. I still want to be heard. I stil want my story to live even after i die.

[Lakelynn]

I still want to make something powerful and be remembered for it. I still want to be heard. I stil want my story to live even after i die.

Wow blueteddy. Your descriptions bring me right back to long car rides, creating a safe place, discovering art, using words, paint, clay, beads, fabric.

I fully appreciate not wanting to be in the places that you suffered, looking around and seeing all those reminders. Sometimes we can't leave physically. Sometimes we can go short distances away. Sometimes we can find a new home, online.

As a kid, I wrote stories on the floor in a closet. Later, I became a student in Art & Design. Still later, I started a small home business with beads. My country has created a state college system that allows older people to take courses free, if there's room. I spend a lot of time there.

Whatever you're faced with can be somewhat controlled by creating a safe space where creativity thrives. What do you think about potential spaces?

[Dalloway]

Blueteddy, as I was reading your post, I felt those car rides, the dark outside and the feeling of safety that the contrast of the outside and the inside world gave me. Lots of us need these kinds of happy places, real or metaphorical, when the reality of the life is not safe enough. Thank you for reminding me that these places exist -- outside or within us. 
I´m glad you found art to be your shelter and I wish you the best pursuing your goals in this field or in other. 

[Papa Coco]

Blueteddy

Your post is beautiful. I remember many of the same things. The car rides. My dad bought a car with a glass top when I was 8 years old. I used to sit in the back seat and watch the trees pass through that glass. The clouds. In rain I'd follow the trails the raindrops would make as the wind pushed them backward over my head. It was peaceful. I grew up loving cars because they were the only place I really felt safe.

And art. The expression of art. So wonderful. The crayons and paints allow you to show the world who you are inside.

Sadly, for me, my art got me into trouble. My family didn't like me expressing what I saw, so to protect myself from being scorned, my art became rigid, cold and stale without feeling. So, I don't paint or draw anymore. But I LOVE reading your posts that your art gave you the peace it gave you. I feel that joy and freedom to express vicariously through your writing. Thank you for that feeling.

I very much like what you wrote. I resonate with a lot of it. I live in the US. and I do have a short walk to an ocean beach where I often feel safe. I hope you find your way to a safe place again. Canada or wherever you desire. I know how difficult it is to feel the wonder of the world when we are not in a place that feels safe.

[blueteddy]

Wow blueteddy. Your descriptions bring me right back to long car rides, creating a safe place, discovering art, using words, paint, clay, beads, fabric.

Hello Lakelynn, I am very happy to hear that my descriptions were able to bring you back to those long car rides, creation of safe space, discovering art, using words, paint, clay, beads and fabric 💗

I fully appreciate not wanting to be in the places that you suffered, looking around and seeing all those reminders. Sometimes we can't leave physically. Sometimes we can go short distances away. Sometimes we can find a new home, online.

Thank you. We can go short distances away, definitely. I hate being at home. This home brings me too much pain and daily abuse. But at the same time it brings me comfort because this home was all that i ever had. So it helps me a lot whenever i walk outside or went outside, especially to places where i could be happy and safe and be in peace without being reminded or surrounded by abusers and my environment. I will find new home soon. I believe that 💗

As a kid, I wrote stories on the floor in a closet. Later, I became a student in Art & Design. Still later, I started a small home business with beads. My country has created a state college system that allows older people to take courses free, if there's room. I spend a lot of time there.

Wow i love that! that's amazing! i also love to wrote stories on the floor but mostly in living room, i used to spend a lot of time there as a kid because i don't have my own room. It must be nice to study your passion! i always want to study art myself, if only i hadn't stopped drawing at the age of 13. If only my dream and art weren't ripped apart from me by my family, teachers, classmates, seniors, and everybody around me 💔. That's amazing about your home business with beads! and i love that you spend a lot of time in those courses! are those art courses too?

Whatever you're faced with can be somewhat controlled by creating a safe space where creativity thrives. What do you think about potential spaces?

It's incredibly hard for me now to create a safe space like that anymore. The situation is too complex on my end. My home is too cramped and every spaces are already taken by my abusive family members. I share room with 2 people who never given me privacy. I want to start writing or drawing again. But it's extremely difficult in this situation, especially doing it on my own without any push or motivation from anyone around. Back in elementary school, i had 2 "friends" that create creativity with me through mangas and movies. It helped to motivate me to consistently do that. I lost them in middle school. I stopped drawing ever since i was in grade 8 (I graduate from University recently). People ripped art away from me. I missed drawing and writing again. But now i have grown very self critical and harsh on myself. I found every little imperfection in my creation and i hate that. Maybe in the future i will meet the right people who would love to draw and write with me to motivate each other. But for now, the most i can do for safe space.. is i guess writing my feelings and opening up to people and finding ways to survive everyday. I am not sure if that's creative. But that's all i have for now.

[blueteddy]

Blueteddy, as I was reading your post, I felt those car rides, the dark outside and the feeling of safety that the contrast of the outside and the inside world gave me.

Hey Dalloway, I am very happy to know that my writing can bring back those feelings for you  💗

Lots of us need these kinds of happy places, real or metaphorical, when the reality of the life is not safe enough. Thank you for reminding me that these places exist -- outside or within us. 

Yes we do! A lot of us who were forced to carry too much on their shoulder, on their plate, deserve to have these places that we can escape to, to give us a sense of peace and safety 💝
Hey thank you for sharing that with me! i appreciate that. And you're welcome 💓

I´m glad you found art to be your shelter and I wish you the best pursuing your goals in this field or in other. 

Thank you so much for saying that! art was definitely a very comforting shelter for me back then. I missed it and i want to go back to it. But not now, soon, i know i will go back to it. And all the beautiful calming nostalgia feelings will come back to me. All the childlike wonder and childlike fantasy that was ripped apart from me 💟
Hey thank you so much for the nice wishes! i wish the same for you! you deserve it too! 

[blueteddy]

Your post is beautiful.

Thank you so much for saying that!!  💗💓

I remember many of the same things. The car rides. My dad bought a car with a glass top when I was 8 years old. I used to sit in the back seat and watch the trees pass through that glass. The clouds. In rain I'd follow the trails the raindrops would make as the wind pushed them backward over my head. It was peaceful. I grew up loving cars because they were the only place I really felt safe.

That sounds really beautiful and amazing! thank you for sharing that with us! I can see why you grew up loving cars knowing it was the only place you really felt safe! and i'm glad you have that! 💝

And art. The expression of art. So wonderful. The crayons and paints allow you to show the world who you are inside.

It really is! so many colors, so many shapes, so many figures, so many words, so many expression you can share to the world or even just to yourself ❤🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤

Sadly, for me, my art got me into trouble. My family didn't like me expressing what I saw

That is extremely cruel and unfair! you didn't deserve any of that! i am so mad of parents and people who gave children or people trouble for expressing themselves through art!
My art got me into trouble a lot of time too since i was a kid, one of the reason why i stopped drawing at grade 8. I was constantly scolded and abused by my family, teachers, classmates, seniors and everyone around me for my love for art. They would go as far as stealing, ripping, destroying my art, my sketchbooks, my comics, anything about art, anything that i held dear close to me. They ripped and destroyed out of me 💔

so to protect myself from being scorned, my art became rigid, cold and stale without feeling

I'm so sorry that you had to do that to protect yourself, you had to take away the essence of your self expression because of immature abusive adults who project their misery onto kids 💔

But I LOVE reading your posts that your art gave you the peace it gave you.

Hey thank you so much! i really appreciate that. Seeing your response and the others being happy that art was able to gave me the peace i needed, really feel like a refreshing breeze to my hair, a smile, and a possibility to feel those feelings again 💕

I feel that joy and freedom to express vicariously through your writing.

I'm so happy to hear that my writing able to gave such feelings for you and the others!! this makes me feel really hopeful and happy and make me feel like shining again 🎇🎇

Thank you for that feeling.

You're welcome! thank you for sharing to me that it gave you those feelings! it really means a lot to me that my writing able to gave those feelings to others too! 💗

I resonate with a lot of it. I live in the US. and I do have a short walk to an ocean beach where I often feel safe.

I'm really happy to hear that! I am so happy you have that short walk and that ocean beach where you often feel safe! even through your words i feel that i can imagine how peaceful, calming and safe that feeling is 💝

I hope you find your way to a safe place again. Canada or wherever you desire. I know how difficult it is to feel the wonder of the world when we are not in a place that feels safe.

Hey thank you so much for the nice wishes! I know i will find that safe place soon! i am working hard everyday to find that place and every day, every minute i spent working hard and pushing myself and surviving and opening up, are steps closer to that safe place 💝💝

Thank you for understanding how difficult it can be to feel the wonder of the world when we are not in a safe place. It is definitely so, so difficult. And i just wanna feel those wonder again 💔 that possibility of a fixed star 🎇 but i know soon it will come for me. I know because i will make it happen 🌈💗