General Support Thread CSA Recovery

[Armee]

Hi building off of Dragon Dancer's thread I thought maybe we could have a general CSA support thread going?

[Armee]

I'll start off. I've had several protective layers fall back recently, allowing me to get closer to some of the memories. Some are pretty bad. But I'm also getting closer to that part of me. It's a 5 year old. She will not let me get very close or to see her. She hides in the closet with a dress covering her head and face. But before I couldn't get anywhere near as dissociation denial and other things would pop up to distract. Gosh even a part that stabs me in the foot or eye if I start to think about it.

But some sad things I wanted to note here:

1. I remember the 5 year old creating a new part. She experienced it once and then decided she was too little to deal with it and the perpetrator needed someone bigger than her so she created an 8 year old part. That 8 year old part stays curled up in the bottom of an empty bathtub. My feet are stabbing right now writing this. I often find myself passed out in the bottom of the tub now. I take a long bath and when it is time to get out I drain the water but stay in the cold empty tub for an hour or more. Now I understand why I do this.

2. After the 5 year old created this 8 year old part to deal with the abuse she also created a denial part that it didn't happen to her.

3. During therapy this weekend I was communicating with this 5 year old part and something she said to me broke my 46 year old heart to little bits. That it was her fault it happened because she went to sleep (i.e. went to the place where it happens). There were times I just couldn't stay with what was being shared. A 5 year old is a very little body. I can't quite fathom. But T helped me stay connected with that part anyway by prompting me to communicate with the part that even as a 46 year old it's so much to handle and she had to handle it as a 5 yr old kid and how well she did and did what she needed to then to survive. It's things like that...why I think it's so helpful to be with a supportive therapist while tackling this stuff. Otherwise, I just get lost in it.

I don't know if that is helpful to read but if it helps others to write what they are going thru now with regard to CSA please do use this thread for that, without worrying about responding to others unless you want and are able to and find it helpful for your process.

[Papa Coco]

Armee,

       

The work you're doing with those sweet little parts is inspiring. Thank you for sharing these insights. I agree totally with you that it's really good to have a qualified therapist to help work through this.

I can access my parts when I'm alone, but I don't process them as well as my T does. Often, I ask them to stay with me for a few days so we can talk together with our friend the Therapist.

I'm so happy to hear of the movement you're making with this.

[Armee]

Thanks Papa C. That's the same as with me. I access the memories and flashbacks alone, not with T, but I can usually only connect with the part with his guidance, often with him speaking directly to that part while I listen. That's a really really good idea to ask the part to stay and hang with you until you can talk with your T. Super good idea. I'll try that.

[Mathilde]

I cannot say much now because it comes so close. But I read this, thank you for sharing this. And lots of support in dealing with this.

[Kizzie]

But T helped me stay connected with that part anyway by prompting me to communicate with the part that even as a 46 year old it's so much to handle and she had to handle it as a 5 yr old kid and how well she did and did what she needed to then to survive. It's things like that...why I think it's so helpful to be with a supportive therapist while tackling this stuff.

I am so glad you have a good T who can help you unlock and look at this abuse Armee.  And tks for starting this thread.  I hope it encourages others to share (slowly) their abuse but with the help of a T as you suggest. It's our adult part facing the abuse but the child part too, a double whammy if you will so a kind and caring T to guide and support is really important as you say.

Very brave of little you and adult you to face your abuse   

[SteveM]

Hi,

Trigger Warnings

I haven't posted in a bit nor been on the forum much, I hope it's ok to share a bit. It's so good to read the different ways we access memories, it's comforting to me that other people in the world are dealing with their trauma and I'm not alone, I'm not alone anymore fighting against adults that only saw me as an object for their use.

My very first flashback was when I was 38, in a week long retreat with 10 others and 2 highly trained therapists. My first trauma memory was not of CSA but physical trauma inflicted on me by my father using a belt.  The sound of a belt being aggressively pulled through the belt loops was a method they used to help me access, and I then knew what was coming.

Sounds and smells have triggered memories and flashbacks over the years. I'm now 74 so that was 36 years ago and I still do regular work in group settings to access that terrified little one and free him from that dark energy trapped in my cells.

I have been blessed to have found many survivors of CSA over these last number of years. We help and support each other the best we can as we are able. I'm a firm believer of mining the trauma with safe people and therapists as my body and soul will allow it.

Kinda rambling here, that said , it's important for me to continue to edify my experience lest I drift into denial and that old tape of" this stuff is to bizarre to have happened I must be making it up". NOT. It did happen, my body doesn't lie.

Thanks for listening.

[Hope67]

Hi Steve M,
I also find it good to read the different ways we access memories, it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. 

I read what you wrote, and am glad you are writing about your experience - and I wanted to send you a hug of support, if that's ok.   

Hope

[SteveM]

Hi Hope,
Hugs are definitely ok, thanks and here's one back to you!
Steve

[Blueberry]

A couple of days ago I was offered the opportunity to watch one of those freebie healing conferences I sometimes watch. This was the final replay of something aimed at trauma therapists who have clients with sexual trauma. Talk by Diane Pool Heller, I think her name is.

90 minutes long. I messed up with the time zones and only went on for the final 30 minutes. That turned out providential because one sentence did me in: DPH and whoever she was discussing with mentioned the sexual energy that is aroused through CSA in young children and they have no idea what to do with this energy. Did me in. I know that energy so well. The youngest I remember it starting I was 8 yo, tho the CSA started long before actually. I ache for 8yo me who had to find a way to reduce the energy, by releasing it in secret, or trying to.

I'm not working on this currently in therapy. Not something my current therapist is qualified to work with, but he is very good at working with me on those problems with my hands and machines, gadgets, computers which normal trauma therapists aren't. And these are very difficult yet important topics.
Anyway reading what kind of work your T is doing with you on CSA healing, Armee, I think I might not be far enough long. I mean, this minute almost logical comment of DPH's up above and it almost does me in!

Sorry for long rambling post, couldn't write more succinctly.

[Gently]

I don't know if that is helpful to read but if it helps others to write what they are going thru now with regard to CSA please do use this thread for that, without worrying about responding to others unless you want and are able to and find it helpful for your process.

Armee, as I read your post, my heart just filled with love and tenderness for the young girl in the bathtub.

While I don't have access to clear memories, I have young girl parts that felt so strongly that they can understand the feelings you shared.

Thank you for sharing.