Toxic Positivity

[dollyvee]

In a session with my t a few weeks ago, I felt like I was supposed to be "positive" in an exercise she was having me do, and unbeknowst to me, parts weren't on board. I felt like it was such a thing to have to be a certain way (bee positive!) all the time, that I didn't really realize when I didn't want to do something. For me, I was told not to be angry. The message was not to be difficult, not to feel these things that might be difficult for other people to handle. So, I suppressed them, and I think as a result, came to believe that I was the problem, and that feeling these things was/is the problem.

On another level, it's not like these things are really conscious ie I don't know that I don't want to feel something, or do something. I think, like with t's exercise, that I try to go along with it, thinking that I must do it, and that other people "know better" than me. So, when t asked me to feel into the space and to see if I could hold onto a "good" feeling, it felt like another instance of denying the things I wasn't supposed to feel, and therefore denying "me" again. However, it wasn't like it just popped up and said, I don't want to do this.

So, I feel like this article is a good summary of dealing with those things and a reminder that we don't have to be "perfect," and feeling difficult emotions are a part of life, even if we don't realize that's what we're doing.

Untangling Emotions: Toxic Positivity, Self-Care, & Shame
https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/03/04/untangling-emotions-toxic-positivity-self-care-shame/

[Kizzie]

For me, I was told not to be angry. The message was not to be difficult, not to feel these things that might be difficult for other people to handle. So, I suppressed them, and I think as a result, came to believe that I was the problem, and that feeling these things was/is the problem.

I do think much of what we have to say is difficult for others to handle and unless/until we know someone can manage what we are saying, we probably don't want to share because it will likely result in toxic positivity. I personally think that at the moment many T's just don't get how bad things are/were for us and how deeply affected we are. Certainly not T's who use CBT where the feeling for me at least was that I wasn't doing it right. Piffle!

I wish there were more spaces we could be honest and authentic but right now with little understanding/acceptance of CPTSD, even in professional communities, we need to talk with other survivors so we do learn we can and I'm going to say should be ourselves. We see that the sky does not fall if we are honest about what we are feeling in groups like this (and with some T's). It's where we have to start and I do think (hope?) over time there will be more people/ professionals who understand exactly how traumatic our lives have been/are. But yah, that toxic positivity biz has got to go 

[Dalloway]

Thank your for this topic, Dollyvee. I ditto what you and Kizzie mentioned, I also perceive CPTSD as something that is still not really understood and accepted, not even in the field of mental health. And what I experienced amongst "regular" people (non-professionals), is that most of them perceive these kinds of things as something uncomfortable or they feel like they should give some advice when we are talking about our experiences. One of the hardest things for me is getting people to understand that when I´m sharing something with them, I don´t necessarily want advice from them. So that´s, I think, very widespread in our culture, the urge of fixing everything immediately and the demonization of the negative emotions.

The article you linked was very interesting. I really liked this part, it´s so well written, so simple, yet so complex, that it gave me an aha-moment.

Then again, if we don't look on this "bright side" and we instead sit in the emotions that maybe aren't pretty, we are told (or it is implied) that we are doing things "wrong," that we are not doing things well enough, not trying hard enough, or that we are in "victim" mentality. (A question I ask clients a lot is, what if it's not "victim" thoughts or behaviors, but grief?)

Not victim-thoughts, but grief. Just wow. So thanks again, I think this is a very important topic to talk about. 

[Desert Flower]

This article brings up a lot of hurt for me, because it is so relatable. I was never allowed to have or show any negative feelings and that's how I ended up here. Toxic positivity for me sits right next to Invalidation and I hate it thoroughly.

Not victim-thoughts, but grief.

Spot on. That's recognition. Thank you.

"A façade of positivity is the mask people wear when disconnected from emotions",  is sadly what I wore for so many years and what was now (again) diagnosed as part of DID. No more of that.

Saying that "individuals are responsible for their unhappiness (anger, grief, etc.) and are doing something wrong if they are feeling that way" is exactly what my abuser and my neglectful m and many others did and it made me feel like I was crazy, which I definitely was not..

"Pressure to just get over it". When I was stupid enough (only one time) to tell my neglectful m of the abuse I had suffered, she said: "But it's over now, isn't it?" And that was pressure to get over it. It wasn't over then, and it isn't now.

I think, on the Path of Healing, we may end up with positive feelings, but ONLY after the negative ones have been worked through thoroughly and have been allowed to be there after being pushed away all these years. Pushing them away is what made me sick.

So we may feel that we are not crazy. We are completely normal to be feeling ALL these feelings. Too bad if people don't like it. (Or lucky for them they don't understand.)

[dollyvee]

I want to clarify that my t wasn't asking me to be positive, or look on the bright side etc. It was just about feeling into the space of an emotion that was more on an authentic/agency side but to me, I felt like I had to focus on the "positive," and I became aware of how deeply that went. "No one wants to hear you being negative" is a belief I think I have, and then I get frustrated at work for example when I am presenting something realistically and people don't listen.

I also agree with you Dalloway that sometimes when we talk about this stuff people immediately jump onto let me help you fix it when you just want space to air what you're feeling. I have been on the receiving end of this and I have done the same thing at times, which I guess is also about making space and processing my own negative emotions. So, perhaps if I was allowed to have my own negative emotions, I wouldn't feel overwhelmed when others discussed theirs and/or felt the need to fix it (which I think is also a result of having to take on my gm's, m's, and gf's feelings for a long time and that was overwhelming. Of course I wanted to fix it so I wouldn't have to deal with it). I'm diving into a different topic I think, but it also seems like they're intertwined.