Horror of finding old file

[Desert Flower]

-Trigger warning-

I was not expecting this. And I was not ready. I was looking for something totally different, a photo of our youngest in his first school year, totally sweet. And then I bumped into these old files! It's horrible, I feel disgusted, upset, anxious, dizzy, I don't know what. It's freaking me out completely. I have trouble sitting still and writing this but I have to! And now I can't put it away again. I had planned on looking at it when I was ready, to do this on purpose some time. This is some kind of sign it feels. O dear o dear o dear (this is to hide all the swear words we cannot use here).
It's a small file I kept of some past years about the sexual and psychological abuse I suffered. Here's what's in it:

- Some ME TOO stuff from the papers in 2017;
- An article of a celebrity that I liked talking about the abuse she suffered, titled 'If you're into black guys, you've got a problem'. Oh dear lord. Here comes this part again.
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=16282.0;
- My psych case file from 1993. Where it says that I had improved so much in therapy. I really don't know what the * they're talking about. They're out of they're minds and they're clueless is all I can say. It's too much rubbish to look at;
- A part of an email conversation I had with my abuser in 2002 which is good I kept actually, because in it I accused him and he completely gaslit me again and turned the whole thing around again. It's evidence in case I was still looking (I was not!);
- And a poem I wrote some time:

---------------------------

Blame someone else day
Blame you

I blame you for [too graphic] when I really didn't want to

I blame you for telling me I looked like * over and over when I looked fine

I blame you for putting your knuckles in my back to make me walk up straight, when you were the reason I didn't walk up straight

I blame you for your silly look and for the years of therapy you put me trough

I blame you for never letting me touch your hair that I can still smell

------------------------------

I had totally forgotten about this. This is just too horrible to deal with. Lord please help me.

[Desert Flower]

Okay, this is an EF. I know it it. I'll turn to my list of helpful things. I'll manage. I know it will pass.

[Desert Flower]

Okay. I'm here. I'm all right. I managed.

So this was my old me bringing me a message apparently.

What I did was: I felt my way through this EF. Because I didn't wanna be not handling this again. So I thought of what to do and that is to quit with the thinking and FEEL instead.
I felt my heart pounding fast, my breathing, sitting on my bum, I felt my skin. I felt alive.
So I felt a rush of Engergy and Anger and Vengefulness. And I felt like I was ready to destroy him and the world with that.
And that softened into: Feeling grandiose, big, huge and here.
And then that softened into: Feeling here. Now. Here. Calming down. Looking at my surroundings. Hearing the kids in the background.
I am safe.
This is ink on paper now. He's not here. He cannot hurt me.
I am an adult. I got skills. I am loved here. I am alright.

Sorry to be dragging you into this. I just wanted to get it in writing.

[rainydiary]

I am thinking of you. 

[Desert Flower]

Thank you Rainy. I'm okay now.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Rainy. I'm okay now.

I am glad that you are feeling okay.  That is a hard thing to have happen and can be so intense.

[Phoebes]

Hi Desert Flower. I understand totally. I recently found some file of a journal I had written and even shared with my sister. It wreaked of self-blame, religious speak and impossible expectations of myself. I'm embarrassed with myself but I remember how real it felt at the time, it's right before I had a nervous breakdown and quit my job suddenly.

It's totally ok. It happened. It's not who you are, and perhaps, at least in may case, I was really having a flashback, trauma response and unable to connect with myself. It could have come out in a number of ways.. please be easy on yourself. You deserve grace and kindness.   

[Desert Flower]

Thank you too Phoebes, that's very kind of you. And a hug.

[Chart]

Glad to read you worked effectively through it DF!
 

[Desert Flower]

I do feel quite crappy today. Had a rough night, which was to be expected too.

Just a few letters on paper made me realise again that these patterns are very deeply ingrained in my brain/CNS. And the pain I didn't wanna feel was so sharp, it scared me actually. And the strategies I developed back then to keep on going may not be adequate anymore, but they certainly were necessary then. I'm not doing all this work for no reason. Yesterday was a reminder to keep going. And to be very very gentle with myself at that.

[Chart]

 

[NarcKiddo]

Thinking of you. Finding old stuff can be very traumatic and I am sorry you found it when you were not ready to. Although maybe you were more ready than you think, since it seems like you have navigated this very well.

 

[Desert Flower]

Thank you too NarcKiddo, I think you may be right.