deep unbearable wound from past partnership

[blueteddy]

Context: V was my former long distance partner. They have DID. They haven't been fronting ever since the day of our post-break up.

Today, I stumbled upon V's birthday coming up in the couple app, and it sent me spiraling into a flood of memories I've been trying to bury. This time last year, we had just started talking. I remember when their chosen family came to take them to a sushi place to celebrate, and I was left sitting with this heavy ache in my chest. I've never had anything like that—no special birthday celebrations, no group of people to take me out and make me feel valued. Instead, I've always been on the outside, looking in. It made me feel so deeply envious and so small.

But of course, I swallowed those feelings like I always do. I've been conditioned to believe that my emotions are always "too much," that expressing them would just push people away. Even with V, it felt like my feelings didn't have room to exist. Sometimes, they'd listen, but often my emotions were brushed aside, invalidated, like they weren't worth the space they occupied. I felt like I was asking for too much when really, I was just asking to be understood.

One memory that hurts the most is the day we broke up. The words still ring in my ears like they were said yesterday. V told me I was number four on their list of priorities. They said they had to take care of themselves first—fair enough, I understand that—but then came their kids, their mother, and only then...me. I was the fourth. It was like being stabbed in the heart because I'd always tried to make them my number one priority. I knew their mother had an accident and severe arthritis, but hearing her placed above me—especially when she's still pretty much a fully functional adult—felt like another layer of rejection. It was like no matter how hard I tried, I would always be an afterthought, a shadow in the background of their life. Waiting on the sideline until everyone else are taken care of and prioritized while i cried desperately trying to treat my own wounds and when it is my turn to be prioritized, it will already be too late anyway.

I remember the crushing weight of that conversation. There was no comfort, no gentleness in their words. They didn't try to soothe the hurt I felt, didn't offer any softness. Instead, they gave me the cold, logical truth and expected me to deal with it. They told me I was strong enough to handle things on my own, that they believed in me. I could make their own choices they said. But believing in me didn't help. I didn't need belief; I needed compassion, someone to hold me through the pain, not push me further into it. I was left feeling neglected all over again, the same wound reopening over and over.

The thing that haunts me is how much I suppressed to make things work. I constantly put V's needs above mine, always bending, always accommodating, and they never seemed to notice. It was one-sided, like I was pouring everything into a bottomless pit, never getting anything back. They were content in our relationship, but I was drowning in loneliness, neglect, unfulfillment and hurt. They didn't see that. How could they not see that?

I tried to be vulnerable with them, to open up about my needs. I told them how much I craved unlimited affection, how I longed for a caregiver. Instead of holding space for my pain, they shut me down. I got lectures about how they had to divide their affection between me and their kids. I understood that in theory, but it didn't take away the sting. I wanted to feel important, to be shown that I mattered, and instead, I was made to feel guilty for even expressing myself. It felt so unfair, so dismissive of everything I was going through.

I keep going back to their birthday last year when we first started talking. I spent effort despite unbearable physical and emotional and mental pain creating a special gift for them. I colored a picture of a cat. It was my way of showing them I cared, but their response felt so hollow. They didn't give me the appreciation I needed, and I was left feeling like my effort didn't mean anything. Even when we were together as partner, I never truly felt loved by them. It was like I was always invisible, just another part of their life they could push aside whenever it suited them.

The worst part is how much I internalized it. I started to believe that I wasn't worth more, that I didn't deserve the kind of love I was craving. And every time I tried to voice that, V would get upset. They'd turn it back on me, saying it hurt them to think I believed they didn't love me. But how could I feel loved when my needs were constantly unmet, when I was left alone in my pain? My feelings were always valid, but they made me feel like they weren't. It was suffocating.

I'm scared of the future, of getting back with V. I'm terrified that nothing will change, that I'll end up hurt all over again. I can't go through that pain again. I don't deserve it. I deserve to be seen, to be heard, to be loved in a way that heals me, not breaks me further. I know V was hurting too, but I was in so much more pain, and I can't keep being the one who suffers more. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one losing in the partnership.

I can't change anybody but the way V was in our partnership was the reason i am severely damaged and wounded in the ways i should never tolerate or deserve especially by someone i love more than anything. If V ever want to change it should come from within them if they want to be a better person. One thing for sure the way they were during our partnership, hurting me to pieces and i  never ever deserve that.

And honestly, idk if i can ever forgive them for that. The damage they have caused is far too deep. I don't know how to heal it and i can't heal it on my own and i don't know if they ever come back and want to make things right idk how they can fix it.  It feels like there should come great effort and sacrifice if they ever want to make it right again. And i don't want to help them figure out how to fix it again. I've done way too much of that, too much of figuring things out for our partnership, finding solutions, bringing up the difficult conversation, solving problems.. it was always me who did most of the emotional labor.. and somehow they were the one who felt like that their values/boundaries were crossed? by what i need? they were scared they will ended up as the partner who take care and work hard in the end? AND I OVERLY-RATIONALIZE THAT! I COMFORT THEM LIKE A * IDIOT!!! I REPRESSED MY FEELINGS!!! I PRIORITIZE THEM!! I GASLIGHTED MYSELF!!! WHAT ABOUT ME?? WHAT ABOUT ME TOO??? I-I-I-I WAS HURTING TOO MUCH.. WHY WASN'T I MATTER AS MUCH?.

I am dying. Its all too much. I think one of the biggest mistakes of V in our partnership is thinking giving me compassion and comfort and affection and gentleness when i am being vulnerable sharing my struggles would be coddling me in a way that will not help me grow. Little do they know, giving me tough love and sternness and harshness are ways to damage me to my core just like what my abusers did. Not saying V is an abuser or abusing me. But my whole life i have been faced with severe sternness and harshness long even before i was 4 years old. All i want was to be treated with gentle love, gentle comfort, coddle, safety, softness. I didn't deserve anymore sternness and harshness even for the sake of my "growth" bcs truly the damage is far way worse than the growth. And what i still hate the most and regret and disappointed with myself was how much i forced myself to overly rationalized what V done, gaslighted myself, repressed my feelings, telling them i understand why they did that even though it hurts me. Thinking that I DESERVE it.. i never ever deserve such cruelty.. not once.. especially not from someone i love more than anything...

And what's * up is that, in our partnership V was supposed to be the one who take care of me more than me. I was supposed to be a kid that is taken care of by them. And before that we also were trying to have a CGLRE relationship. And even though it didn't work in the end, throughout our partnership it was V that supposed to take care of me more. But the truth is, the reality, I was the one who take care of them more, the whole partnership. I was given burden, I was carrying the weight of the responsibilities, the problems, and the burden in our partnership more than any kid should ever done. Especially an abused, chronically ill, untreated, and just dying kid.

I can't change anybody but the way V was in our partnership was the reason i am severely damaged and wounded in the ways i should never tolerate or deserve especially by someone i love more than anything. If V ever want to change it should come from within them if they want to be a better person. One thing for sure the way they were during our partnership, hurting me to pieces and i never ever deserve that.

And honestly, idk if i can ever forgive them for that. The damage they have caused is far too deep. I don't know how to heal it and i can't heal it on my own and i don't know if they ever come back and want to make things right idk how they can fix it. It feels like there should come great effort and sacrifice if they ever want to make it right again.

I'm just completely destroyed and the idea of V never came back or fused into a new alter. Meaning that... I don't know. I will have to heal it all on my own. Such severe damage, I'm lost. I don't know how I can live with this. Honestly, I truly don't know how I'm going to survive, move on, when on my own to survive this. This is all just too much and I'm scared that I won't make it out alive.

But I am truly... I don't know anymore. I don't know what to do, and I don't know how I'm going to survive this, and... I'm scared, and... I don't know anymore.

But the main problem is, the main problem is that why do I have to survive this? Why do I have to be strong? Why do I have to continue to suffer and push through? When will I ever given a rest, a win, a freedom, a love? Something that I truly deserve? When? When, when, when, and how, and why? Why nobody answer me? Why nobody give me answer? Why nobody help me? Why nobody save me? Why am I forced to deal with all of this on my own when I'm just such a little kid who is pretty much chronically ill and very much fragile, and broken, and damaged, and untreated?

Why do I have to be strong in the first place? I don't want to. To me, strength is not something that I feel proud of. It's a result of never having the protection or the help or the support that I desperately need.