Saying hello - a strange kind of milestone

Sanctuary · October 17, 2024, 10:48:36 AM

Hi,

It's hard to think where to start. There's been quite a jumble of thoughts and feelings leading up to this, as I imagine everyone who's introduced themselves here can relate to.

Childhood is probably a sensible place to start. So, I grew up in a household with a violent father. As far as I'm aware, he was never violent with me in that way but he was with my mother, brothers and sister, and there was a constant sense of terror that at any moment his anger might erupt and someone I cared about deeply might get beaten up, and I was powerless to stop him. My mother in particular suffered hugely and part of her response was something that I've seen in the OOTS guidelines we're only supposed to refer to in a particular forum, so perhaps I can just say for now that it left me with an extreme fear of being abandoned forever and left with a monster.

For most of my life, I've been left with what felt like a background sense of dread, and a very anxious, perfectionist, people-pleasing, conflict-avoiding type of personality. I sort of accepted it as something I was just randomly stuck with until one time at work when I'd been very upset for a long time about being in a situation where I felt more was being asked of me than I could do. As a result, I imagined I was worthless and something terrible would happen to me and/or people around me. A colleague recommended her therapist and, 7 years on, I'm still in therapy sessions and it's been such a roller coaster.

So much fear has come up and massive emotional dysregulation in response to things that I know my adult self would be able to handle, but which trigger young parts of me. Flashbacks and getting triggered by things around me, with impacts that can stop me from feeling based in the present and being able to function for everyday tasks, lasting hours, days or weeks. Yearning to be hugged, held and to feel safe felt like an addiction always pulling on my mind but most days, with no one around who I could ask for this.

The therapy has helped a lot so that (most days) I'm at last able to feel that I have self-worth and that I'm safe now, and I'm able to have some boundaries, all of which has been life-changing. Over the last few years of therapy though, other, more deeply buried stuff has been starting to come up, and a whole new struggle.

Part of me had wondered, since my father went to prison for a while about 12 years ago for possession of huge amounts of child pornography covering all levels of severity, whether he'd done anything to me and, although I have no specific, full memories of this, I've been having really horrible flashbacks, sometimes in nightmares, sometimes in therapy sessions and sometimes in everyday life situations, where my whole body suddenly reacts as if I'm a child being sexually abused right now. There are overwhelming feelings of panic, of things being done to me and not being able to get away, and sometimes this is followed by dissociation and shutting down, feeling like I'm leaving my body and the room.

This kind of thing has happened a couple of times over the last week, leaving me feeling so exhausted and scared of what's in my head, and with my brain not able to function for even simple work tasks or decisions. I've ended up taking sick leave and spending time in bed with a hot water bottle to try to feel safe.

With dad's violence, part of what made it so frightening was that it seemed out of the blue and uncontrolled, but with the other abuse it was pre-meditated and there are fragmented memories of his sense of enjoyment, so it all feels so much darker and more messed up.

I keep reminding myself that my father's abuse and my mother's lack of protection do not mean I'm a bad person, and that the fact that I'm still so damaged by it all four decades later does not mean I'm weak. I keep telling myself that it's the stuff that happened to me and around me that was bad, and that all of the impacts on me back then and since then are entirely natural, and even though I have phases of being stuck in bed hiding from the world, I'm actually strong to be facing all of this and sticking with the therapy. I know it's a positive sign of how far I've come, that more and more disturbing, deeply buried stuff is coming up now - a sign that my psyche (apparently, although it doesn't feel that way) is ready to deal with it.

It's so hard though. I've read a few other posts on here and totally agree that feeling a lack of connection is such a huge part of it. As a child, I learned early on that I couldn't talk about what was going on. Now, a lot of of me does want to talk about it, bring it into the open, and not feel ashamed. But my therapist has advised it might not be appropriate to be honest with my boss when I'm off sick and that it's likely to be better for me if I don't say I have cPTSD. With other people around me, other than a few very close friends, it feels like too big a gulf, when people ask 'How are you doing?', between answering the expected 'Good thanks' and the truth, when at times the truth is more like 'I've just gone through an experience of feeling like I'm a very young child being sexually abused by my dad right now, I'm terrified, and need to cry a lot and be held'.

I've not yet been able to face or accept a lot of the buried stuff inside me, and I know I have a long, bumpy road ahead of me, but I'm really glad to have found this group about half a year ago and to have taken the plunge today by accepting that this is a group where I belong.

To anyone who's read this - thank you, and I wish you well in your journey.

Pangur · October 17, 2024, 12:57:36 PM

Hi Sanctuary

Thank you for sharing your story and I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. It sounds as though you're doing incredibly well and I applaud you for taking the self-care steps that have helped you to feel your self-worth, and to feel safer. It seems so unfair that once we've found a measure of safety and stability, deeper stuff often surfaces and throws us a curveball all over again! You're right, it is so hard and I really relate to the lack of connection being such a huge deal. You are brave and strong and a good person. Sending you a big hug, an extra large hot water bottle and a luxurious duvet to curl up with for the days when you need them. And I hope you will find comfort and connection here on the forum.

Papa Coco · October 17, 2024, 07:29:00 PM

Hi Sanctuary,

I can feel it in your writing, that you are going through a lot right now. A lot more than normal for those of us with CPTSD.

By coincidence, I happen to be getting very close to some deeply hidden memories of my own. I've been in therapy since 1980 for suicidal depression and anxiety. I've dealt with the memories that I could access successfully over the years. It's only been these past few weeks that a deeper part of me is waking up and wanting to be set free. I am very afraid to find out what my brain has been holding from me for my own protection. My Therapist believes I'll feel a whole lot better if I can ever fully access what I'm hiding from. I thought I'd cleared the cache. Worked through everything. But nope! I can't believe I've just discovered another staircase down to an even deeper basement of my psyche. Here we go again.

I'm glad you found this forum. It's a great place to air your thoughts and find people who connect with you who have been dealing with much the same things you have. My theory is that the most damaging part of CPTSD is that we tend to feel unwanted and unwelcome in society. This forum really helps with that. I may be an enigma to my non-trauma friends, but here on the OOTS forum, we all understand each other's struggles. It feels good to have someone on my side. I hope you find that to be true here on the forum too. There are so many really good, caring people here. I owe a lot of my progress to the few years I've been sharing here. I hope you find it helpful too.

Welcome.

SenseOrgan · October 18, 2024, 09:15:10 AM

Sanctuary,

Welcome here! Thank you for sharing from such a vulnerable place. It's incredible how well you've managed to describe your situation, presuming it's overwhelming and rather confusing at the moment. Reading your post, I'm overcome by a great respect for you, and compassion for the little kid who was treated so horribly. It takes an enormous amount of courage to allow what happened to become conscious. And great commitment and focus to get to that point. You are, no doubt, a very brave and strong person.

The wish to talk about it and not feel ashamed is such a positive sign! It's hard in a society where honesty is often not appreciated, to put it mildly. Plus most people are clueless when it comes to CPTSD, potentially increasing the sense of isolation and shame when you would open up to them. May this forum be a sanctuary for you. A place cheering you on to recover your authenticity from the shame that was put onto you.

Hugs from Holland

Sanctuary · October 19, 2024, 11:24:23 AM

Thank you so much for the replies, so full of compassion, understanding and encouragement. It means a lot, and there are already feelings of having found comfort and connection here.

I feel very unused to opening up to people online - on the odd occasions (outside of therapy sessions) that I've opened up before, it's been in person where there can be a lot of talking and a lot of communication without words, but with smiles, tears, silences and hugs. Hopefully I'll get used to condensing things into a few short paragraphs soon!

It feels like it might take a bit of time to get used to the forum set-up too. Is there somewhere where the main abbreviations are spelled out? I've worked out some but not others, like EF.

Pangur, Papa Coco and SenseOrgan, I'd like to reply properly to each of you individually and I've found a dm option. I hope that's ok - please let me know if that goes against the etiquette for forums.

SenseOrgan · October 20, 2024, 02:59:50 PM

Sanctuary,

Happy to hear

Please feel free to reply the way that feels right for you. No pressure!
I also just signed up here and am figuring out the forum as I go. I did see a list of abbreviations somewhere. I'll let you know if I can find it.

Kizzie · October 20, 2024, 04:22:39 PM

Welcome to OOTS Sanctuary! So sorry for all that you went through and are struggling with currently. I'm glad you found your way here as most of us find a sense of connection and a place where others just get it.

I have to echo your therapist and suggest it might not be a good idea to talk to your boss about your CPTSD. It's not well understood yet and especially in places of employment. I hope in the not too distant future though it will become a legal accommodation. A neuropsychologist I know believes it needs to be classed as a form of disability and I think she's right.

FYI the list of acronyms is here - https://www.outofthestorm.website/acronyms and the glossary is here https://www.outofthestorm.website/cptsd-glossary.

NarcKiddo · October 20, 2024, 04:48:58 PM

Welcome, Sanctuary.

I am familiar with that sense of emotional dread that can seem completely unrelated to what is happening in the present and yet may not feel like a memory because it is mainly/only the emotions at play. That is, basically, an EF (an emotional flashback). Kizzie has linked you to the acronyms now but I expect you have seen reference to EFs a lot around here.

I am sorry you needed to find us, but glad you did.

Chart · October 20, 2024, 07:32:24 PM

Hi Sanctuary, welcome. Very sorry for your struggles. I hope (and think) you'll find a lot of understanding here.

Sanctuary · October 21, 2024, 10:56:56 AM

Thank you Kizzie, NarcKiddo and Chart for the welcomes and for pointing me in the right direction for finding out about EFs. It's good to understand the acronyms and it has been really helpful to see the list of EF symptoms that Schrodingers Cat compiled from forum members. This explains a lot about what I've been experiencing on and off over the years, including what's been going on the last couple of weeks, which has been what gave me the nudge to try joining the forum.