I was not a monster;

[blueteddy]

I was not a monster; i was just trying to survive in a world that didn't understand me.

You know what's really sad, is when I was a kid, I was often labeled as villain and violent, and told I was the bad kid, told I was the monster, that I was the cause of all the problems in the family, the problems for my parents, and my siblings, and my school, my classmates, everyone called me a monster, and a villain, and violent, and... Whenever I speak the truth, they said I'm lying, they said I'm acting, and that I should go to an acting lesson, acting class, or acting school, and they said that I was a bad friend, a bad child, I was abusive, and I was mean, but I wasn't, I wasn't like that at all.

Now that I think about it, for the longest time, I used to believe everything they said, that my biggest sin was being alive.
I've never committed any crime before, but everyone in my whole life, especially my parents, they made me feel that the biggest crime I've ever done is being born to a life that I never asked to live in. To a world, to a cruel world that I never asked to live in.

But truly, when I was a kid, I was just struggling with way too much trauma beyond my years, and I was struggling with emotional dysregulation and BPD, and I was only a kid, I was in elementary school, and I already have BPD. Can you imagine how much I had to suffer that I eventually developed BPD when I was only an elementary school kid? I have so much pent-up anger, and I was very impulsive and self-destructive, and I didn't know how to express or show my love and affection in a healthy way and i was always heavily misunderstood and ended up losing people.

People see me as this monster because all of that, but even when I wasn't all that, they always labeled me as the bad guy anyway. And, I don't even know anymore how I looked like when I was a kid, but when I look back at my picture, all I see was just a little white angel that was hurting so deeply that she didn't even have an expression in her face. It was just pain and trauma, and it was just horrible and sad, and there was also pureness in my other childhood picture. I cannot see any villain or violent or abusive or monstrous that all those labels that people tried to put on me, all I see is just a pretty, beautiful, dreamy, pure little kid, and the world has ruined me.

So look at me now. I could never go back to that phase, or maybe I could in the future when I get my asylum and when I get real, proper help for my deep rooted traumas and mental issues, but until then, I think it will be hard for me to go back to those phases where I could be me again and express myself the way that I deserve, the way that I want, and not hiding behind my dark clothes and quiet, reserved self. I just want to be able to express myself and be whatever I want. Actually, I wasn't even allowed to do that when I was a kid. When I do that, I was punished, I was never allowed to be myself. I was too loud, I was too noisy, I was too annoying, I was too clingy, I was too troublesome. It was all my fault. It was always all my fault. Even before I turned four years old, it was always my fault.

[RaidahO07]

BlueTeddy, I admire your strength. "I was not a monster" is a sentence I hope you hold onto forever because you were not a monster - and today, you still are not a monster. I have to laugh at the family who tried to break you, to say you're the fault for EVERYTHING - you never were the fault and I'm so sorry you're feeling this pain. You have people here to support you. I hope you get the asylum soon.

[blueteddy]

BlueTeddy, I admire your strength. "I was not a monster" is a sentence I hope you hold onto forever because you were not a monster - and today, you still are not a monster. I have to laugh at the family who tried to break you, to say you're the fault for EVERYTHING - you never were the fault and I'm so sorry you're feeling this pain. You have people here to support you. I hope you get the asylum soon.

Thank you so much Raidah007. You support means so much to me 

[AphoticAtramentous]

I just want to be able to express myself and be whatever I want. Actually, I wasn't even allowed to do that when I was a kid. When I do that, I was punished, I was never allowed to be myself. I was too loud, I was too noisy, I was too annoying, I was too clingy, I was too troublesome.

This feeling is all too familiar to me. It's a suffocating and nauseating experience, a root that strangles your very being. All too often parents will have children with clear expectations of how those children should behave, and then when we don't meet their expectations, it's somehow our fault - but it's not. We are human beings, with our own souls and bodies, and we have the right to be ourselves.

Regards,
Aphotic.