starting over

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad you've got things to look forward to. And it sounds good they are small things, because as you say small things can feel really huge. So a big, giant treat might actually not feel like a treat because certain factors could be overwhelming. I know I am reluctant to re-book the cruise that had to be cancelled when I was in hospital because aspects of a big holiday feel tough to deal with at the moment. I think you are managing yourself really well. Keep taking those small steps because when you look back you will see just how far you have come.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, phoebes, for the note on self-care.  i don't know how much conscious thought i give to that, so the reminder is excellent.

thanks, NK, for the support and validation.  yeah, even small things can feel big at times, and the big things can feel overwhelming.  good call on your cruise.

the idea of not giving very much conscious thought to self-care kind of struck me.  besides cancelling outings in order to rest, i don't know what else i can do to care for myself.  i'd love to go for a massage, but can't afford it.  would love to get exactly the food i want, but can't afford that, either.  those are 2 areas of self-care that come to mind.

i suppose i'm caring for myself now that i'm not smoking at all.  getting knocked down by my lungs going wonky after the pneumonia vaccine, well, i couldn't do that to them.  of course, i changed my tack and binged on sugar for 3 days.  that wasn't good, and i paid the price for that in a very uncomfortable way.  so, i guess, even if it was a difficult way to come to it, not smoking is pretty big, even only 4 cigs/day.  i'm sure it's still gotta hurt me.

i did manage to cry a bit the other day.  that was a good thing, i think.  let some of that sadness out. and now i'm hearing about people being afraid, and my heart goes out to them.  so, i'm feeling angry about that, that they should have to feel that way.  one trans kid we know woke up the day after the election and burst into tears, not wanting to go to school, scared out of his mind.  that's not right, that people should have to be concerned for themselves like that. someone on the forum wrote something similar.

anyway, yeah, angry about that.  i can feel it.  i don't like it. don't know what to do with it, either. i just want to call on my earth mother spirit and wrap every scared person up in my arms surrounded by voluminous skirts to comfort and keep them safe.

[Phoebes]

San, I forgot to mention kudos for quitting smoking!   

I'd say that's the best bit of self care anyone could do! 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, phoebes!  that level of recognition is big for me, cuz i don't think of quitting smoking as a big deal anymore - i've done it so many times in my life, sometimes for years at a time. so, thank you for recognizing it, giving it the magnitude it deserves.

it was interesting to me to be applauded for quitting smoking (even tho i think about starting again most days) cuz, like i said, i've done it so many times.  once i stopped for 15 yrs.  this has been a few weeks, and i'm still not sure if i'm actually 'quit' or not.  i've got cigs sitting in my room, ready to be puffed on if i feel the need, or anxiety gets the best of me again.  for some reason i'm just letting them be right now. 

i have to admit, in the field of addictions, cigs has been probably the most difficult to quit.  really didn't have any problem geting off alcohol or drugs, but the cigs . . . they've helped me get thru some very tough times even when i didn't have other chemicals to lean on.  things are changing for me right now with this move in so many ways. we haven't been here 6 mos. yet, either.

it looks like i'm gonna cut my hair off.  it's quite long, straight, one length - i may donate to 'locks of love' if i can find the energy.  i looked them up this morning.  my hair has gotten so thin, so much of it has fallen out from the stress of both dealing w/ the trauma and the recovery from it, that it is also very, very thin, and i've got several large white patches of scalp showing.

my hair has been a big deal to me all my life.  i've always liked my hair, loved the color - i even love the silver streaks i have now! - and have been a stylist for quite a few years, since i was 20, i think, altho i haven't worked in a shop for decades.  it was just one of the iterations of me throughout my life.  at any rate, it has broken my heart to see what the top of my head looks like now, and i can't really look at it anymore cuz it hurts so much to see what's happened to it.

so, i'm hoping a shorter 'do' will help take some of the pressure off my hair and scalp, and it won't be as painful to brush thru it.  pulling on it doesn't help its health and welfare. i'm using a rosemary-infused shampoo lately to try to strengthen it, too, but i think it's mostly cuz of stress that it's been breaking and falling out.  hopefully, as i stay here, accept myself more fully, and allow the love and caring in that i'm experiencing here, my hair will grow back.  if not, asi es la vida - such is life.

[Phoebes]

  aw, San, I'm picturing your beautiful long silver streaky hair, and a cute fun shorter "do." I'm sorry you experienced some falling out..I feel link changing hormones can have some effect too, whether that is tied in to stress or on its own, I'm not sure.

I don't know if this helps, but at times when I've had big gobs of hair falling out, I use a shampoo called Nioxin (in the states) that is specifically for that, and it really did help. Again, I'm not sure if that is right for you but wanted to throw my experience with that out there.

It's been hard accepting this new hair I have, too. It just is what it is, dang it. I had some highlights and tints over time to sort of blend and condition the dull greys, but I'm even beyond that, growing the grey out so that at least it's not damaged. This 'ol' gal is getting weathered.

[Chart]

 

[sanmagic7]

here's to weathered ol' gals, phoebes!  actually, the hormone issue was taken care of in my 40's, so i don't think that has an effect anymore.  stress and old age, tho, for sure!

thanks for the hug, chart.

i was up in the middle of the night, and began crying when i read a passage about a man who was there for a woman while she cried w/ exhaustion after having gone thru a terrible experience.  how tired am i of having had to do all this w/o help from the males in my life, and who were the causes of such experiences in the first place.  except now my brother, who is beyond helpful.  so much grief stored up.  i doubt it will ever get all cried out.

[Armee]

 

I wish there were more men like your brother in your life now and especially in the past.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, armee.  me, too,

i cut my hair this morning. cried for several minutes.  am now gonna play on the computer for a while, then take a shower and go to lunch w/ my cuz.  haven't seen her in 40+ yrs.  we were best friends for quite a while.  my neck feels bare.  short bob. kinda.  i just chopped, so it's a choppy bob.

[Armee]

Thats a big change, San. Grief would be normal especially what your hair has meant for you. I bet your choppy chopped Bob looks pretty cute. 

[sanmagic7]

it is cute, armee!  thanks.

cousin lunch is postponed cuz i mixed things up.  drat!  looking forward to seeing her.

i like my haircut, especially the first day.  will have to figure some things out for the days after, but it'll do.  i've had my hair so many different ways over the years, have never been satisfied w/ keeping it the same.  kinda like my life, i guess.

[Phoebes]

I want to see a pic! 

[sanmagic7]

phoebes, i'd love to accommodate you, but i don't have the ability to do that.  but, thanks for asking!

today is a clean-up day.  gotta clean myself, clean the dishes, clean the living room cuz my SIL is coming over so we can go thru and arrange some extra medical benefits for ourselves.  ugh!  bureaucracy (dang, i had to look that word up! couldn't remember how to spell it!).

gonna make my fav potato salad using 2/3 cauliflower instead of all potatoes.  it's a lot of work, but one of my fav things to eat.  i always feel like i'm doing something really good for myself w/ it.

dang, i guess it's just a day of doing stuff.  i guess i must feel ok.  sometimes i don't even know that except by what i'm doing/not doing.

i read in another journal about intrusive/racing thoughts.  i still have those at times, and they're the worst, especially in the middle of the night.  something i've been doing which has helped keep them at bay has been reading a 'fun' book, both before i go to sleep, and if i'm having trouble getting back to sleep.  i know it's probably just a band-aid solution, but honestly, i don't have the energy to get back into 'working' on this crapola right now. just did a little mind scan on that last sentence, and, nope, no energy for it.

ugh!  don't have the money for therapy, either, to try to take care of that stuff.  so, i guess i'll do the best i can do, which is run away.

speaking of which, this is my third day w/ no xanax.  i think i may finally be ok to not take it anymore, altho i have plenty left to be able to use if i need it.  i guess i'm kinda proud of myself - no cigs, no meds.  if it were someone else, i'd be saying that it's a big deal.  just feels run of the mill for me.  why is that?  do i think i'm better than others?  or just that i have higher expectations for myself than others?  yep, i think that's it.  part of growing up traumatized about not being allowed to be an 'average' student, which translated to not being allowed to be 'average' anything.

eventually i'll work on that one.  i hate it.

[Armee]

San, I don't know you in real life but I have a very hard time imagining you as "average" in any sense. You seem too unique and too special to be average.

But yeah the higher standards. The price we paid for "messing up" even slightly was a high one...

I think it's amazing you have been able to stop using tobacco and Xanax. I hope if you feel good without those substances that it is not too difficult to continue to not use them. 

[rainydiary]

I read your update and resonate with the challenges of not being "average."