starting over

[Blueberry]

Hugs san   

As you wrote to me, hang in there

[Chart]

So many messages from body and heart... and even listening is hard.
 

[Phoebes]

 

[Hope67]

 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, blueberry.  i will, i'm sure, even if i don't want to!

thanks, phoebes

yeah, it is, chart.  thank you for your sympathy.   

thanks, hope 

all these hugs are so wonderful!

as chart said, it is hard - actually, not so much to listen to them, but to give them value and to act on them in a healthy way.  i'm struggling every day to do the latter 2.  so far, so good?  i mean, it is good/healthy for me to respect those messages, but to keep myself from ignoring them is the harder part.  ugh!!! my irrational mind wants to ignore them cuz i'm eating way too much and cigs would help curb that.

i want to ignore them.  it seems this is a situation now where i can't go back.  but, i've been there before.  my mom died of lung cancer, i stopped smoking for 2 whole weeks before i resumed.  i had bronchitis, i stopped for over 15 years before smoking again.  i went to the hospital in mexico for 3 days with pneumonia, i stopped for about 1 1/2 yrs. before i went back.  oooh, i've got a disgusted grimace on my face about the 'going back' stuff.  that's addiction for you.  the ultimate love/hate relationship.

[Armee]

That's right, it is addiction for you. Not a personal failing. Just keep going as long as you can! No judgement one way or the other here from us.  you've been doing great so far!

[sanmagic7]

thank you, armee, for the words of encouragement and the assurance of no judgments.  i appreciate that a lot.  hopefully, i'll be able to hang in there.

new year's eve.  my bro and his woman are coming over today, i want to do a little hors d'Oeuvres (i had to look that up) tray for them.  it's a tradition we had in our family for the girls to feel a little festive w/ the adults.  just gonna use what i've got here.  it's nice to have some of this spirit w/in me again.

[Desert Flower]

That sounds nice San, I hope you have a nice evening together. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, DF.  we did have a nice time together.

a new year.  resting up for tomorrow when i'll be going to see the dylan biopic.  very much looking forward to it.  those folk songs at the time stirred my innate sense of advocacy, i think.  they raised my awareness to a level not thought of in my family nor friend circle.  to do them justice, i've taken to the streets, been a volunteer counselor for battered women, have written letters on behalf of myself and others to get medication availability changed (in mexico), and brought awareness of c-ptsd to other therapists. 

for a minute i didn't want to sound like i was blowing my own horn, but writing this down was a good reminder to me that i've made a difference in the world.  that's an immense feeling for going forward in a new year.  i wish i could continue doing that kind of thing, but i really can't commit to time or space anymore.  can't trust my body or brain to be in the right space or feel well enough.  still, at least i did something.

my greatest fear was becoming dumpy and boring.  and alone.  i know i'm not any of those things at this point in my life, and for that i'm glad.  i also raised 2 daughters to be strong, independent women, bilingual, and non-racist.  a lot of that was because of my decision to send them to a spanish immersion school.  they were introduced to all kinds of cultures, skin tones, and ways of being there.  i'm just thankful that option was open to us.

all in all, in such a moment of sanity and lucidity, i know i've done a good job in my life.  i don't normally reflect on this, so i'm glad i took the time to do so here and now.  writing this has felt very grounding, for some reason.  too often i've felt like the odd one out, kind of snickered about, but i've also accomplished some very positive things for myself and others.  i don't know why i don't do this more often. 

i do wish i could volunteer at the library, but realistically, no.  i'm just glad i still have a 'want' like that in me. it feels future forward, like i still have life to live.  haven't felt that way in a long time.  i think i've been very depressed and didn't know it.  for many years.  hmmm . . .  don't like much admitting that to myself.  i also think i'm very angry at my husbands.  that came out of nowhere.  stream of consciousness writing.

[Blueberry]

Wow san! That's very positive for a New Year's post.

You have made a difference in the world, several ways  

[Armee]

San! I love it! Yes! You have lived a life. A full, real life. Full of meaning and love, pain, betrayal by others, but all this too. It has been a full life. And more than that you are now eyes wide open seeing ALL of it. Not running, not hiding, just experiencing the fullness of it now that you have paused. And you should be very proud of what you have done. Including here. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, blueberry - you brought a big smile to my morning!  love it!

thank you, armee, for all that validation.  still smiling! 

i guess my new project, now that i'm thinking of it, is this 97-yr. old woman who was once a great friend of my parents.  her H helped me get my first real job and i've known her most of my life.  i've been exchanging letters with her for many years, and now that we're basically in the same place, i can call and chat.  she once wrote that when she moved in w/ her D, she moved away from a lot of her friends, and she doesn't drive, so it got more difficult for them to have lunch together and such.

so, i've visited w/ her since i've been here, talked on the phone a couple times, but i think i want to make that a more regular thing, and go visit her every so often, maybe once a month.  i think that'll be good for both of us.  i may not be able to take to the streets for a good cause anymore, but i think i can commit to a senior citizen.  it feels good writing that down, even tho i could feel a little trepidation as i wrote it.  i really don't want to say i'll do something like this and not follow thru.  but it feels good at the same time. 

so, that's my plan going forward.  is that a new year's resolution?  no, just a plan.  i've also got it set in my mind to make 2 phone calls this month, one to the library to see if they'd consider an author's nite like my D did on the coast.  the other is to the office here to see if they have some of the same amenities we had in the other place we lived. and i've jumped back on the bandwagon of getting some movement going in my life.  too anxious to walk outside right now, but i can do some stairs and hallways in the building.  at least it's something.  plus, i did a little bit of weights yesterday, and that felt good as well.

so, seems like a full plate when i think of it.  i like it.  dang, sometimes i can't believe myself.  but it feels good, all of it.  onward . . .