starting over

[sanmagic7]

i decided to start another journal, one that carries more mundane stuff.  because i'm back in my original hometown now (more or less - a suburb), after nearly a quarter century, everything is familiar yet all new. it really does seem like starting over.

i want to record this area of my journey on its own.  there's so much here that doesn't have to do w/ c-ptsd, yet this is also where 3 of my biggest abusers were  (2 of them, my D1 and my ex are still here).  don't even know if my D1 knows i'm here.  last i heard, my ex wasn't telling her.  and, thank goodness, my first therapist has moved away. she did a number on me that i carry with till this day.

it's sad all over to me to write that.  we'll see if this works.  i also wanted to begin a journal here because there are folks here who's feedback and support i miss, and i suspect it's because i've only been involved in the 'members journals' section for quite a while.  just want to see what this feels like.  i am sad, tho.

[NarcKiddo]

I am sorry that you feel sad. Maybe it would be a good thing to sit with that sadness and think about where it is coming from. That's what my T would say, at any rate!

It must be kind of strange to be back in your original hometown after so long, but I think it is good that you are owning your space in this world even though your experiences of the town are not all good.

[Desert Flower]

Yes, strange to be back in your home town where so much of it happened. I can relate because I drive back to my home town regularly to visit my m, seeing how much it's changed too. And wondering sometimes where all these people that I used to know went. And some things still the same, some of that is triggering too.

I just wanted to come sit with you and your sadness for a while so you're not alone here. 

[Chart]

Hi San, glad you took the step to start again. Sorry for the sadness, but sometimes the sadness passes and is replaced by lovely peace. I'm here with you too. Welcome back to starting over.
 

[Armee]

 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Wishing you lots of nice things ahead in terms of starting over.  I hope you know that whatever happens, you are loved and appreciated.  Sending you a big hug 
Hope

[rainydiary]

I will be thinking of you as have this restart.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, NK.  i appreciate the support.

DF, so comforting to read that, and to picture me not being alone w/ this because of you.  thank you so.

thanks, chart.  the sadness has passed, but i don't know about the peace taking its place.  probably too much other stuff in there yet.

thanks for all those hugs, armee.  lovely!

hope, your comforting words were wonderful to read.  thank you so.

rainy, i appreciate the thought.  thank you.

well, after getting 3 vaccinations at once, i've been down and out for a week and a half.  honestly, my galpal even said the other day - didn't you just go thru this a little while ago?  i told her, yeah, i go thru this periodically, which is true.  it's difficult for me to continue feeling well for more than about 3 days at a time.  i think that makes me sad as well.

so much sadness inside.  i told my D the other day about we've got so many tears inside, and yesterday i was just plain weepy all day.  couldn't put my finger on anything specific, but it seemed like anytime i saw someone being kind to someone, my tears began.  it feels like i'm in a constant state of grieving.

i made a picture for myself to try to explain to my galpal about this stress thing and me, and what i came up with is a glass of water that is completely full to the point where the water jiggles at the rim of the glass, above the rim but not yet overflowing.  still, add one more drop, and the glass can no longer contain the liquid.  that's how i feel about my stress level.  i'm barely able to hold it together on a daily basis, so any extra stress of any kind, whether it's physical (as with these vaccinations), mental or emotional, my level overflows, and my physical system goes wonky, and i feel like crapola until i can rest and get back to 'normal'.

i read someone's post who wrote 'i feel normal', and that's a foreign phrase to me.  my 'normal' is so out of whack that it's nothing to celebrate.  being down like this continually takes me to dark places, and my thoughts are not healthy, at all.  when i do feel better, i'm able to take a walk in the mornings, and that is always a boost for me, but . . . i've only been able to do that for 3 days in a row since i've been here.

it's frustrating, and it pulls me under quite quickly.  i was able to get out of the house yesterday, was able to vote (and may i encourage others here in the u.s. to do so as well) which felt good, and went to both the library and the food bank.  and then i was exhausted the rest of the day, but stayed up very late cuz my D was dealing w/ my ex while he was in the ER, and she didn't get home till nearly midnite (he'd fallen, and of course, they found nothing wrong, but that took over 7 hrs. to establish!).

the reason this was upsetting for me - and, o yeah, i totally resent him for this, as irresponsible and foolish as that may seem (i can't get a handle on being mature and adult when it comes to anything about him) - was cuz my D does not like to drive at nite, especially if it's raining - and it did - and i know it ratchets up her anxiety.  worry wort mother hen here!

at any rate, i didn't get to sleep till 2 in the a.m., and woke up promptly at 6:15, so i know i don't have enough sleep under my belt, and i'll irrationally blame it on him.  ugh!!!  dang, i hate that i feel this way, and it's upsetting, but there it is.  i want to say i hate him, but i can't really feel that emotion like i did a while back.  but i resent him intruding on her life like this.

i'll just leave it at that.

[Desert Flower]

Hi San, just wanted to let you know I hear you.

it seemed like anytime i saw someone being kind to someone, my tears began.

This resonates with me. It's like when people are mean to us, we know to brace ourselves and harnass, whereas when they're kind, oh dear, that just hits me terribly. Like the wounded part of me can now come out. And that's not easy. Yes, we have a lot of grieving to do.

And what you're saying about stress levels being up like the glass is already full and with a single drop it's flowing over, I get that too. The other day there was 'nothing' going on and my daughter asked 'why are you stressed' and I said that's just me, I'm stressed. That she needed to be on time for school, while she had plenty of time btw, was enough to stress me out.

And sometimes, it's enough to just get some of the things done that we wanna do. That's okay. We get pulled under quickly. We're okay the way we are.

Take care and big hugs 

[sanmagic7]

DF, i so appreciate your support and validation on this 'full of stress' thing, but i hate that you experience it as well.  thank you.

still sick-y, still down about it, and now, because my lungs have gone wonky, i've had to quit my cigarettes, so food, especially sweets, are filling in, which also doesn't please me or my body.  caught betw. a rock and a hard place.  i know it sounds like a good thing not to smoke, but since i've only been doing 3-4 cigs/day, and my former T told me to keep doing it, especially as i was getting off my meds, i'm missing that little routine i'd actualized for relieving stress.

so, i'm sure that has something to do w/ being down.  i know it's better not to smoke, but, and i've quit before, sometimes for years at a time, but it has been a good stress-reliever for me, at least physically? mentally? emotionally?  somewhere in there, i was able to let out a whole lot of stress during the exhale.  other kinds of stress, tho, for sure.

at any rate, that's not happening now, at least not till my lungs have cleared up, and who knows when that will be.  i haven't decided for sure yet if i'm all the way quit or not.  we'll see.  in the meantime, just putting one foot in front of the other, doing my best to get thru a day.

[Armee]

 

Stupid sicknesses.

That's a really interesting observation about the stress relief through the exhale. I wonder how much of the stress relief of smoking is the nicotine and how much is the breathing pattern and if you'd get any comfort from even pretending to smoke, or if that would be even more unsettling.

I do hope you feel better soon. 

[Phoebes]

Hi, San, I'm glad you're having a fresh start! I hope you enjoy the transition and find new energy and life there. I resonate with your post, too. Sometimes I feel sadness for things I've missed. Like when someone is kind, it feels like "this is what I'm missing or missed" or "this is what I struggle to have in my life" for whatever reason. I don't know if I am translating the exact feeling. I Hope you'll find peace and comfort amongst the sadness. Sending you hugs and encouragement. 

[rainydiary]

It's really difficult to lose routines that feel supportive to us.  I hope that things shift in ways that allow you to bring back the routines that are helpful.

[AphoticAtramentous]

i made a picture for myself to try to explain to my galpal about this stress thing and me, and what i came up with is a glass of water that is completely full to the point where the water jiggles at the rim of the glass, above the rim but not yet overflowing.  still, add one more drop, and the glass can no longer contain the liquid.  that's how i feel about my stress level.  i'm barely able to hold it together on a daily basis, so any extra stress of any kind, whether it's physical (as with these vaccinations), mental or emotional, my level overflows, and my physical system goes wonky, and i feel like crapola until i can rest and get back to 'normal'.

This is an analogy that my own therapist described to me! As you describe aptly, humans don't just churn through stress like it's nothing. No, it builds up, more and more, until it eventually overflows and we can't contain it anymore. And it doesn't matter what type of stress it is, doesn't matter how small it is - it all adds up in the same cup. Sometimes things that aren't even related to stress can fill the cup, like.. you could picture hunger being a small ball; and when that ball of hunger is placed in the cup,  it displaces the stress, causes it to rise up even more. It is why taking care of ourselves is so important during times like these, though I understand how hard that is to do in those moments - because these cups of stress are like weights on us. Even if they're not overfilling, they are heavy and daunting, and even just the fear of them overfilling can create more stress. I think it's also why we're drawn to the little pleasures in life, because likewise - if any little bit of stress adds up, then any little bit of pleasure can be relieving as well.

I'm sorry your cup is so full these days. I hope you are able to find an opportunity to drain it soon.

I like Armee's idea of pretending to smoke, or just working on breathing in general. I don't know what it's like to smoke so perhaps this advice is completely off the mark, but would having some scented candles or incense around help maybe? Breathing and exhaling around something like that instead?

Regards,
Aphotic.

[sanmagic7]

interesting point, armee, about the breathing, but i think that the release of the smoke, being able to see it leaving me has something to do w/ it.  i just tried the exhale mentally, and that's what came to mind. but, yeah, stupid sicknesses, for sure! 

thanks for the encouragement, phoebes.  it's been a process, for sure, and i'm not quite used to everything here yet, even tho it's mostly familiar on some level.  still, it's been a long time since i've been in this part of the country/world, so i'm still transitioning. 

thank you for the support on that, rainy.  it is indeed.

aphotic, thank you for the validation.  much appreciated.  scented candles are already in play, as is incense, but they're not the same.  i think it's the expulsion of physical smoke that is connected to the expulsion of stress, so pretending doesn't quite work.  guess i'll just have to live w/o, or go back to doing it.  we'll see.

couldn't sleep past 4 this morning, the air got warmer overnite rather than cooler, and it woke me up.  my mind feels clearer, tho, as if some of the gunk of feeling crappy has eased.  this so often happens like this - one day i'm feeling very down, dark, and in a minute i can feel completely different, as if the former hadn't happened at all.  i even feel confident to drive right now.  weird.

we got winter jackets from my bro yesterday, so that's nice to have that taken care of.  i have earmuffs (love those things!) and good gloves, but i still need a hat, i think.  haven't had to prepare for winter like this in quite a while.  it's part of the routine change.  like rainy mentioned, it can be difficult to have those routines upended.

and i'm dealing w/ static now, something i haven't dealt w/ in more than 20 years!  so very weird to me.  i don't know what it is, but this is the only place i can really remember having static electricity problems.  another something to get used to.  i do think that i'm finally used to the difference in the taste of the water, tho.  it was very prevalent to me (my D didn't have a problem) even tho we use a filter.

so, the changes are still making themselves known, and i'm still in the middle of dealing w/ them.  am still on the fence about the cigarettes, altho more than once i've thought about having to go outside to smoke during the winter and what that might look like.  and i'm still weaning off meds as well.  all of this, i have no doubt, is contributing to my food/eating battles right now, but it's good i wrote that down to remind myself. 

well, i can feel myself getting tired now, so i think i'll leave.  don't know if i can go back to sleep, but might give it a try.