starting over

[AphoticAtramentous]

one day i'm feeling very down, dark, and in a minute i can feel completely different, as if the former hadn't happened at all.  i even feel confident to drive right now.  weird.

I feel you there. Like, it's nice that the darkness is over, but it's also so confusing and oddly frustrating? Not sure if it feels the same for you.

I hope you were able to procure some rest!

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Chart]

one day i'm feeling very down, dark, and in a minute i can feel completely different, as if the former hadn't happened at all.  i even feel confident to drive right now.  weird.

San, have you always been this way? Or is this rapid mood change new? Could this be interpreted as a positive change?

Just wanted to comment as well that exhalation of cig smoke is possibly equivalent to evacuation of toxicity. Could I suggest something? Try focusing consciously on the inhalation of clean cool air. Your observation made me think of PMR (progressive muscle relaxation) where there's a focus on the "change" between inhalation and exhalation. Just an idea... Regardless all that, sincerely hope you're feeling better.
 

[sanmagic7]

yep, aphotic, it was very confusing when i first started it, which was decades ago.  i'm kinda used to it now.  it's still surprising, tho. thanks for being here for me. 

chart, no it's not new.  when i fully realized this happened, i was in mexico.  some of it has been linked to my inability to recognize emotions.  they would play out physically, and often my legs wouldn't work in a minute, or they'd begin again in a minute, all w/o warning.  i got diagnosed (wrongly) as bi-polar when my mex. hub tried to describe it to the shrink there.  as far as the breathing goes, i'm just working on focusing on my lungs, who are still a bit wonky, so no cigs for them.  what comes next, we'll see.  thank for the suggestions.

i was able to go out to lunch w/ my galpal yesterday, and that was good, but i'm tired today.  different food, sitting outside, all that jazz.  i've noticed, tho, that my lungs are beginning to clear up, so i'm glad of that.

grieving so many things, as usual.  anytime i see someone/thing on tv that treats someone well, or that wasn't in my life when i needed them, or anything like that, especially parental or relationship stuff, i just begin weeping.  i remember going to a healer in mex., and he would massage legs from the knees down, and i went every day for 2 weeks, and just cried buckets of tears when he did that.

my H was embarrassed by it, i think, or afraid that i was disturbing the others who were there, but i didn't care.  it seemed to me that since those tears were coming so easily, they must need to be released, and this seemed to be a catalyst for that release.  so, as many gallons of tears i shed in those 2 weeks, there are still more and more that want to come out.  it feels neverending.  it's also exhausting at times.

[Chart]

Hey San, I hear you about tears. Amazing how many bucket-loads there are in us. I'm glad you let it go. I'm the same, I never try to hold them back. I had a massage last summer and just bawled the whole way through. I warned the masseuse beforehand. She said she sees that often... And fatigue... yeah, I'm there too. I sure hope it's a sign of healing cause I'm just flattened lately.
 

[sanmagic7]

i agree, chart, it is amazing how many tears are still waiting to come out.  feels neverending. 

the weather changed, it was quite chilly last nite, i even put an extra blanket on my bed in the middle of the night, but i slept better than i have in quite a while - well, since the last time it was chilly.  this heat thing is quite amazing to me, cuz when i lived in mexico, 9 mos. of the year i lived in A/C, and it was set to 77 F.  now, that temp feel hot to me and i'm uncomfortable in anything over 70.  how i lived there for 16 yrs. sometimes boggles my mind, but it sure helps explain why i had so much problem sleeping.  those conditions were all wrong for me.

was able to walk this morning, finally, and as always, it felt good.  not very far, not very long, but it was something, and i'll take it.  walking outdoors really sets my day on a pos. track for some reason.  i eat better, feel less anxious, see more clearly - all kinds of things.  i have to see if the malls here are open early during the winter. when i used to live here, i'd walk in the malls nearly every morning it rained or snowed.  it was good.

i have one 'job' i want to finish today, and that is collecting and putting in a vase all the dried flowers, etc. i've gathered.  my D told me yesterday she wasn't like me in that i could just be ok w/ leaving dried flowers willy nilly, and i told her the only reason they're like that is cuz i've felt too crappy to fix them.  so, that gave me the incentive to have that goal for today.

come to think of it, i used to have goals like that most days, even small things like putting the laundry away (well, small to some.  to me it was a chore that often didn't get done in a timely manner cuz i was just too tired or sick).  so, starting over once more. *sigh* how many times now have i 'started over'?  too many to count. ugh.

[Desert Flower]

Seems like we start over every day. Doing something good for ourselves every day, even if it seems ever so 'little'. It's not little. It's a big thing we are taking care of ourselves. Getting better a tiny bit every day. (Please disregard if this doesn't ring true, just my feelings here.)

[sanmagic7]

DF, you've got a point about starting over every day.  to me, starting over took a lot of energy, and most days i'm expending what i have just to get thru the day and make it to the next.  a different way to think of it.  thanks for your support.

well, a good day yesterday, and right now i feel like crapola once again.  the temp changed, and i'm having a hard time coping w/ that.  DST is going on tonite, altho in the fall, getting an extra hour doesn't knock me for a loop like losing an hour in the spring.  altho the cold felt so good to me yesterday, i think i overdid it, and then i forgot my advil last nite, so woke up early aching all over.  one of these days, i'll get it right . . .

today has now been designated a day to recover.  so sick of this.

[Armee]

 

Recover with care today, San. Rough week ahead for all of us in the US, time change just the tip of the iceberg. Hoping for the best for you, for us.

[AphoticAtramentous]

altho the cold felt so good to me yesterday, i think i overdid it, and then i forgot my advil last nite, so woke up early aching all over.  one of these days, i'll get it right . . .

today has now been designated a day to recover.  so sick of this.

Ack, I hate it when I forget my medicine. I can sympathise with the frustration and pain, san. I'm glad you're taking the time to rest. Wanting the best for you. 

Regards,
Aphotic.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, armee, and yes, i hear you.  today is a big day, for sure.

aphotic, thanks for your support.  it is truly appreciated.

was able to drive to a different place yesterday, and it felt ok.  every little bit of this helps me w/ my confidence that i know what i'm doing, have done it a million miles or more before.  muscle memory has kicked in, and it's been wonderful to realize that, has brought a smile to my heart while driving.

it's been strange being here, having support people, people who want to see me, be around me who have known me for ages and ages.  not used to it yet.

still fighting with fears, hesitations about what to do and when.  that started at our other place, and i don't like that it's followed me here.  i'm not used to living with fear yet.

[Larry]

 

[rainydiary]

I am interested to keep hearing how being in a familiar place goes and how the relationship to others that have known you goes. 

[Desert Flower]

i'm not used to living with fear yet.

Yes, that's hard. 

[sanmagic7]

hi, larry.  good to see you!  thanks for stopping in.

rainy, i'll certainly keep updating.  thanks for the interest.

DF, it HAS been hard.  i've written here before about not knowing how people who have known fear have lived w/ it for so much of their lives.  it's still somewhat of a foreign entity to me.  thank you for your support.

it's weird to have something of a social calendar again.  my bro's SO is coming over Sun. so we can figure out our med insurance together.  i used to have to go thru this stuff w/ my D all the time, or make such decisions on my own, and she didn't know anything about it (which i don't either, but it's tied to being older and i have to deal w/ it). that's going to be so helpful.

i'm also going to lunch w/ my cousin next week (who was my best friend at one time) who i haven't seen in 40? yrs. or so. when she called, i couldn't recognize her voice at all.  but, i forgot about that, and double-booked myself w/ my galpal, so that's got to be re-done.  dang, part of this is difficult cuz my D and i have to share the car, and neither of us are used to that yet.

and my bro wants to go to one of our parks and take a walk there w/ me, which i'm also looking forward to.  it just still seems strange, but i can see now how very depressed i was where we had lived, cuz i was so isolated.  to have things to look forward to, even small things like a visit or lunch or a walk amongst the trees feels so huge for my life.  not used to any of it, but i can look back and recognize the depression.

can't afford a T now, but i think i'm doing ok on my own right now.  some of the trauma stuff comes back, especially if i wake in the middle of the night, but now i can go to the library and have been getting fun books i can read at 3 in the morning and fall back asleep to.  that's a nice difference.  this forum, all the people here, also really helps.  can't say enough good about being here and staying connected.

the trees are getting pretty bare now, but the weather is cool and crisp and autumn-y, and i can sleep better at nite w/o the heat, so that helps as well.  and my bro brought me varying degrees of warmth jackets - all my cool/cold weather wear was left behind by mistake, altho, when we looked at it more closely, we'd have had to leave them all behind anyway cuz there was no room in the car - and i've walked w/ 2 of them, and they've worked out well.

and these seasons seem on time to me again - where we were, the seasons were a month or two off, and that always felt strange to me.  of course, in mexico, the seasons were totally off, planting was topsy turvy, and that always bothered me.  don't know if i'll be able to grow anything here, but there's a lovely little community garden that's open to the public, and we've gotten some great veggies the past couple months.  we also found a nice little food bank that has been helpful.

movin' right along . . .

[Phoebes]

Hi San, I've read through your posts since the last time..I'm really glad you have some support there and that it helps lift the isolation depression. I really relate to that. Even if it's in small doses, I think that's wonderful to realize you're cared for and you DO have energy, it's just more realized right now with a little help/interaction.

Please be gentle with yourself