starting over

[Chart]

Hey San, your comment on growing up with trauma really resonates. All the bars got way skewed, so I don't know where to place my achievements. I relate.
 

[NarcKiddo]

The cauliflower and potato salad is a great idea. I may well try that sometime. Do you do it in a mayonnaise dressing or a vinaigrette one? Or something else?

I agree you are doing really well with no cigs and no meds. Good for you. I also resonate with not being happy with average. Seems like there are plenty of us here! I don't know about you but my upbringing (and education) was all about results. There was little concept of value in making an effort if it did not yield perfect results. In fact making an effort without succeeding was denigrated and if it became obvious I would never "succeed" at whatever it was I was told to drop the activity altogether. Hence, for example, my very late discovery that I actually like fitness because I was really rubbish at the school choice of sports. Whether or not I might have enjoyed them, or other sports, with a little encouragement was immaterial. I certainly don't get the impression that you are at all the type of person who would think you are better than others, so maybe you are someone who has difficulty in giving yourself credit for an achievement even if the results are not "perfect" or exactly what you envisioned. And yeah, that seems like trauma to me.

 

[sanmagic7]

on my way w/ my D to the doc - she has to have a biopsy and is very upset.  i am by osmosis, altho i really don't think it's anything more than a cyst. back to the xanax . . .

[Armee]

 

I hope the biopsy isn't too painful and a (good) answer comes very quick. Stress and uncertainty suck.

[Hope67]

I hope that the appointment goes ok for your D and for you in your osmosis.  I hope they give a speedy outcome in terms of the results, and that all is well.   
Hope

[NarcKiddo]

I hope all goes well for your D and that whatever it is turns out to be nothing of concern.

 

[sanmagic7]

thank you armee, hope, and NK, for the well wishes.  we should hear tomorrow or thurs. at the latest.  fingers crossed, prayers flying.

my chest just tightened up.  i wrote in my other journal that i think i have more processing to do, this time on hub#1.  he's been by the wayside for most of this time, these past 5 yrs. due to the narcs i've been dealing w/.  he was very verbally and emotionally abusive, and i've kind of shoved that under the rug.  but it leaked out w/ all the other dirt under there this morning.  i just don't want to do this anymore!

[Armee]

I have a really good vacuum cleaner. 

I mostly use it for spiders but I'd be happy to lend it to you to suck up all the stuff under the rug you don't want to deal with anymore. I'll take the vacuum cleaner back and you won't have to deal with it, I'll take all that dirt and dump in the sea...I think on the opposite side of the country from you.

 


God i wish burying and ignoring this stuff worked. 

I'm glad you don't have to wait long for biopsy results. That is really good. Now just fingers crossed for good news.

[sanmagic7]

your vacuum cleaner is genius, armee!  i just shook my head in wonder at your cleverness - such a gift to me. thank you so.

i drove yesterday to my galpal's house, a 20-min. drive.  it's in the area where my D's doc appt. was, and i drove us home from that, so i knew i could do it.  needed my xanax for it, tho.  still anxious beforehand.  but, it went well, altho i had a headache after due to the tension on the way home.  first time i've driven in real traffic in over 20 years, and saw 2 accidents at intersections on the way home.  none of which were me, so yay! (didn't look like anyone got hurt either, so another yay!)

will be seeing my cousin today, first time in over 40 yrs. - she and i used to be best friends.  it'll be interesting.  she's a loving catholic, quite 'clean' in her language and such, and when i spoke w/ her on the phone last week, i inadvertently let out an f-bomb after realizing i messed up the date we were sposed to get together.  ooops!  but, after i apologized, she said she didn't use such words, but it wasn't something she hadn't heard.  we'll see how this goes.

[NarcKiddo]

I hope you have a good visit with your cousin today. And well done for doing the drive to and from your friend so you could visit her. I think it's great that you are doing all these things. Good for you.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, NK, for the encouragement and the support

well, my D's biopsy is pos., and she's looking into surgery to have it cut out.  she's got to wait to talk to someone about the best options, etc., so now all we do is wait.  i called my galpal to tell her, and that's when the tears started. not good.

[Armee]

 

I'm so sorry.

[rainydiary]

I am thinking of you and your D.

[sanmagic7]

thank you armee and rainy.  she's got 2 appts. next week, one is for more tests, one is to discuss surgery or other options.  ugh!