starting over

[Chart]

San, meat can cause inflammation? That's a new one to me. I'm so far from being an expert, but I have been experimenting with the Keto diet and I've noticed reduced depression. And this has been supported over time (mainly through backsliding and binging on sugar and carbs) and subsequently replunging into severe depression. So there seems to be a link (at least for me). I also have an inguinale hernia. It's incredible how fast it reacts to me eating sugar. I feel it almost instantly. So for me, sugar and carbs are my enemies. For meat, I think all meats are different. Certainly fish is clearly excellent for health in all respects. Chicken causes inflammation? I've never heard that. Beef is high in the "bad fats/oils" so maybe it's to be reduced. But for me, a good lean burger is better than a bowl of pasta, at least from the Keto perspective. Again I'm absolutely NOT an expert in this area, just poking around exploring.

[sanmagic7]

hey, chart, yeah, keto is the opposite of getting off meat.  good luck on your journey w/ that. mine's working out better, altho i had a true meat craving the other day.  ah well, this, too, shall pass.  thanks for your input.

so, getting along better w/o meat the past couple days, altho as i said above, i had a real craving for a pizza w/ the works the other day.  from what i read, one of the biggest disadvantages to going w/o meat (red meat especially) is the lack of vit. B12.  i do take a B-complex tablet, so that's been covered for me for some time.

this morning, 6 hrs. of sleep, which is better than it has been, only 1/2 med last nite, but i don't feel so groggy this morning, which is nice.  hopefully, this keeps up.  i also found a youtube video of brown noise, which i've been playing the past few nites.  sposed to be relaxing and helpful for deep sleep.  i don't think it's hurt me, so i'll keep it up.  i've listened to other colored noises but some of them made me anxious.  weird how that works.

hoping to just stay even for a while.  rest, relax.  it's been so wonderful being part of the library again, reading or re-reading books i haven't had access to for so long.  i always was a reader, i believe it was my escape when i was a little girl.  i'd get so immersed in a book, it would take people calling me 2 or 3 times before i'd actually hear them.  it was a good way to disappear from expectations and other realities.

[sanmagic7]

i don't quite know what to do w/ this. my galpal has offered to pay our rent increase cuz she doesn't want me to have to move again.  she told me about filing for bankruptcy not too long ago, how embarrassing it was, and now i'm feeling embarrassed cuz she's giving me money every month, and i don't know what to do w/ this feeling. it might even be more than embarrassment - humiliation, maybe?  don't know how to process this, never felt it in real time before.  it's hurting my stomach.

[Desert Flower]

Yes, that's a hard one San. But although we were brought up thinking we need to do everything by ourselves and we're bad people when we need anything (I'm thinking maybe thoughts like this are causing the stomach ache, not the actual offer), this is actually not true. We all need help once in a while. We're all connected and we shouldn't have to be alone in any of this. I hope this helps. If not, please disregard it. Sending you big hugs.

[sanmagic7]

actually, DF, it did help.  thank you a lot for that.  i realized shame was in there as well, that i'm at a point in my life where i can't actually afford to sustain myself financially, and i 'should' have better prepared for this.  the other voice tells me i've had an inordinate amount of stress, trauma, and illness to contend with and i've done the best i could.  it's a toss-up which voice is louder on which day.  ugh!

[Blueberry]

the other voice tells me i've had an inordinate amount of stress, trauma, and illness to contend with and i've done the best i could.

I agree with this voice for you!

[sanmagic7]

thank you so much, blueberry, for that 'nudge' i needed in the healthier direction.  i'm so grateful to you for saying this.  such validation brought a smile to my heart this morning.

i am going to push this voice forward in order to drown out the other voice.  blueberry gave it the first push, so i'm on it now. 

feeling more relaxed lately, which is nice. a tingle of concern about this cuz my D may have to decide to go w/ chemo after all, and selfishly, i'm not looking forward to that (let alone what it'll cost her!  she already lost half her hair 2 yrs. ago due to anxiety, and it's just grown out now, and it was devastating for her) cuz i already know i'm not a good nurse-type, never have been, at least not for more than 3 days, and i'm sure this will be longer than that. 

we discussed it somewhat last nite, and i told her i'd be there for her, would take care of her, and i will, but i know me, at least where this is concerned.  she'll be talking to the oncologist on tues. and make her decision.  she won't be able to work, and the money stuff comes up again.  dang!  and i can feel the pressure rising as i write.

[sanmagic7]

still not doing meat, except fish.  i think things are evening out, tho, for the most part.  still some 'hiccups' in the bathroom, but i would expect that. not so bad overall, and i do feel better mentally/psychologically for doing this.  i got sick of seeing how these animals are treated, what we're getting besides meat from them.  it's time, i guess.

sleep is still not ok.  couldn't fall asleep till about 4 this morning, woke up at 6 w/ the birds, feel back asleep till 8, but i feel kind of sick-y and i know it's because my system is agitated becuz of not enough sleep.  will keep working on it.

things are ok w/ my D right now.  lots of stress around her medical stuff, tho.  dang, i don't think i can still fully consciously believe she's going thru this. 

during the night, as i was trying to fall asleep, it occurred to me to cry, that i have (still!) lots to cry about.  before i let any tears go, tho, a flash of me as a teen, then a little girl came to mind, and i thought i could cry being her.  then i thought, how far back does this go? and i pictured myself as a baby, not being nurtured enough - i know my mom was big on babies, but i remember how people would say things about not picking babies up when they cry cuz it will 'spoil' them.  don't know how much of that was in my house, but back then it was a very common thing to hear.  i don't think i was spoiled, but i do think there are still a lot of tears inside even from that time in my life, left to soothe and comfort myself on my own.  i can feel that in the pit of my chest.