starting over

[Chart]

San, meat can cause inflammation? That's a new one to me. I'm so far from being an expert, but I have been experimenting with the Keto diet and I've noticed reduced depression. And this has been supported over time (mainly through backsliding and binging on sugar and carbs) and subsequently replunging into severe depression. So there seems to be a link (at least for me). I also have an inguinale hernia. It's incredible how fast it reacts to me eating sugar. I feel it almost instantly. So for me, sugar and carbs are my enemies. For meat, I think all meats are different. Certainly fish is clearly excellent for health in all respects. Chicken causes inflammation? I've never heard that. Beef is high in the "bad fats/oils" so maybe it's to be reduced. But for me, a good lean burger is better than a bowl of pasta, at least from the Keto perspective. Again I'm absolutely NOT an expert in this area, just poking around exploring.

[sanmagic7]

hey, chart, yeah, keto is the opposite of getting off meat.  good luck on your journey w/ that. mine's working out better, altho i had a true meat craving the other day.  ah well, this, too, shall pass.  thanks for your input.

so, getting along better w/o meat the past couple days, altho as i said above, i had a real craving for a pizza w/ the works the other day.  from what i read, one of the biggest disadvantages to going w/o meat (red meat especially) is the lack of vit. B12.  i do take a B-complex tablet, so that's been covered for me for some time.

this morning, 6 hrs. of sleep, which is better than it has been, only 1/2 med last nite, but i don't feel so groggy this morning, which is nice.  hopefully, this keeps up.  i also found a youtube video of brown noise, which i've been playing the past few nites.  sposed to be relaxing and helpful for deep sleep.  i don't think it's hurt me, so i'll keep it up.  i've listened to other colored noises but some of them made me anxious.  weird how that works.

hoping to just stay even for a while.  rest, relax.  it's been so wonderful being part of the library again, reading or re-reading books i haven't had access to for so long.  i always was a reader, i believe it was my escape when i was a little girl.  i'd get so immersed in a book, it would take people calling me 2 or 3 times before i'd actually hear them.  it was a good way to disappear from expectations and other realities.

[sanmagic7]

i don't quite know what to do w/ this. my galpal has offered to pay our rent increase cuz she doesn't want me to have to move again.  she told me about filing for bankruptcy not too long ago, how embarrassing it was, and now i'm feeling embarrassed cuz she's giving me money every month, and i don't know what to do w/ this feeling. it might even be more than embarrassment - humiliation, maybe?  don't know how to process this, never felt it in real time before.  it's hurting my stomach.

[Desert Flower]

Yes, that's a hard one San. But although we were brought up thinking we need to do everything by ourselves and we're bad people when we need anything (I'm thinking maybe thoughts like this are causing the stomach ache, not the actual offer), this is actually not true. We all need help once in a while. We're all connected and we shouldn't have to be alone in any of this. I hope this helps. If not, please disregard it. Sending you big hugs.

[sanmagic7]

actually, DF, it did help.  thank you a lot for that.  i realized shame was in there as well, that i'm at a point in my life where i can't actually afford to sustain myself financially, and i 'should' have better prepared for this.  the other voice tells me i've had an inordinate amount of stress, trauma, and illness to contend with and i've done the best i could.  it's a toss-up which voice is louder on which day.  ugh!

[Blueberry]

the other voice tells me i've had an inordinate amount of stress, trauma, and illness to contend with and i've done the best i could.

I agree with this voice for you!

[sanmagic7]

thank you so much, blueberry, for that 'nudge' i needed in the healthier direction.  i'm so grateful to you for saying this.  such validation brought a smile to my heart this morning.

i am going to push this voice forward in order to drown out the other voice.  blueberry gave it the first push, so i'm on it now. 

feeling more relaxed lately, which is nice. a tingle of concern about this cuz my D may have to decide to go w/ chemo after all, and selfishly, i'm not looking forward to that (let alone what it'll cost her!  she already lost half her hair 2 yrs. ago due to anxiety, and it's just grown out now, and it was devastating for her) cuz i already know i'm not a good nurse-type, never have been, at least not for more than 3 days, and i'm sure this will be longer than that. 

we discussed it somewhat last nite, and i told her i'd be there for her, would take care of her, and i will, but i know me, at least where this is concerned.  she'll be talking to the oncologist on tues. and make her decision.  she won't be able to work, and the money stuff comes up again.  dang!  and i can feel the pressure rising as i write.

[sanmagic7]

still not doing meat, except fish.  i think things are evening out, tho, for the most part.  still some 'hiccups' in the bathroom, but i would expect that. not so bad overall, and i do feel better mentally/psychologically for doing this.  i got sick of seeing how these animals are treated, what we're getting besides meat from them.  it's time, i guess.

sleep is still not ok.  couldn't fall asleep till about 4 this morning, woke up at 6 w/ the birds, feel back asleep till 8, but i feel kind of sick-y and i know it's because my system is agitated becuz of not enough sleep.  will keep working on it.

things are ok w/ my D right now.  lots of stress around her medical stuff, tho.  dang, i don't think i can still fully consciously believe she's going thru this. 

during the night, as i was trying to fall asleep, it occurred to me to cry, that i have (still!) lots to cry about.  before i let any tears go, tho, a flash of me as a teen, then a little girl came to mind, and i thought i could cry being her.  then i thought, how far back does this go? and i pictured myself as a baby, not being nurtured enough - i know my mom was big on babies, but i remember how people would say things about not picking babies up when they cry cuz it will 'spoil' them.  don't know how much of that was in my house, but back then it was a very common thing to hear.  i don't think i was spoiled, but i do think there are still a lot of tears inside even from that time in my life, left to soothe and comfort myself on my own.  i can feel that in the pit of my chest.

[sanmagic7]

took my galpal shopping the other day - she can't drive anymore - and she fell in a parking lot. so strange, just dropped like a brick.  no flailing around, no sounds from her, no really anything as far as looking herself over, just kept going.  i did the mother hen thing, wanted to hold her arm, she kept swatting me away w/ hand and words, was very annoyed that i wanted to take care of her.  it wasn't till we were in the store that she realized he had blood all over her hands!  2 wounds, one on each hand, where she went down and a piece of gravel or something dug into the flesh.  i got bandaids, went to the john w/ her to help wash her off.

when we eventually got out of the store, after she bought what she wanted, i noticed and pointed out to her that she had blood on her shirt as well, she just brushed that off.  getting things was her big priority.  we went to 2 other stores after that, and on the way home i noticed and told her that it looked like there might be blood on the knee of her jeans.  again, she just kinda brushed that off with a 'probably'.  there was no thought of her well-being at all.  it was like she was on a mission to go shopping, and that's what was important.  not her own self.

later, i thought of how much it reminded me of my M.  she would've been exactly the same way.  impossible to show any kind of helping to if it pertained to her self.  no self-care on a physical level, none on an emotional level, either.  and all i did was annoy my friend by wanting to take care of her.  i was probably the same way, now that i think of it.  but, no more.

[NarcKiddo]

It occurs to me that your galpal might have been somewhat in shock after the fall. I do hope she considered getting some medical follow up. If she just dropped without tripping I wonder if maybe she may have had a mini stroke or something? At any rate a fall is scary. I fell in the street many years ago, and I was tripped up by something when I did it, but I still felt out of sorts for the rest of the say. I am sorry that her reaction made your experience of the incident feel a bit like being with your M. However it is possible that you did not annoy your friend at all - she just was not in a mental place where she could be grateful for your help. That does not make you bad for wanting to help and caring about her.

I hope things go well for your D and that if she goes with chemo the side effects are not too bad for her. It can vary a lot. My father had virtually no side effects from the chemo he had.

 

[sanmagic7]

hey, NK, i believe she was just very embarrassed by her fall.  it was a physical thing, she's having trouble w/ one of her feet.  didn't want any attention on her for it.  she's not into self-care very much.  and thanks for thinking of my D.  she's decided not to go w/ chemo, the percentage of it helping her was a very low 1.6%. what might happen cuz of it, hair loss, tingling/numbness in extremities, not being able to eat - she went thru that cuz of anxiety 2 yrs. ago, and even the doc said she'd be against it cuz of that.  so, radiation starts next month.   

my D now gets stress flu, had it for the past 3 days, so now she knows how i feel when i get it, and how wearing/exhausting it is to feel so miserable.  i'm not happy she got to learn about it in a real way.  ugh!

tired today.  hard nite falling asleep.  i purposely didn't nap yesterday, and was out and about so i was plenty tired by the time i went to bed.  dang, maybe i'll load up on meds tonite, give myself a break. 

[sanmagic7]

i've gotten some decent sleep the past couple nights doing the meds i was originally prescribed for restless legs.  i don't have an unlimited supply of those, but enough for a while.  it really does feel good to sleep, to not be up and down 4-5x/nite, running to the john, intrusive thoughts unless i read something to lull myself back to sleep, or have to go to the computer, play a couple hours of games until i get tired enough and stop running to the john.  it's a whole thing, and i feel like crapola during the day - well, anyone who has sleep problems knows what i'm talking about.  so, i think i'll stick w/ this for a bit, maybe one nite on, one nite off to make my supply last longer.  yeah, i'm putting off going to the doc - not a good time there.

[sanmagic7]

i'm in the midst of a strange experience, and i'm writing, continuing writing to try to get out of it, but so far, not so good.  looks like some xanax time, cuz i can't shake this feeling.  around 4 this morning, i woke up dead.  i dreamed i was with some people, and we were all going to die, and we did, and i felt myself sliding through something like a water park tube and i died and i woke up and this feeling of being dead is still with me, my chest is constricted and full and my head feels physically fuzzy somehow.  gotta stop here, get some meds.  this is too weird.

[WabiSabi]

Sorry you had such a strange dream  Sounds really disconcerting!

I think death dreams are meant to represent change, seeing as death is the greatest change of all.

Hope you'll feel better soon

[Armee]

 

Check in when you are able. I'll want to know you are OK.

 

I had a dying dream once and it was surprisingly disturbing for a very long time. For me it was more of an emotional residue though and not the physical that you are feeling. Go to urgent care or ER if something really feels off?