starting over

[sanmagic7]

thanks, WS.  just got up from a nap, and i am feeling better.  i've also heard about death stuff meaning change, like in tarot cards and whatnot.  can't imagine what this was about, tho, but i haven't looked into it too closely, either. 

armee, i'm all right.  the xanax helped, as well as the nap.  i told me D about what/how i was experiencing it, and she didn't seem concerned, which she normally would if she noticed me seeming strange.  thank you so for your concern.  didn't mean to worry you. 

my morning was full, so i didn't really think about what happened any more.  still, very weird.  i don't want to make a habit of dreaming this, that's for sure!  very upsetting.

[sanmagic7]

quite exhausted today.  these trips to the doc for my D really take it out of me.  in 2 weeks she starts radiation, and that will be driving every day for 3 weeks.  i know i won't have to go every time, and she has other people who have volunteered to drive her, especially the last week when she will be so tired.  still, knowing she's gonna be popped w/ radiation is not thrilling.  certainly not for her, but for whatever reason it takes it out of me as well.

she's been laying her head on my shoulder lately, even in public, which is always a sign that she needs her 'mama' to give her a hug, kiss on the top of her head, something that will hold her up, so to speak.  this is the part of having a do-over w/ her, being the mom she didn't have when she was a kid cuz D1 took over time and energy to the extent D was overlooked.  it's called something like the 'child behind the glass', the one who gets shuffled out of the way cuz another kid needs more time and attention for whatever reason, like chronic illness (physical or mental).  so, now she does get my full attention which i hadn't been able to give when she needed it as a kid, and i'm so grateful to be here for her.  it's part of the reason i try not to let her know how wearing this is for me.  she felt like a burden as a child, i don't want her to feel like that now.  so, i go w/ her whenever possible, whether to the doc or her delivery job, and listen to her problems, thoughts, feelings, whatever, that i wasn't able to do in the past, 

the real problem is i'm so much older now, don't have the same stamina or strength, physically or emotionally.  still, i'm on a mission.

[Armee]

   hugs for you and D. It IS a lot. It IS going to be a lot for both of you. I mean not that long ago you weren't even driving period. Now every day and to a stressful place no less

[Blueberry]

     san

[sanmagic7]

thanks, armee.  you always manage to bring the obvious to light in the best of ways.   

thank you, blueberry, for those lovely hugs.  i can feel the caring from them.

am going to call a doc for me today - at least, that's the plan.  i'm just sleeping so much better w/ meds, it's quite unbelievable to me except that i've experienced it.  i don't know what it is about bedtime, but my anxiety ramps up, my body goes kinda nuts, and my mind does things i don't want it to do.  i had to leave my weighted anxiety blanket behind when i moved, but i don't know for sure how much that has to do w/ it.  here it's more that i'm so very warm - it's literally freezing and i have the window open, at least a little bit.  if it's in the 50's at nite, i'm uncomfortable with more than a sheet covering me.  my D jokes that it's 'the change', hahaha, but i'm too old for that anymore, i should think. 

at any rate, no matter what the med i take, i can fall into a restful sleep for about 6-7 hrs., which feels pretty good.  i don't doubt, now that i'm thinking about it, that all this crapola we've been going thru is taking a toll on my system.  that would seem to be the obvious reason.  i guess.  w/o the meds, i'm up till 2 or 4 before i can fall asleep, or i'm up every 1 1/2 hrs. to pee, neither of which gives me any kind of decent rest.  i know i've been on about this sleep thing for a while, but i slept pretty good last nite and i can feel so much of the difference.

at any rate, i hope this doc will give me meds.  it's been such a long time since i've had bloodwork, and i know that has to be done as well, so i guess i'll just do it, see what happens.  i hope she's an ok doc and listens to me.  that's my number 1 criteria. 

[WabiSabi]

  I'm glad you were able to have a better night's sleep. It's very frustrating having broken sleep, hard for the body to recover, my fingers are crossed this DR listens.

[Desert Flower]

Hi dear San, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and your D. I hope you've been sleeping a little bit, it's such a big one when we can't. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, WS, for the support.  so appreciated.

hi, DF, lovely to hear from you.  thank you so for your caring.

forgot to take meds last nite, but slept all right.  not as good, but do-able.

for some reason i'm not holding as much tension in my face lately when i'm going to bed.  i'm glad of that, but i'm not sure why.

i had another death dream the other day, and then that nite dreamed of my F who has been dead many years.  i mentioned the death dream to my D and she reminded me of something i'd told her when she was a kid and dealing w/ nightmares.  i gave her a jar, told her to put her bad dreams in the jar, and i'd put it outside in the garbage for her.  so, she told me to do the same w/ these dreams.

when i opened the jar, i was standing over the kitchen sink (this was after the first 2 dreams) and i tilted my forehead toward the jar and thought about letting the dreams drop in.  my entire body shook, i could feel sensations throughout my head, neck, body as i imagined bad stuff pouring from my forehead and into the jar.  then i screwed the top onto the jar and all the sensations went away.  i still want to put the dream of my dad in there and put it in the trash outdoors, get rid of all of it.

[Desert Flower]

Wow San, that's a powerful experience with putting your dreams in the jar. And that might well have an effect too, I gather!    Keep taking care dear.

[SenseOrgan]

Such a sweet thing to do for your kid (and to suggest to your mom so many years later). And by the sound of it, this is really helpful to you. Great! And hooray for the do-able sleep without meds. No small thing! 

I have the same thing with heating up at night. It's not easy to get the temp quite right. I sleep under a duvet cover and in the colder parts of autumn and spring have the duvet covering my feet/legs and more if necessary. This is how I regulate the temp at night, because too cold is still possible as well. 
 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, DF, for being you and for caring.  i love it!

SO, yeah, it was pretty cool how something good i did for my D was able to come back to me in a real way.  i agree, it's not easy to get the night temp 'right' for sleeping.  sounds like you found something that works.  yay! thanks for the support.

i had the best nite's sleep i've had in a long time last nite.  i just want to revel in that for a moment.  took the med i've used for my restless legs thing, slept 8 hrs. all the way thru, felt rested this morning.  perfect!  after crappy sleep the nite before, no nap yesterday (i often fall asleep in my rocker - such old lady vibes, i know! - during the afternoon, especially after i've eaten and i'm reading/relaxing, but didn't yesterday, for some reason.  just never got that tired!) and went to bed at my regular time.  the stars must have aligned, cuz i've done that same thing on other days and haven't necessarily gotten the same results, not expecting them tonite, either, but i'll cuddle up w/ last nite and wallow in it for now.

[Desert Flower]

That's so great San!        Yes please revel in that 

[WabiSabi]

Fantastic you got quality rest, San Hope the same again for you soon!

[Blueberry]

  

[sanmagic7]

thanks, DF.  i most certainly enjoyed it! 

thank you, WS, for that kind wish.  i hope so, too.

thank you, blueberry.  me, too.

well, yeah, not 2 nites in a row, but i was able to go back to sleep this morning, so that helped.  i think if i just realize my sleep is what it is, i might be better off.  i think i've been trying to push at it frantically, and the frantic gets in the way of any kind of acceptance.  it's not like i have to punch a time clock or anything, i could lay in bed all day if i wanted to, so to speak (in reality, laying too much hurts my back after a while).  the point is, i've been pushing too hard instead of accepting.  i used to accept it, had a routine where i slept 4-5 hrs./nite, then napped for 2 hrs. during the day, and i was able to function pretty well.

i think what started getting in the way of this was a shrink i had in mex. who kind of berated me for having that sleep pattern, told me i needed to tend to my 'sleep hygiene', and i think that phrase started getting into my brain.  i'll see if i can't just let me be and get out of my own way.