How am i supposed to survive all of this..

[blueteddy]

Today has been overwhelming, both physically and emotionally. I posted on a CPTSD forum about the physical abuse from my little sister starting again, and one person urged me to reach out for help. The only person I thought to ask was my old high school friend, even though I was hesitant. I asked if she could send me money, just so I could take a temporary break from this abusive place. Unfortunately, she couldn't help right now but mentioned she might be able to in early November. I appreciated her offer, but it was tough hearing that help couldn't come sooner when I'm desperate for an escape.

Later last night, out of desperation, I reconnected with a guy I used to talk to on Free4Talk. He ghosted me in the past, and I even removed him from my friend list on Discord because he would promise to be there for me and then vanish. Despite knowing this, I reached out because I'm lonely and needed someone to make me feel cared for. I didn't like it. He kept crossing my boundaries, calling me pet names and acting in ways that made me uncomfortable, even when I asked him to stop. He read me bedtime stories, gave me praise, and stayed on the call while I fell asleep, but it didn't help. I had horrible nightmares, filled with abuse, waking up feeling like I'd barely slept.

And on top of that, today's my first day of my period, and the cramps are agonizing. My family is ignoring my needs, and no one is helping. My little sister has been eating three meals a day, enjoying all the fried and spicy food while I can barely eat anything because of my sore throat and severe reflux. They mock and scold me for being sick, underfed, and in pain. My entire body aches, and I feel isolated and drained, with no one to rely on. Everything just feels too hard, and I don't know what to do. My third brother made fun of me bcs i cook chicken soup that i couldnt finish yesterday that my mom ended up throw it out and gave it for cats but my third brother told me perhaps even cats wont want it.

I don't know what the future is supposed to look like anymore. I used to think I could survive everything, no matter what they did to me—beat me, hit me, kick me, even worse. I believed I could pass through it all, but now it feels like I can't. Everything is way too difficult. Day after day, it's the same. The abuse never stops. They're always hurting me, mocking me, making me feel worthless. My family doesn't care, not about my pain or about giving me food. I'm constantly starved because I have to buy my own food, but I barely have the money to do that. My mom makes food for herself and my siblings, but I can't eat it because it's unhealthy for my sore throat, and no one seems to care about what I need.

What fascinates me, though, is how they've turned this into something I'm guilty for. They neglect me, don't feed me, and yet somehow I'm the one who gets blamed. I have to use my own money to buy food, and then they blame me for not buying food for them, for not telling them that I'm ordering food, for not sharing my food. They constantly make me feel like I'm selfish for having my own money, for taking care of myself, and for not spending it on them. It's like I'm not allowed to do or be anything. No matter what I do, it's wrong. I'm always scolded, always being yelled at. Nothing I do is ever okay for them. I don't know how they've turned it around like this, but it's like they've perfected the art of making me feel guilty for simply trying to survive.

The stress is unbearable. My period cramps are getting worse because of all the emotional pain they're piling on top of everything. The scolding, the yelling, the mocking—it never ends. Today, my third brother mocked me all day about not being able to make food. I don't think anyone realizes how long I've been suicidal, how long I've been carrying this weight. Every time I'm in the bathroom, they make a problem out of how long I've been in there, like I don't even deserve the space to be by myself for a moment. It's killing me inside. I just want peace. If they're going to neglect me, they could at least stop abusing me. They could just leave me alone.

No one has reached back out to me. No organizations, no friends. It's like I'm invisible, like everyone has left me here to die. I don't even know what the future is supposed to be beyond this pain. It feels like no one cares, and I'm exhausted.

It feels like god forbid i survive, god forbid i eat, god forbid i spend my own money, god forbid i take care of myself.

My chosen family, my ian even told me "you are an abused, traumatized, terminally ill jobless boy.
They are grown pampered adults with jobs. WHEN WILL THEY * ACT LIKE THEY BIG SIBLIGS THEY ARE 💀💀💀"

And lets not forget my little sister impairing my legs.

OH MY GOD DO YOU SEE HOW CRAZY THESE PEOPLE ARE?

No human being can stay alive being this way no human being can deal with all of these..

[Armee]

 

[Lakelynn]

Blueteddy,

You can and will stay alive. Somehow, someway, in your immediate environment, there is a person who is going to hear and act.

I don't mean your family. It's clear they are not able to do anything that helps. I don't know if you have transportation at all. But if you do, my thought is to go to a library and ask for information on services that help people in your area.

In times of ongoing stress, it's natural to shut down and reach out to people who are not trustworthy. It's a better idea to keep trying to get help from people whose job it is to serve.

When panic sets in, thoughts get jumbled and we can't figure out where to turn.

[blueteddy]

Blueteddy,

You can and will stay alive. Somehow, someway, in your immediate environment, there is a person who is going to hear and act.

I don't mean your family. It's clear they are not able to do anything that helps. I don't know if you have transportation at all. But if you do, my thought is to go to a library and ask for information on services that help people in your area.

In times of ongoing stress, it's natural to shut down and reach out to people who are not trustworthy. It's a better idea to keep trying to get help from people whose job it is to serve.

When panic sets in, thoughts get jumbled and we can't figure out where to turn.

Thank you for your encouragement. I understand that seeking help from people whose job it is to serve would seem like the best option, but the reality in Indonesia is very different. I've done extensive research and reached out to numerous organizations and services over the years, and I've encountered consistent issues. The local system is deeply flawed and often more harmful than helpful. For instance, the only NGOs in Indonesia that are supposed to support abuse victims, have volunteers or staff that are not properly trained or care to help or find solutions with me. Their responses have been dismissive and have made me feel even worse.

I've also tried contacting international organizations like UNHCR and UN Women Asia and Pacific, but despite reaching out through emails and phone calls for months, I haven't received any meaningful replies. The local police and authorities here are notorious for corruption and often don't take abuse cases seriously, especially when it comes to AFAB individuals like me who doesn't have clear physical evidence of ongoing abuse (Even if i do, very unlikely to get any help). Going to them would likely result in more harm than good. I'm at a point where I can't trust anyone to actually help me, not the authorities, not the organizations, and not even the healthcare system, which has traumatized me further through malpractice.

Then for the past 3 months i have been reaching out to activists, international therapist, news medias, infuencers, celebrities, local and international organizations who may help me, i have sent more than 100+ emails and still no one has reached back to help.

I'm aware that when under extreme stress, it's easy to reach out to people who aren't trustworthy, like that guy I reconnected with. I know he wasn't a good choice, but sometimes the loneliness and isolation push me to make those decisions just to feel a sliver of care, even if it's not real.

As for transportation, I don't have access to it, and even if I did, the places I've gone to for information have never provided the help I need. Libraries here aren't the same as they are in other countries in terms of resources for people in crisis. I feel like I've exhausted all my options. I'm still trying, but every attempt I make leads to more frustration and pain.

I just wish the system here were different. I wish that when people say "there's help out there," it actually applied to where I live. Right now, I feel trapped in an environment that isn't equipped to help people like me.

[Lakelynn]

Dear Blueteddy,

This is indeed a very bleak picture of your situation and reality. Thank you for laying it all out so we don't suggest anything more you've already tried.

Seeing that outside help is either non-existent or has failed to yield results, it appears that it's up to you. And I have confidence you can find your way out. Why? Because this is what I read and see.

You have a very firm grasp on language. You have an internet connection. You are educated and write clearly and well. You found this forum. You are motivated to change and improve your life.

We have RESOURCES. It's right HERE Books, links to podcasts, oodles of things. New thinking from professionals, new ways of re-framing old concepts. I believe that you can find something that resonates and will be helpful. Give it a try.

[blueteddy]

Dear Blueteddy,

This is indeed a very bleak picture of your situation and reality. Thank you for laying it all out so we don't suggest anything more you've already tried.

Seeing that outside help is either non-existent or has failed to yield results, it appears that it's up to you. And I have confidence you can find your way out. Why? Because this is what I read and see.

You have a very firm grasp on language. You have an internet connection. You are educated and write clearly and well. You found this forum. You are motivated to change and improve your life.

We have RESOURCES. It's right HERE Books, links to podcasts, oodles of things. New thinking from professionals, new ways of re-framing old concepts. I believe that you can find something that resonates and will be helpful. Give it a try.

Thank you for acknowledging that outside help has either failed or isn't available to me. However, suggesting that I 'find my way out' through personal resources like books or podcasts doesn't reflect the seriousness of my situation. What I'm facing isn't something that can be addressed with self-help materials or re-framing—it requires immediate and practical support, which, as I've already shared, is unfortunately not accessible where I am.

I understand you're trying to be encouraging, and I do appreciate that, but suggesting I rely on myself in a situation that prevents me from doing so feels a bit dismissive of the real dangers and limitations I'm dealing with. At this point, advice along these lines isn't helpful, so I'd prefer to leave the discussion here. Thank you again for your understanding.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Dear Blueteddy,

This is indeed a very bleak picture of your situation and reality. Thank you for laying it all out so we don't suggest anything more you've already tried.

Seeing that outside help is either non-existent or has failed to yield results, it appears that it's up to you. And I have confidence you can find your way out. Why? Because this is what I read and see.

You have a very firm grasp on language. You have an internet connection. You are educated and write clearly and well. You found this forum. You are motivated to change and improve your life.

We have RESOURCES. It's right HERE Books, links to podcasts, oodles of things. New thinking from professionals, new ways of re-framing old concepts. I believe that you can find something that resonates and will be helpful. Give it a try.

Thank you for acknowledging that outside help has either failed or isn't available to me. However, suggesting that I 'find my way out' through personal resources like books or podcasts doesn't reflect the seriousness of my situation. What I'm facing isn't something that can be addressed with self-help materials or re-framing—it requires immediate and practical support, which, as I've already shared, is unfortunately not accessible where I am.

I understand you're trying to be encouraging, and I do appreciate that, but suggesting I rely on myself in a situation that prevents me from doing so feels a bit dismissive of the real dangers and limitations I'm dealing with. At this point, advice along these lines isn't helpful, so I'd prefer to leave the discussion here. Thank you again for your understanding.

I don't think Lakelynn was intending to be dismissive. Of course, the best case scenario would be to get you out of the hostile environment. But engaging in self-help tools and activities is not mutually exclusive to also finding a way out. You can aim to do both, and often it's doing both that will get you the greatest outcome. I didn't get any help from the system either, I contacted support lines and nobody came to save me. But learning more about CPTSD, learning about the varying coping strategies, it just helps to take the edge off sometimes. It's obviously not a cure all, it won't make the immediate threats go away, and you're not going to magically heal from a few books, but every little bit helps.

Have you considered moving out to live with a friend or other relative? Maybe even just looking out for flatmate advertisements in your area, to live with someone who needs help paying the rent.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[blueteddy]

Dear Blueteddy,

This is indeed a very bleak picture of your situation and reality. Thank you for laying it all out so we don't suggest anything more you've already tried.

Seeing that outside help is either non-existent or has failed to yield results, it appears that it's up to you. And I have confidence you can find your way out. Why? Because this is what I read and see.

You have a very firm grasp on language. You have an internet connection. You are educated and write clearly and well. You found this forum. You are motivated to change and improve your life.

We have RESOURCES. It's right HERE Books, links to podcasts, oodles of things. New thinking from professionals, new ways of re-framing old concepts. I believe that you can find something that resonates and will be helpful. Give it a try.

Thank you for acknowledging that outside help has either failed or isn't available to me. However, suggesting that I 'find my way out' through personal resources like books or podcasts doesn't reflect the seriousness of my situation. What I'm facing isn't something that can be addressed with self-help materials or re-framing—it requires immediate and practical support, which, as I've already shared, is unfortunately not accessible where I am.

I understand you're trying to be encouraging, and I do appreciate that, but suggesting I rely on myself in a situation that prevents me from doing so feels a bit dismissive of the real dangers and limitations I'm dealing with. At this point, advice along these lines isn't helpful, so I'd prefer to leave the discussion here. Thank you again for your understanding.

I don't think Lakelynn was intending to be dismissive. Of course, the best case scenario would be to get you out of the hostile environment. But engaging in self-help tools and activities is not mutually exclusive to also finding a way out. You can aim to do both, and often it's doing both that will get you the greatest outcome. I didn't get any help from the system either, I contacted support lines and nobody came to save me. But learning more about CPTSD, learning about the varying coping strategies, it just helps to take the edge off sometimes. It's obviously not a cure all, it won't make the immediate threats go away, and you're not going to magically heal from a few books, but every little bit helps.

Have you considered moving out to live with a friend or other relative? Maybe even just looking out for flatmate advertisements in your area, to live with someone who needs help paying the rent.

Regards,
Aphotic.

I appreciate your perspective, but I want to clarify my situation. It's not just about self-help tools; I'm trapped in an environment that's extremely hostile and abusive. Many of my relatives are just as toxic as my immediate family, and I don't have access to safe or supportive people in my life.

Moreover, I'm dealing with untreated chronic illnesses (physically and mentally), which limits my ability to work and earn enough money to cover basic needs, let alone consider moving out. The idea of finding flatmates or moving in with friends is unrealistic for me, given that I don't have anyone in Indonesia who would be willing or able to do that. Most people I encounter here tend to be deeply ingrained in ignorance, misogyny, and abusive behavior.

While I understand the intention behind your advice, it's important to recognize that suggesting simple solutions like moving out ignores the complexity and severity of my circumstances. I've tried to engage with support systems, but they've largely failed me. The strategies and tools you mentioned might help on some level, but they don't change the fact that I'm living in an abusive situation without immediate escape options.

Thank you for your understanding.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Unfortunately without knowing your entire story, a lot of our advice will come off as "simple". We don't have any ill intentions by it, but we can only help using the information we have available to us. And even then, as you say, you live in a country that is foreign to many of us - and our advice may not be applicable to your situation. But many of us still want to try and help you, we just do so in whatever way we know, and we of course have no intention of making light of your situation.

I also apologise, because perhaps I misinterpreted the purpose of your thread. The subject was presented in the form of a question, of you asking for advice on surviving your situation - but now I realise your post is more of a vent than a request for advice. I'm sorry you're unable to find any options.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[blueteddy]

Unfortunately without knowing your entire story, a lot of our advice will come off as "simple". We don't have any ill intentions by it, but we can only help using the information we have available to us. And even then, as you say, you live in a country that is foreign to many of us - and our advice may not be applicable to your situation. But many of us still want to try and help you, we just do so in whatever way we know, and we of course have no intention of making light of your situation.

I also apologise, because perhaps I misinterpreted the purpose of your thread. The subject was presented in the form of a question, of you asking for advice on surviving your situation - but now I realise your post is more of a vent than a request for advice. I'm sorry you're unable to find any options.

Regards,
Aphotic.

I appreciate that you're trying to help, but I want to emphasize how frustrating it is to hear advice that often feels disconnected from my reality. The advice I've received often feels oversimplified and doesn't take into account the complexities of living in a system that is not supportive or understanding of my circumstances.

While I understand that your intentions are good, it's important to recognize that, for many of us, just hearing platitudes or general suggestions can feel invalidating. My post was indeed more of a venting of my frustrations than a request for advice, and I hope that's understood.

Living with CPTSD, especially in a context where mental health is often stigmatized, is incredibly isolating. I often feel like my struggles are minimized or misunderstood. I'm just looking for a space where I can share my experiences without feeling like I need to defend or explain them to others.

Thank you for your understanding.