Milestone BD

[Phoebes]

I got an invite to NM's milestone BD coming up. From SD. I'm confused because last year he texted me that she "let me go for good." (Which she said was MY wish, which tells me the narrative hasn't changed.) I know I am not crazy in knowing she has not and never will change. My feelings are completely numb after a lifetime of this. Almost to the point I could go because I just don't give a flip anymore.

I guess the logical thing would be not to go. Something within me questions if I should throw caution to the wind and go, or reach out and test the water. It's so ridiculous. Part of me doesn't want to leave my sister to deal with her alone for the rest of her life. One point of contention was NM would always make comments indicating she expected me to take care of her through her old age.

Then part of me wants to respond (to SD) with the actual truth. The truth he doesn't know because he belivesnNM's sob story. It's 130 am where I am and I just can't sleep. The big day is SOON. I wasn't expecting an invite and I guess it has me pondering. What's best for me, what would be easiest, would there be a chance she could at least pretend to be different?

Then I spoke to En/ND the other day and he still says things like forgive and forget, it's in the past. All the shallow dismissive and oh so enabling stuff..I kind of blew up at him and said nothing had changed so why does he want to go back to my lifelong abuser.

I think a struggle I have is I have become almost entirely alone 100%. I've lost any umph I used to have. What's the point in going or not going. But, if there's an inkling of a chance things could be different. God I sound like an alcoholic talking myself into drinking (also something I've done.) I guess I don't feel good either way. I haven't really experienced the positive life changes I thought I would by now. Still not at peace.

[Phoebes]

I think I already know my own answer. I guess that text stirred up some discombobulation after En/ND's comments recently. I do wish it were all different. But it's not.

[Hope67]

Hi Phoebes,
Just sending you support for whatever decision you make, in regards to that text.   
Hope

[NarcKiddo]

I would find that very unsettling. It's good that you are thinking through the ramifications of whatever you decide, and that you are recognising strands of your thought process that might be rooted in desire rather than fact.

My own NM has a milestone birthday coming up. Since I am in contact and don't plan to be the one who changes that I have no choice but to go, but the fuss she is making is bleuuuuurrrrrghghghghg.

I hope you feel safe and comfortable with whatever you decide to do in the end. Of course it is your decision. But of all the factors you are weighing up, my view is that the option that you think is best for you is probably the one to concentrate on most before you make your decision. Best is not always easiest, which is why I make the comment, although easiest can sometimes be best, too.

[Phoebes]

Thank you for that vote of confidence and support, Hope 

Narckiddo, I can imagine the fuss. I kind of chuckled when I read that because not long ago En/ND made the hugest fuss about his own birthday and celebrated it FOUR times! Posting all to FB. It was weird.

They make a huge deal and place everything on these birthdays. Never mind every day of the year! If you don't do x,y,z on a birthday, it's major drama time. I think it comes down to control.

For a few years she sent me a card on my birthday. I would at first feel conflicted as to whether to open it, disrespected she uses my bd to cross boundaries, and then when I did read the card, mind-f*ery ensued. So I was relieved to not get a card last year.

It's all very conflictual though because I think I understand now how profoundly mentally ill she is, which is why I think I always had the intuition she could unalive me.

She old and feeble now, and I have heard certain people having been able to have a minor better relationship in old age (like Lisa A. Romano if you happen to follow her). I know they get worse with time and age, but it seems she has less fire and wherewithal..could be wrong. I saw her at my sister's wedding and she pretty much ignored me. Yay!

Anyway, I don't know what's right on this one..yet..even after a long time of NC I still think about all this stuff way too constantly. Maybe if it were less important, less conflictual, less of a thing at all, it would be best..or maybe moving abroad is best..

[Blueberry]

I haven't really experienced the positive life changes I thought I would by now. Still not at peace.

I'm sorry you're going thru this atm Phoebes. It's all so difficult...

fwiw it has certainly taken me a while to experience a better life w/o FOO. I'm very Low Contact with FOO and since one of my boundaries is: no phone calls unless it's an emergency, where I've also detailed what an emergency is and is not (!) and my elderly parents are no longer capable of emails and letters, I don't hear from them. I used to when they could email and make it to the post office, but no longer. I get occasional emails from my sibs about family admin. That's it. As I say, it's taken a long time, but I am feeling more at peace with the situation and there has been a change for the better within me. Sometimes I do grieve and mourn not having a FOO, or as my old T used to say: you have a FOO in-name-only. That sometimes makes me very sad or feels hurtful and those feelings can go on for quite a while - weeks even, but it has got a lot better. I hope it develops that way for you too.

I didn't go to the last milestone BD I was invited to by a parent when they were still capable of sending an invite. They really don't get it, but that doesn't mean I have to put myself in harm's way again. But what's right for me isn't necessarily right for you.

Standing with you however you decide.

[Phoebes]

Thank you Blueberry 

I've been up and down about it but with each realization I know I'm not in the wrong for staying away. However I have realized that I had major Stockholm syndrome/trauma bond. And I wonder if that keeps me a little tethered still. I was deeply conditioned to feel sorry for my mom, by her and my dad, and also by everyone else that any feeling I had was just selfish.

I know all of that is wrong but it's taken a long time to untangle and feel solid in it. I've never had a successful long lasting relationship, no kids, lots of falling out with friends, no dog (which feels the worst honestly)..I guess I'm in a spot where I want something to shift. I don't know what it would be like if I showed up to the party. I don't know how to act if I can't just be honest, and I don't want to fawn, which I would at some point. I just feel really all over the place mentally.

I want to ask my step dad what has changed? The fact he said what he said shows me nothing has. Then again he may have just sent the invite out of obligation anyway.

[Phoebes]

I think I had somewhat of an epiphany last night..I've had this happen before where I saw things differently and felt very calm and at peace..it has more to do with not liking how things have always been, and also not liking the way I feel now.

 Maybe I've become overly invested in resisting and avoiding people who hate me, who misunderstand me. I mean sure you don't want a deep relationship or a real relationship with someone like that, but I've always felt an extreme resistance, like the cortisol rushes through my body and physically burns as I'm in a freeze state.my mother created that, and my dad allowed it..so why allow their existence and personality disorders to keep me frozen.

I know I can work on all this alone as I have been, but I think the missing thing might be my own shut down when I'm around them..I do feel more in my own skin now as evidenced by my standing firm with my dad however hard that was. I know my mom is psychotic so I don't expect her to be otherwise. I don't know that her party is the right place to diffuse my feelings about it, but I need to somehow be different. Maybe I need to focus on other things. I think I have some pretty major personality issues as well..like way overthinking all this.

Maybe there is something to "let it go.." but in a different way than that saying usually hits..

[Desert Flower]

Hi Phoebes,
I'm a little late here but just wanted to let you know I read this thread too and I can totally understand the difficulty of the choices you're making.
And with your last post, you seem to have been doing some deep processing here and making progress. Take care whatever you decide.

[Phoebes]

Thank you desert flower, I truly appreciate that. I'm so glad to have the support of people here. I know this has to be my process and decision but regardless you are my people.