"People your own age"

[AphoticAtramentous]

As a child, it was a phrase I heard so often. "Go talk to people your own age", "you'll develop closer bonds with people your own age", "you'll feel a greater support from those your own age". But despite how many times it was repeated, I never resonated with the advice.

At school, I couldn't relate to anyone in my class. Our struggles were entirely different, as they worried about schoolwork, I worried about my life. I would be forced to go to church, forced to attend the "kids" session, as they learned more about God, I learned how to make the kids avoid me. I would be forced to attend Friday night youth sessions, as they played games with each other, I played with my imagination. My M personally declared me as anti-social, and to "fix" me she would just constantly force me into social situations. I'm sure M had good intentions, but obviously it didn't work out. Simply put, these kids were nothing like me, I couldn't relate to any of them in any way.

Even now, I'm past being a young adult, and yet I still don't relate to people my own age. I keep getting this nagging feeling that I'm supposed to enjoy my time with people my age, so sometimes I join online communities catered more towards my age range. But every single time, I just end up feeling even lonelier. I feel no connection whatsoever, I feel no relation, no sympathy. Even if I talk to someone my age who has experienced trauma, I still don't feel anything. I can understand not relating to a similar-aged adult, but not even to similar-aged adults who might have similar experiences to me? I'm trying to figure out why, but nothing is coming to mind at the immediate moment.

Instead, I end up relating more to people who are in their 40s-60s (especially those in this forum). Heck, my current romantic partner is in that age range. They're so much easier to talk to, easier to care about. When I started working full time, despite being the youngest person there, I never felt inferior or behind the others. Weirdly, it was the only time I felt like I was on some kind of equal footing, despite the 10-30 year age differences. I currently work in a senior level position, getting paid the same as those who have 10+ more years of experience than me. It's like I was somehow born an adult, would explain why I was able to get a job so quickly, why I was able to move out so quickly, able to buy my own house.

Although I get along with my coworkers, I do wish I had some more social connections outside of work. But it's just hard to figure out how to do that without being weird. "Hey, I'm 15 years younger than you but I think we should talk more." hah

Anyway, just wanted to rant about that after another failed attempt of connecting with people.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Chart]

Hey Aphotic, I want to suggest that your experience is perhaps more common than you realize. Maybe not with everybody, but certainly with certain "types". I think it is definitely possible to be more "wise" than your age might indicate. (Merlin is said to have lived his life in reverse-time. Knowing the future but clueless about his past.

Anyway, knowing you only here on the forum it's nonetheless clear your "wisdom" is much more advanced.

I find typical younger generation interests completely boring. That being said I do stumble across things that grab me (I listen to Billie Ellish, for example.   )But most of my long-term friends are like you (and me). Maybe it's more a question of interests and what's important to a person than actual age. There are definitely people your age and also similar in trrms of interests. But I think people like that are pretty low-key. Makes sense in a way. Our interests are not too much "self-promotion". Makes it tough maybe to hook up with folks, but I definitely think that when we do its of greater "value" and far more likely to last a long long tome.

[Armee]

Hey Aphotic. I don't know what it's about but I relate a lot.

I do have friends my own age now on account of having kids, some of that just happens naturally.

But my bestest friends in the whole world? They are 70+ year old men. So I don't think the slightly older people in your life would necessarily find it off putting to be friends with you just because you are a little bit younger. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thanks Chart! I think you have a good point about it relating more to interests. I'm sure age still plays a small factor, as age/generation also can affect one's interests in general. But overall it probably boils down to interests; as well as maturity? (Because even if someone my age plays the same game as me or reads the same books, I still probably wouldn't be fond of them if they act immature.)

And although I do try to join communities who have similar interests, perhaps there's still some differences I haven't realised before. Like, I enjoy say... the Harry Potter movies. But I enjoy it in a casual way, and trying to talk to people who are very avid about it would just bore me. So it's not just about the interest itself, but also how interested you are, and how you perceive the interest. And because I'm a moody darkling, the way I perceive a lot of these interests is... different to most.

I dunno if any of that made sense but the logic makes sense to me. Thanks for helping me figure it out a little bit more.

--

Thanks Armee! It's nice to hear you have those close friends. And yeah, I do hope that the older folks don't mind my company in turn. Obviously my partner doesn't mind the age gap so that's a good start.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Desert Flower]

Hey Aphotic, I've been thinking about what you wrote. I cannot relate entirely but I can to the extent of having the feeling as a kid I never belonged with any other kids, feeling like an outsider. And that has to do with (lack of) attachment to our parents I think.

And also, I'm wondering, this 'attraction' to older people/friends, could this be a pattern/result of us having learned to tune in much more to the parents'/adults' wavelength (and because they're not delivering, we keep trying to get what we need from them) then into (other) kids and being playful just doesn't come into the picture until that parental recognition is secured? Sorry if I'm not quite coherent, I'm a little tired. I hope you can follow what I mean. Just a thought.

[Kizzie]

One thing I would add is that being survivors we need to mature faster than others our own age just to survive so that may be a part of it too. And when we're doing things to survive, younger people's interests may seem frivolous or superficial as you've said.

[AphoticAtramentous]

And also, I'm wondering, this 'attraction' to older people/friends, could this be a pattern/result of us having learned to tune in much more to the parents'/adults' wavelength (and because they're not delivering, we keep trying to get what we need from them) then into (other) kids and being playful just doesn't come into the picture until that parental recognition is secured?

I see what you mean there. Definitely could be part of the overall issue, thank you for the insight.

One thing I would add is that being survivors we need to mature faster than others our own age just to survive so that may be a part of it too. And when we're doing things to survive, younger people's interests may seem frivolous or superficial as you've said.

Frivolous and superficial, those are very apt words to describe how it feels... thank you, Kizzie.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Maria S]

That is interesting.

I was not really abused from early age. So I can see the effects of abuse on this in me. Until I was 8, I noticed there was a difference with kids my age. I was sensitive and gifted (how I hate that word) and possibly neurodiverse. Which made me have different interests. I loved to read literature for instance. My mum would forcefully want me to be extraverted (from the best of intentions). But I loved to sit in a corner with a book. I was introverted. I think all this was nature. I still easily made friends my age though. We found each other in play and creativity. I had a bunch of friends in my class.

After the abuse (csa + scapegoating) started at 8. I found it more difficult to connect to anybody. I kind of got locked into myself. Though I made superficial contact. I really could not open up much. I was surviving. I also had social anxiety. I was very scared of rejection if I showed myself. This stifled me. After my kid and I got more badly abused when I was adult...by my ex...and all trauma surfaced. I am reconnecting to pieces of my real self.

Now I notice I like kids and I like old people. But people my age? Not much. Maybe part of me is 8 and part is older than my age. And I pick my friends accordingly.

I work with kids and connecting to that genuine and playful side is very healing. I am retrieving my old self there. They are without mask. But my friends now are mostly old and traumatised. I am 40-ish. A  friend just died: a 90-ish Jewish world war 2 survivor.

I cannot easily connect to people my age. Especially if they are neurotypical and non-traumatised. I see them superfocused on things that just...cannot hold my interest. I miss the deeper layer I find with my own friends. And I do not feel room to be me. If I'd even tell a fraction of my experiences they would find me terribly weird.

I like the wisdom and calmth of my older friends. They give me peace. And they care less about appearances than people my age.  I'm not really sure why. It just happens. One friend also mothers me a bit. Which replaces the missing family. And I dislike modern western culture. It is superficial. Old people are more connected to older values.

So I kind of get the disconnect.

[ednasurvivalmode]

Thanks for posting this. I often feel this. Is there something about being an outcast in our FOO? Is this because our earliest sense of belonging was practically nonexistent? In search of that safety, do we seek out elders to fill that void of those who should've been our guide?
My closest friend is well over 40 years older than me. I don't drink or party and that cuts down on a lot of people for me.

May we choose to accept ourselves. That would be nice.