Wanting to flee

[MountainGirl]

I'd appreciate any input about this post that people can give. I've been to a couple of therapists over the years, but that was before such a thing as C-PTSD was known. Both were treating me for anxiety and depression.They were of some limited help, but didn't get to the basis of my problems. Two years ago my doctor became concerned with my suicidal ideation and urged me to get a therapist at her HMO. In fact, she called a therapist immediately and asked the woman, N, to come to her office and speak with me. N came immediately, and was so clearly concerned and caring that I was startled. Shocked actually. Someone cares? Wow. That's a surprise. So I did begin with N, cautiously, even though she is 34 years younger than I am. It took months for me to decide to trust her, and her "modality," but she proved herself repeatedly with very helpful insights that have made  sense of my tumultuous life history.  Now she wants me to see someone specifically trained in trauma because she is a "generalist."   She says I have experienced repeated traumas in my life and of course there are consequences to that. Again, Wow. Someone paying attention and actually listening to and thinking about my situation? Wow. She says we can continue as long as her organization will allow, but in addition she wants me to see someone specifically trained in trauma. I will do that I think.   But here is the thing: I now depend on this woman in a way that scares me. She has said that she cares about me, that she is passionate about her work and clients, and I have seen that is true. So I want to continue - but I'm also scared about how much I need her to be there. Sometimes I consider fleeing, canceling the whole thing, but whatever my flaws I'm not stupid. I know this woman has provided me with the best mental health care I have ever encountered. So I probably won't flee. But my affection for and dependence on this therapist  is unnerving. I don't want to talk to her about this though. I find it embarrassing to be so emotionally dependent on another person. Have other people encountered this situation, and if so, how did it unfold?

Thanks for any feedback folks can give.

[Armee]

Oh gosh of course! Intensely. What helped honestly is something a therapist shouldn't say but did (and of course isn't true but the intention matters): "you've got me until one of us dies."

It allowed me to know he wasn't going to open Pandora's box and then leave me broken. It helped me know he'd help me sort thru things and not leave me worse off.

I think your T is saying about the same thing. Go to a specifically trained therapist and as long as I am allowed you have me, too. It is important to have someone trained in trauma.

But anyway...the other part of your question...how did that neediness resolve? It softened over time as healing took place. There's a level of desperation involved in treating trauma. We found ways to cope with it that aren't exactly healthy. You have to dismantle those but also build up new ways. And that in-between stage is scary and we DO need our therapists to be there for us. Otherwise it is this big gaping chasm of terror. Now that I have most of my symptoms under decent control I don't feel such a desperate clinging need for my T.

I still need him to help me of course, I'm not ready to leave. But it isn't horrifying to think about him not being there. I'd be OK if something happened and I needed a different therapist or something. So I'm just saying...it's normal for complex trauma to feel this way, it makes sense, it is not wrong, you can talk about it or not, it will eventually not be so engulfing, when you are further healed. 

Your T sounds fantastic and caring. I hope she helps you find a new great trauma T too.

[Kizzie]

But anyway...the other part of your question...how did that neediness resolve? It softened over time as healing took place.

Armee has said it so well.  We are typically desperate for care, safety, nurturing and validation lets be honest and that's OK, we're survivors of trauma.  Relational trauma (IMO) requires relational therapy to heal so I would not be embarrassed or whatever because you feel as you do about her. She is from what you've said a therapist who has adopted a relational approach so she knows this connection happens and that you would fear the loss of her. Should you feel safe enough to bring it up at some point I suspect she will respond in a caring manner to set you at ease and help you transition to a trauma therapist.

[MountainGirl]

Thank you Armee and Kizzie. OK, so I'm not unusual in this way. I didn't think so but I've never had such a very useful and productive relationship with therapy before so I wasn't sure about my reaction to all this. Yes, she does believe that the relationship is central to healing. And I do feel less panic about my dependence on this woman because I can see how  healing would lessen that dependence. So thank you for the replies. They are helpful.

[Chart]

MountainGirl, I second what Armee and Kizzie wrote. I've been alone all my life with my trauma. Dozens of therapists, some very caring, but none trauma experienced, so they never really helped me in the way that I needed. But this past summer I unexpectedly stumbled upon a woman who not only understood exactly what I'd experienced, she worked intensely with me, spending three hours with me and still just counting it as an hour... sessions every two days for over a month. When I complained about the guilt I was feeling she simply told me she cared about me and truly wanted to help me. She also made it clear this was her "choice" and I didn't have to feel guilty about the additional time. It cracked my heart in two... truly someone who understood and cared about me... this does exist. I'd never felt that. It gave me a sense of myself I'd never felt before. It was incredibly healing and inspired me to push myself into healing steps that were very hard.

There ARE good people out there. My hope (and dream) is to one day "give back" to others what my current therapist is giving to me.

[Dalloway]

MountainGirl, I can relate to this topic very much. My T is the third that I have, the first one was really horrible, she didn´t care about the impact of her words on me, she was dismissive and very arrogant. Going to her was one of the worst experiences in my life. Unfortunately, in my country there is not very much awareness of mental health issues and the importance of their treatment, so basically everyone can become a therapist/psychologist without proper training, they need just an academic title. The second T was much better, she was caring and kind, but didn´t really have much time and space for discussing my issues in a deeper way (she was paid by the state, as most of the therapists in my country, so she had lots of clients). She´s now on maternity leave, so she´s not available anymore. After trying and failing to find someone new, this February I finally found a therapist with whom I meet twice a month. She´s great, super caring and kind and knows very much about CPTSD and childhood trauma. I never felt more understood than when I´m with her. She was the first person ever telling me that it´s okay to be angry with my abusive mom and also she was the first to ask me if I´m OK and if I´m able to leave after I cried during a session.

Sorry for the long introduction, but I wanted to highlight the importance of a good therapist in someone´s life and the difference they can make in the healing process of someone with CPTSD. After those episodes of her display of affection I felt very uncomfortable. I never experienced unconditional love and caring, so I couldn´t handle it. Also, because of my history of trauma, I interpreted her behavior and my response to it as weak and pathetic, as something unacceptable. But luckily I´m now conscious enough to recognize those patterns of thinking and reacting that make me feel weak and pathetic for having feelings and needing help and care, so I know that receiving and giving love and kindness is perfectly acceptable and normal and not something I have to feel shame about.

I understand that it can be scary to feel emotionally dependent on someone, especially when it´s not your relative or partner or anyone close to you, but I think that it´s great that you have a T you can rely on this much. So I wish you that this mutually respectful and loving relationship lasts and also that you together find a trauma specialist matching her qualities.

[MountainGirl]

Thank you Chart and Dalloway. Your replies are encouraging and helpful. I guess I need to learn to accept the caring that others offer, such as your therapists offered you both. There ARE competent and caring professionals out there as you and I have seen.  But it is very strong, this recoil I feel when someone is caring or kind. But learning how to defuse that is one of the points of therapy I guess. So I'll deal with it and hope to overcome it - it's what I do, I deal. Thank you again for your encouraging stories. I'll keep them in mind as I proceed down this rather scary road.

[Chart]

 
 

[Dalloway]

 

[Papa Coco]

Mountaingirl,

I have the personal opinion that the biggest reason we have CPTSD is because we were born to be part of a loving social fabric, and instead were raised to feel alone and unwanted.  We are lonely people.

I remember only 3 adults from my entire childhood of age 0-14 who treated me respectfully. And with two of those people I only felt it in one conversation with them. But I bonded with them over that one time that they saw me and I wasn't just some stupid kid to them. I grew up remembering that one thing an adult said to me that made me feel like a human being. I connect with people quickly if they show me that they see me.

I saw 6 bad therapists over 15 years before I met T. He's been my good Therapist now since 2004. He's 74. I'm 64. He swears he has no intention on ever retiring, but I know that a day is coming when he'll get too old, or one of us will die. But for now I have him, so I don't move away from the area in part because I don't want to move away from him.

But I'm starting to find that there are other good trauma therapists coming up through the ranks now. CPTSD is becoming a real word, and trauma therapists are learning how to help with it. So if I have to find another therapist after T and I separate, I feel confident I will find one who can earn my trust as deeply as T did.

So that's my theory. It's my deep desire to connect with others, combined with my fear of connecting with others that keeps me at a state of cognitive dissonance confusion. When I connect with someone, I know how precious that connection is and I want to protect it and keep it going for as long as I can for fear that I may never find a connection like this one again. It's part of the loneliness and the abandonment anxiety that has been with me since the beginning.