Where to now?

[Secondchance]

Hi

I looked and was shocked that it was early August when I wrote as a newcomer. Where has that three months gone? Therapy I guess, as it has taken up most of this time.

I woke up to reality in February recovering from Christmas with my now understood narcissist scapegoat abusive family ie my (golden child) brothers lot. It was rushing in, that a bad situation was way worse than I thought and had been wrecking my life until then.

My mother had been a narcissist I am sure and my father not much better.

So I asked the mental health team for therapy for it and began the long wait. I saw a young therapist about four months later and really liked her. However she said she was still a trainee and my case was too much for her. Pity as she was intelligent and passionate about her work.

So another wait, then an appointment which was cancelled at the last minute (sickness) than another wait. I then had a therapist and telephone calls. She said she was trauma informed but I know now she did not mean complex trauma.

So the sessions went okay I guess because I had no one else to talk to and begin to tell my story. She did not get me or understand what I meant that CBT was not touching the point that hurt. She was flexible though and did not push me. I felt that I was having to educate her a lot and just telling her in the sessions what I had learned from the internet and especially my new book by Dr Russell Kennedy on anxiety which I thought brilliant and which she did not even look at.

Now it is finished and I have to fill a form about the therapy and I don't know how to tell them that listening to podcasts and youtube helped me more.

So now I find that here is a bereavement religious charity that helps those grieving (many members of family including two adult children, a sister, and a grandson) who all died young and tragically.

I felt that grief had been coming up lately for my son and perhaps my body was ready to work through it all at last so that is why I looked into that charity as I had met them on a retreat and they seemed lovely people. I know now that love is the most important thing.

I had a few experiences of it in the past, when I came across some loving people all of whom had some sort of ministry. Just finding people who care touches me deeply. But maybe we need both, the love and the training. So I am wondering which direction to go in.

One way I will not be going is with a national charity for those with family suicides. I rang their helpline and found a man who kept interrupting and not listening to me who dysregulated me till the next day so I saw the danger of not being cautious enough.

[Kizzie]

I think it's important to "listen to your gut" so to speak and if you are ready to deal with your grief by finding and joining a supportive and caring bereavement group then that's a good path to try. You have the death of loved ones to deal with, but also the myriad of other losses survivors suffer because of trauma. That's a lot of grief.   

I hope you find a group that helps

[Secondchance]

Hey @Kizzie

Thanks for the reply.  Sometimes my gut tells me but not at the moment, apart from caution about groups since I worked out the reason I have problems taking part in any group discussion, is due to needing to stay silent from my childhood when it was unsafe to stand out. It means staying out of sight as well.

I remember clearly as a child, wishing that I was born dumb so I would stay out of trouble.

What happens I think is, that the group pick up my discomfort and it makes them tense so the situation gets worse and I butt in, getting the timing wrong, if I speak at all. I tried to explain this to my last T and all she could say was 'well just apologize in the times that you butt in' which was not much help, as it made me feel like, does she not think I thought of that?

[Chart]

Hey Secondchance, sorry you're struggling with the mediocre therapist. So many people, even professionels just don't understand that opening up is just so so hard. Could you request to go back to that first therapist? I hear you about educating our therapists... I've mentioned Pete Walker to dozens of professionals in France (where I live). I'm certain none of them have given it the slightest thought. His book was finally released in a French translation last month. I know of only one person in France who knows about it. We're not out of the woods yet.
 

[Secondchance]

Hi Chart

I don't think I can go back to that T. It's so frustrating isn't it that many do not do their own research and just pump out what they were taught. I am done with the National Health Service and have no fear of doing most of it myself and would so all of it if I had someone to talk to which is why I am trying that charity service from the Catholic church.

Sounds pretty bad in France.

I am overwhelmed anyway as I have late stage Lyme Disease with no medical help. I am using alternative methods but it takes a long time. xx

[AphoticAtramentous]

So the sessions went okay I guess because I had no one else to talk to and begin to tell my story. She did not get me or understand what I meant that CBT was not touching the point that hurt.

I get you there. I think Chart used the right word here, "mediocre". Like, not making things worse, but not making things much better either. And sometimes it does feel like the therapist is just there to vent to rather than actually fix anything. I really wish more therapists would specify exactly what kind of trauma they help with on their bios.

Sorry you've been dealing with this stuff.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Chart]

Secondchance, I'm so sorry to hear about your lime malady. I had a friend who caught that, it's very very difficult. Please keep trying to get good medical care. It's so hard and frustrating. I wish you all the best.
 

[Secondchance]

So the sessions went okay I guess because I had no one else to talk to and begin to tell my story. She did not get me or understand what I meant that CBT was not touching the point that hurt.

I get you there. I think Chart used the right word here, "mediocre". Like, not making things worse, but not making things much better either. And sometimes it does feel like the therapist is just there to vent to rather than actually fix anything. I really wish more therapists would specify exactly what kind of trauma they help with on their bios.

Sorry you've been dealing with this stuff.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Thanks Aphotic. Yes mediocre describes it well, but there was a little negative in that I spent so much time during the week preparing for the session trying to explain succinctly what I had been learning from my research, of which she showed little interest in as it was not in support of CBT. It was only described as a trauma informed therapist and I asked but she had not had trauma herself.

I wonder if it is possible to be helped by people like that.

[Secondchance]

Secondchance, I'm so sorry to hear about your lime malady. I had a friend who caught that, it's very very difficult. Please keep trying to get good medical care. It's so hard and frustrating. I wish you all the best.
 

Thanks Chart. There is little chance of finding help as the lyme literate docs charge so much and it would have to be on Zoom anyway. I am using frequency therapy and hoping I will have success this time round. It is a horrible illness. 

[Secondchance]

Two weeks now out of therapy and I am losing weight.

I must have been overeating during my 8 weeks with the therapist, a sign of stress for me, and now it has stopped. Feeling better overall since it stopped. It makes me wary of looking for another therapist.

[Secondchance]

After Christmas at my nieces, where I was just about shunned, no doubt in return for the withdrawal I have been doing since then, when the reality of FSA hit me, I have been torturing myself with whether I should break contact with my golden child brother and his family.

I thought I would wait but could not go again there for Christmas which has been the main time I have seen them, having been left out of the last wedding.

So I decided that I would just say I could not go but keep it friendly for now, but what excuse could I make? It has tortured me all year till yesterday when I sent a message:

Hey ..... just to let you know that I will not be spending Christmas with you. I am planning on having a quiet day alone but hope you all have a merry Christmas.

I thought I should just say what I was doing. It worked! I got a message back to say if I change my mind come (haha, I was given a plate of food with gluten on even though they know I am GF)

SO relieved that I said what I did!

Sorry I am not joining in much on this forum. I am trying to treat Lyme Disease without help and it takes all of my time and energy to plan it out and use Rife. I am very later stage with it and very ill indeed. The FB support group lost 3 members this year with it.

[Papa Coco]

SecondChance,

I'm so sorry to hear you're dealing with Lyme's!

Congratulations on sending your note and now knowing you are off the hook at Christmas. Being not included in a family wedding is all it would take for me to just walk away from them all. It riles up my anger just reading that they did that to you.

But that's me. I have a hair trigger for leaving permanently when I know I'm not wanted somewhere. I can be a runner, but only when I feel like it's either time to fight for respect or go someplace where respect is given more respectfully. I never want to be where I'm not wanted. I don't fight for myself. If people don't want to treat me with respect, I'm done. Gone. I can make new friends. I went 100% No Contact with my big family in 2010. I was 50. My ONLY regret is that I wish I'd done it 22 years sooner when I was 18.

When I went No Contact with my family, I started joking a bit with people at work. They'd come by my desk to complain about how they have to spend the holidays with their mean parents or their insane in-laws. I'd jokingly blurt out, "I don't!" (Everyone knew I had gone NC with my FOO, so they all got the joke). AND it's a joke steeped in truth. The Holidays are miserable for too many people. When we join in with family because we feel an obligation, are we having a good time? I started inviting friends to TG dinner and I told my peers at work, "Why would I spend holidays with family when I could spend them with people I like?"

Too many of us stress for too long knowing we have to endure our family for a few hours on a holiday. (I sometimes call that "Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder"). You spent a year stressing over this year's Christmas. I'm just very glad you are now off the hook for it this year. I hope you have a stress-free Christmas this year.

[Secondchance]

Thank you so much for that @Papa Coco.

Yes late stage Lyme is a pain, in more ways than one. But I am starting to get on top of it and my 5 autoimmune conditions because of it are easing. My vertigo is gone which was something that really concerned me with the thought of having to give up driving. All down to my new rife device I am sure though it cost me an arm and leg.

Thanks for feeling anger about my family's lack of invitation to the latest wedding, which failed by the way after only two years. I am so pleased to have anger stirring in me from all of the effects of the abuse, including the strong sense of duty towards them and the feeling that everyone else has more right to be alive than myself. 

It feels so wonderful to be gaining freedom.

Good for you that you had the strength to walk away when you did. I am proud of you! I am feeling a a bit of a dread that I will regret not breaking contact sooner. I wanted to cut contact with my mother over 30 years ago but worried that it would embarrass her when others found out. Her welfare before mine.

I may cut contact this coming year when I am more in my skin as it were about this huge change in my life since 'waking up'. I must get Lyme sorted first.

Thanks for the good Christmas wishes! The whole of December used to stress me out beyond belief. I would spend weeks wondering what to buy my mother, no doubt in the hope that she would at last love me! Ha! What sane person would want her love!

Thanks again.

[Secondchance]

 "Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder"

Haha very good!

The worst Christmas I had was when I offered to help on Christmas Day at a local Salvation Army homeless cafe as I was going to be alone.

After the meal, the homeless group of mainly males, all left together, no doubt to get drunk together for the rest of the day. I did not blame them for that. The other helpers left to drive to rejoin their families for the rest of the day, and I went home to an empty flat/apartment, feeling more alone than just about any time in my life.

To top it all, I became very ill after having an exposure of pesticide sprayed in at risk public places to which I am highly sensitive.

I am very pleased you responded to my post, Papa, as I am now reading your recovery journal and am being helped enormously by it, just feeling an identification with someone.

There are many things where we have shared experiences, like being the scapegoat of a narcissistic FOO, schizophrenia in family and suicide (my son at age 31 who was schitzo as well as sister.

There was a big religious influence on me from my immigrant GG's from Northern Ireland though my parents were atheists. I grew up to become a Christian myself at 23 after an encounter with God that changed my life. I have found church to be an unsafe place for people with cPTSD.

I am up to page 4 and will get back to you.     

[Chart]

Hey Secondchance, glad to hear you're having positive results with your lime treatment. I'm spending Christmas alone this year too. It's my ex's year to have the kids. I'll have them next year. I'm linda relieved as it is less stress and pressure. I'll have them at New Year's. We'll just play games and eat. Should be okay.