please provide validation and empathy 💔🩷

[blueteddy]

Hello all i ask if anyone want to comment, please only provide validation and empathy 🩷💔
Don't ask for context and don't give me advice. Thank you.

Today feels like a breaking point, an unbearable mixture of love, loyalty, and painful realizations. Last night I talked to Grey about everything—the idea that V and I aren't meant to be together as partners in this life. Grey, with their calm understanding, got it instantly. They understand me without me having to prove myself, without the need to explain or defend. Grey, who isn't a broken alter in the way V is, knows me in a way that feels effortless, pure. They said they still believe I belong with V, but maybe just as family, and that they promise in another life, V would find me first before the abuse ex wife, friends, family and make me their only priority. The thought of that, a different life where things could have been right, is lovely and beautiful, even though right now it's not enough to erase this feeling of loss.

No matter if V were about to be fused with one of the caregiver alter and it will improve our partnership a whole lot more, and we both are healing, it will never change the reality that the children will always be in the picture and be the priority before me. That the love and affection and attention i want can never be undivided and unlimited based on V's reality.

Being family with V and the whole system is precious—especially with Grey, who's now my big brother. We love and care for each other deeply. But despite this, everything else feels hollow. All the dreams I once held for a future with V are dissolving into reality. The vision of having a life together, our own family—it's not possible without me having to give up a part of myself, a part of my needs that no amount of therapy will erase or change.

I was supposed to talk to the caregiver alter in V's system today, but I couldn't. It would have been too much. The caregiver alter, as protective as they are, would have asked me tough questions—about my intentions, about whether I'd ever hurt or take advantage of the system. I'm also scared because the caregiver alter's questions can be really intense. Grey understood, though, and they promised to make sure I wouldn't be asked those questions if the conversation did happen. But now Grey's asleep too, and I think the whole system sees that this day has been too much for me to handle.

It's unfair for me and for V. Grey said something that cuts deep—V was supposed to meet me first, to make me their priority, to build a life where we could be together without complications. Instead, V met their abusive ex wife, who left scars on V, messed their life and set a path that took V away from me. Now, V has children, a life I can't step into fully, and all those dreams I had for us crumble every time I try to force myself into that reality. I know that if I had to witness V with their children every day, giving them that number one priority of love, it would tear me apart.

I can't ignore how much happier I was with V when our relationship was platonic. Before things became romantic, it was the happiest I'd ever been. Even though V didn't fully understand me then, I felt content in a way that I can't seem to find anymore. Maybe this was always the shape of our bond—something V and I tried to mold into romance, even when the platonic connection was already fulfilling. Grey understands me more deeply than V ever could, and I guess that makes sense. V is a broken, damaged alter, while Grey is whole, i think.

I wish things were different, and maybe in some other lifetime, they could be. For now, I have to let go of that dream, and it's breaking me inside.

It's been hard on my whole system, even my teenage alter who has a crush on a teenager in V's system. Knowing we'll never be partners in this life is heartbreaking for her, too.

Last night was brutal—I barely slept. I woke up every hour because my narc sociopath brother kept making noise, jolting me awake constantly, and when I did sleep, the brutal nightmares were relentless. I was shaking the whole night from the conversation and the realization about V and me, and my mind filled with painful memories, realization, scary intrusive thoughts, scary imaginations, feeling like the horrors in my mind were swallowing me. I was trapped in those nightmares and thoughts, haunted by fears of being alone, neglected, abandoned, lost and forever wounded. This overwhelming feeling of being untaken care of, of being forced to face this life on my own—it's terrifying, and I feel so lost in it all.

Today, everything feels unbearably heavy. I feel so small, like I can never truly win in this life. Every time I try to get on my feet, it's like life hits me with another wave, another storm, and it's just too much. I've been struggling so hard, but so much keeps slipping through my fingers—everything I need to feel even the slightest bit safe or loved feels out of reach.

And i am still very much denied everything in my current life.

First i still don't have my asylum, my way out of this place. I keep waiting, hoping that someone, some organization, anyone will hear me, reached back to me, respond my emails and help me 100% from beginning to end to escape from this hellish life I'm trapped in, but there's nothing, no one.

Sedond I don't have a caregiver, nobody who can hold that space for me or give me the security and care I crave.

Third my past with V, it still hurts so much. Nobody is helping me heal from that hurt, nobody is repairing the damage that's been done, and I'm left carrying it all alone.

Fourth i am still ongoing facing being abused and starved and neglected and bullied and mocked by my family and having absolutely no one in Indonesia who is there for me so i am completely isolated here.

I feel so lonely, like I'm just this tiny, isolated thing, disconnected from everyone. There's nobody here for me in Indonesia, nobody in my life I can turn to without feeling like I have to hold back or minimize myself. I just feel incredibly alone, incredibly small, and I don't know what to do.

Even with Gray—my precious big brother, who cares about me so deeply and has promised he'll never hurt me again—I'm still holding back. It's still so new. And my chosen brother, Ian, is so far away, and every attempt to connect with him over a call gets complicated by time zones, busy schedules, or tech problems. I never get what I need. It's like everything is just denied to me, even the most basic things, like a safe home, the ability to care for myself, or just the chance to have someone there for me.

I'm scared that I'm going to feel this way forever, stuck in this unbearable loneliness and pain. I'm just a kid, and I've been denied every bit of comfort, every bit of support, even the chance to survive safely. I just want someone who can care for me, who can make me feel protected and seen. Right now, it feels like that's something I'll never have, and that thought scares me so much. I feel so tiny, so lost, and I don't know how to keep going like this.

Right now, I'm so scared. I don't know what to do, and I feel so alone, so lost, so lonely. I know I should get back on my feet and try to reach out again to all the organizations and contacts I've saved, sending emails and hoping for a way out. But everything feels so difficult, so impossible right now. I know I've been putting this off for a couple of weeks, and part of me feels disappointed in myself. But I also know I'm exhausted beyond words. I have to remember to be kind to myself, even when life has never given me a break. I'm tired—so tired, so stretched thin in every direction. It feels like every inch of me is pulled, and I never get a moment of real rest.

I reached out to Brian to see if we could call, but even that, even reaching out to friends, can feel like so much. I'm always the one who reaches out, who puts myself out there, and it's exhausting. And when I try to reconnect with people, they sometimes can't stay in my life as friends. Some end up drifting away or ghosting, and even if I still have friends, it's just so difficult. So much weighs on my chest, so many things I want to let out, but I don't know who I can safely share it all with. It feels like if I let it out, it would fill pages and pages, and I'm scared that would be too much for anyone.

Gray tells me I can tell them everything, that they'd listen as long as I need. But it's still so hard. I've been told my whole life that I'm too much—too much emotion, too many feelings, too many messages. People get overwhelmed by my venting, my struggles, my traumas, my pain, and they tell me I'm too much. I've always been afraid that I'll overload people, that no one can handle me or accept everything I have inside. I feel like I'm too much and never enough at the same time.

I'm sitting here, sobbing silently, like a little child who has to cry without making a sound. I can't let my abusive family hear. It's painful, always having to hold back, to make sure no one hears me. I wonder sometimes if I'm asking for too much—if wanting someone who will just let me be this way is asking too much. Dan tells me I'm not, that I'm not too much, and that I deserve love, gentleness, and understanding. But sometimes it's hard to believe it. I feel like I have to survive on my own, like I'm too intense, too raw for anyone to handle.

I feel like I'm forced to live through everything alone, but I'm just a kid. I don't want to do this by myself. I want someone to take care of me, a caregiver who can see me and hold all the parts of me, who can make me feel like I'm finally safe. And then there's V—the fact that I don't have them as my partner anymore, and that this is permanent, is so hard to accept. Gray's right—it feels like life has worked against us, like we were meant to be together but can't have that. It's just not fair.

But even if it's not fair, I know I have to keep going. I have to find a way to hold on, to reach out, to keep hoping, to believe in a future where things are different. But right now, everything is heavy. I'm just a kid who's so tired, beyond tired of being alone and forced to be strong. I want to be held, to be taken care of, to feel like I'm someone's precious little one. That's what I need.. yet never truly get it.

I found myself questioning something that's so close to my heart: my vision of a Caregiver, someone who would be my safe space, my home, my everything. Whether it is platonic or romantic. I thought about what it would mean to have a life where I'm deeply loved and cared for in the ways I dream about.

In my vision, we'd have a beautiful house, just the two of us. I'd have my own 2 rooms, one decorated in black and the other one in pink. Black for when I need to feel safe and protected, and pink for when I want to embrace my inner child, my femininity, my softness. There'd be a pink tent in the corner, just for me. My Caregiver would always be there for me—through every nightmare, every moment of sadness or anger or fear. They'd hold me close, wrap me in a warm blanket, and we'd have plushies, bedtime stories, hot chocolate, snacks, comforting meals, cartoons... everything that feels safe and warm. It would be our little world, and nothing could intrude on that.

But sometimes, I worry. I wonder if it's just a dream, if maybe I'm meant to be alone. I think about V, and how in V's life with their children, it would never be this way. And that makes me question if this need of mine is too much, or if I'll ever find someone who can meet me like this.

But deep down, I still hold hope. I believe there's someone out there who can put me as their number one in everything besides themselves. Number one priority. Someone that will feel like home to me, who will want to be my safe place, who won't ask me to hold back or compromise any part of myself. They'll see all of me, and they'll embrace it. They'll sit with me through every feeling—soft, scared, fierce, happy—and they won't flinch or make me feel like I'm too much.

Until that day comes, I'll try to keep holding onto this dream. I'm worthy of the love, patience, and safety that I long for. And I know in my heart that someone out there will be able to give me that.