Hello!

[HealthyHeart]

Hi!

Thank you to those that have created and support this forum.

I'm in my late 60's and have been looking for help for my mental health issues for many years.

My mother was quite beautiful and had a lovely singing voice and artistic talent.  She felt that she could have been famous if her parents had money.  I was the second child and the second girl.  My mother told me many times how I was supposed to be a boy because she only wanted 2 children. So I was a reminder of how tough her life was.  She would compare my faults to her beauty and laughed when I sang in her presence.  She did the basics of being a parent, but I don't recall her ever interacting with me.  As an adult she once asked me what I did for a living.  She was going to write it down because a neighbour was asking.

My dad became a workaholic alcoholic when I was quite young.  I was interested in the carpentry that he did and I loved to know how everything worked, but I was not allowed to.  He tried to do things such as Sunday drives and camping, but there was no interaction.  Just "sit there, shut up and be happy."  A smack in the back of the head was his way of giving attention.  There were never any positive words in our house only words like stupid, worthless, useless were used.  I was told that if I ever got in trouble with the police, not to waste money on phoning them.  It was not their problem.

I have had two unsuccessful marriages with men that had big egos and bad tempers.  I have always been self-reliant but I'm so lonely and have trouble reaching out to friends for company.

I was lucky that I found a job in a nice collaborative environment and I was able to gain some confidence there.  I spent about ½ of my career there.  I decided to go back to school part time so that I could advance my career but I had to move to a new town and job.  School went pretty well but my ability to thrive and grow in the new work environment did not. 

I hope that this forum will help me to feel less alone and unlovable.  Since I've been on my own after the end of my last marriage, my depression has improved but has never totally gone away.  Like teetering on the edge of a cliff.  Reading Pete Walker helped me to see that a group forum might help me to feel a little better.

[Papa Coco]

HealthyHeart it's very nice to meet you.

Welcome to the forum. You hope to find a place of support, and I hope this forum is that for you. I've been a member for 3 years and have found the support from the beautiful souls on this forum to be invaluable. I hope you find it to be helpful too.  I have nothing but good things to say about the people I've met here on this forum.

I'm sorry to hear of your lonely childhood. Loneliness seems like the most common attribute between us all. I used to say that I believed the world was divided into two teams. I was on one team and everyone else was on the other. I sometimes even think that it wasn't the abuse itself that caused my loneliness, it was that feeling that I was not wanted on this earth. Feeling like I don't belong on your planet with you. Humans are born to be social creatures, and when we feel like we can't join a social body, family, friendship, or whatever, well...that's so unnatural.

Here, we all understand a similar pain, so we are easy to talk to.  I'm glad you found it. I look forward to more interactions.

Welcome!

[HealthyHeart]

Thank you Papa Coco

[AphoticAtramentous]

Welcome to the forum HealthyHeart, I like the name.

I sympathise with your struggles in loneliness.  I hope maybe you'll feel a little bit of company from your time here, but I know it's not quite the same as actually having a friend you can rely on. Nonetheless, we are happy to listen to whatever you need to get off your chest.

Randomly, the telling of your experiences helped me recover a valuable memory so genuine thanks for that.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Chart]

Welcome Healthyheart, I know and feel much of what you have described. I am sorry for your experiences with unloving parents. I'm struggling daily with abandonment depression. But slowly slowly working through it. Sending hugs and support if that's ok.
 

[Pangur]

Hello HealthyHeart, and welcome.

I can relate to a great deal of your story and send you a warm hug.  Late 60s also, self-reliant, lonely and find reaching out difficult.   That's slowly changing.  Really glad you made it to the forum.  I hope you will find comfort, support and companionship here.

Warmest

Pangur

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Heathy Heart.  As Pangur said, glad you made your way here and I hope you find the support and connection you need. We are all anonymous but it's still meaningful and comforting IMO that we can finally speak our truth here and members get it and don't judge, invalidate or do whatever negative things we've experienced with telling anything to non-survivors.