Post-Traumatic Growth Journal

[SenseOrgan]

Thanks Papa Coco & sanmagic7
I love the analogy with the clogged pipe.   It's messy and unpleasant work, but it's really good once it's done. I forgot to mention that I get stuck in completely rigid positions too. Like my body is a statue. When it shifts into these specific movements, it's really liberating. I imagine it looks quite strange and possibly disturbing, but that's not what it feels like. Even though the tension can be painful on a physical level, the overall feeling tone is more like "finally". It just flows on it's own. It's like nothing else I've experienced before.

And yeah, sanmagic7, I too feel like my entirety is wrapped up in this trauma. That's why I'm so grateful I've finally found a way to work with a therapist on such deep levels. 

[Papa Coco]

SenseOrgan,

Wow. I'd love to learn more about the rigid freezing that your body does. Saying that it is liberating makes me want to know more about it.

I've been exploring my visions of the dark void. I learned yesterday that the void is not about death and fear, but about peace and quiet and a chance for self-reflection. My body doesn't freeze like yours does, but when my therapist helped me to step into the void yesterday, I felt a similar release. For the moments I was in the dark void, I felt nothing. I had no thoughts or emotions. It was like a time to rest and just exist for a few minutes. Like I was a pre-verbal infant simply being held by a caring adult. When I came out of the void and opened my eyes to report to him my experience, (thinking it was bad that I'd dissociated), he said, "That sounds peaceful." Instantly, my perspective changed. A lifetime of fearing the void, thinking it was my death coming for me, has shifted from dark to light. I now know that it's not about death and loss, but about the absolute sense of peace and rejuvenation. That's a game-changer for me.

Now I'm curious how the dark void in me and the statue-like freezing with you are similar versus how they differ.

It's very cool. I'm glad you shared it when you did. Perfect timing for me to read that.

Cheers!

PC

[Chart]

I'm thinking out loud here... So much of attachment trauma is about looking at something that makes absolutely no sense and with absolutely no love to help us face it. I think looking at my biological father when I was a baby was the exact same experience as looking into a black hole. Here's a thing that could swallow me whole... once past the event horizon, there's no coming back... zero love to pull me back. All parents are Voids to babies, then Love enters and fills that space... or that's what's supposed to happen. When the Love is not there, we have no choice but to recoil and frantically search around for something to hold onto. Since there's nothing to hold onto, we shut off. Heck, we don't even realize we have arms and hands capable of holding on...

SenseOrgan, your description of your therapy session is very pertinent to me. I'm struggling (in my mind) with my feelings around my therapist and and full of fear of losing her, while also feeling strong feelings of rejection and shame. The intensity of my feelings are clearly my trauma, but it has been so very very very hard to even move a few inches beyond those feelings. I finally sent a text yesterday and scheduled an appointment by video conference Saturday morning. I'm projecting into the future, but I identify very strongly with what you described in your therapy session. Thank you very much for sharing that, it is VERY helpful.
 

[SenseOrgan]

Papa Coco
That sounds like a big shift! A game-changer indeed. Will you be looking forward to going into the void from now on?

There isn't much I can add about the statue thing. It's something which happened only during PSIP. Every session thus far, when we start selective inhibition (SI). Actually, I don't have to inhibit much. I just focus on my bodily sensations and emotions. At some point the autonomic nervous system takes over. It's all a bit blurry now, but I think what happens is that my body does this statue thing first. It's rigid tension which builds in this fixed position. The central spot is the back of my neck. Than that spot starts to move my head in distinct patterns and off we go. Before I know it my whole body is involved. Those movements feel liberating. It's reminiscent of finally being able to stretch after a long time in an uncomfortable position. I can't say I go to a peaceful and quiet place when this happens. The tension in my neck is painful, which isn't pleasant. I just keep focusing my attention on it. Meanwhile I'm basically just witnessing what's happening, feeling tired from the exercise that it is and being mesmerized by the process. The last two times I was fully present. It comes in waves. Between the waves nothing much is happening.

Chart
I think at this age, the sense of inside and outside is still developing. That void possibly becomes you, which must be beyond terrifying. "Nothing to hold on to" is something I've said many times when trying to convey the experience of an EF to a friend (before I even knew about EF's). Perhaps the place of love is filled with dissociation if you happen to start out life in a hostile environment. Whatever happens during those early days, it shapes our whole life.

On the positive side, it's rather hopeful we can still interact with those little ones who are still alive in us. When you add psycholytic doses of psychoactives to the therapeutic space, you have a potent healing modality to work with. There's something to popping open the hood like that, and going into the scary places, this time with a safe other. Often literally there to hold your hand. The traumatic feeling tone of what happened to us takes on a different quality when there's somebody there with you. It transforms the meaning of the scary thing itself, because the aloneness is such an integral part of it. At least in my case.

Thanks for sharing how reading my account is helpful to you. I highly value the recognition I get from reading what you share elsewhere on the forum. It's just so validating to see other people struggling with the same intense stuff. Seeing this play out in PSIP sessions with clients has also helped normalizing this for me. That's really different from reading about it or hearing somebody speaking about it afterwards. You just see a kid struggling with this impossible attachment ambivalence, only in an adult body. Just like you and I do. Big hug from kiddo to kiddo 

[SenseOrgan]

Gosh. It's a hard day today. I woke up early and with the usual "paralyzing tension" in my limbs. Waiting in vein for that to get a bit better so it would be easier to drag myself out of bed, I started getting really frustrated. I remember when this phenomenon started. That's decades ago now. My life has revolved around trauma one way or another. I do a lot of things right, consistently. I exercise, eat right, meditate, stay constructive and what not. I've thrown everything but the kitchen sink at it besides that. The net result of all this hard work is nothing I can enjoy or build on. It's empty treading the water like this, year after year. It takes enormous effort to not slip into a black hole. That's not an accomplishment I can look back on with any kind of satisfaction, even though it's my life's work.

I know cultivating this victim mentality isn't helping in any way. Today I've just had it with this trauma ruling my life on every level. For once, I just want to wake up as a person having an honest chance to build something up. Not even for the result itself. Simply because that feels a lot better to be working on.

This chronic sleep disorder is a significant factor in what messes me up every night. I guess part of my frustration is that I still seem to have the potential for something on better days and not at all on worse days. I never know what I'm going to get. So I can't rely on me. On better days I can see how life could be better if it would continue like that. But it never does. That makes it hard to write myself off and accept my fate. This is not a clear cut disease/condition I'm dealing with. Perhaps I'm just delusional believing I might have a chance of a better quality of life. It is much better than it was even seven years ago. And it's still rough.

[Desert Flower]

Hey SenseOrgan, I'm sorry you're feeling so rough. This sounds like an EF to me. And maybe a temporary setback from all the hard work you've been doing. It's just hard sometimes. I know it's so frustrating when we're feeling this way and we're thinking nothing will ever work. But I do think it will get better. And this feeling will pass like it did before. And I believe there will be better days. But for now, maybe you could give yourself a break and take it easy? I hope you feel better soon. Sending you lots of support     

[sanmagic7]

The net result of all this hard work is nothing I can enjoy or build on. It's empty treading the water like this, year after year.

i can so relate, senseorgan. too many years of this, like 39.  it's wearing for sure.  i hope you can just hang in there - i think it's really positive that things are better after 7 years, tho, that you can recognize that.  it lends hope for the future, no?

all i can say is keep up the good work. love and hugs

[SenseOrgan]

Desert Flower, sanmagic7
Thank you guys! It's so good to have your support. Something good came out of this bad day already! 
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From what I remember, the times I had tried TRE it wasn't a great success. In fact, I never incorporated it into my daily routine and forgot about it. It looks like it has gotten quite popular, so inevitably it got on my radar again. Since I'm having such a bad day and I'm so frustrated about the sleep disorder messing up my life, I decided to give it another go. I watched a video, grabbed a mat, and got to it. The first two minutes in the first holding position were doable. Nothing happened. The second position was a lot harder to hold. The trembles did start and I decided to not overdo it and go back to the easier position. That was not enough. The trembles stopped. So I pushed a bit further with the second holding position until the trembles got really going. They continued when I got to the easier position, and an even easier position. It was going on it's own.

The trembles were in my legs first, and soon the area just above my tailbone got heavily involved (I don't know the anatomical terms). Intense contractions. My back arching in response. My whole body was involved, yet the main action was in the area above the tailbone. Reminiscent of what happened during PSIP, but in a different area now.

While this was going, I spontaneously shed some tears. Wow. Pretty awesome that happened due to the exercise. I also had an insight about trust. As a kid, I definitively would have thought this was not going to work with me specifically. An odd thing to think. Because of the lack of support and a sense of safety and belonging, it felt as if life was against me. I went through it without shock absorbers. Things hit me full force. I don't trust life to turn out alright. That's a very hard conviction to combine with relaxation and joy.

The worst of that is over. My mindset changed significantly over the years. Yet not all of it. Today was a good example of this resentful mindset re-emerging. God knows how much tension from all those years is stuck in my system. It seems like a good idea to incorporate TRE into my daily routine. Somewhere before going to bed seems like a plan. I feel hints of deep relaxation now. I want more of that! If I can carry any of that into my sleep, that would be really good.

With regards to C-PTSD in general, I once told a friend I suspect a bunch of my mystery issues would clear up once I find a way to actually relax. Over time, an organism stuck in a high stress state, just can't help but fall apart in all sorts of ways. We're not made for that. The longer it takes, the more starts to give. AND VICE VERSA. There is neurological wiring involved, which makes it complicated. I do suspect at least a part is reversible. The same neurology can be regulated or dysregulated, that I experience almost daily. Dysregualtion is something else as being broken.

[sanmagic7]

holding tension in the body speaks loudly to me, senseorgan.  i'm glad you were able to find some sort of relaxation in the end.  i think that's really important in getting to sleep.  those old messages about trust and safety have a difficult time leaving us, for sure.  keep going!  love and hugs

[SenseOrgan]

sanmagic7
Yeah, the body keeps the score, right? No sleep, no nothing. Restorative sleep would be a game changer for many here, I guess. Thus far the TRE hasn't had a noticeable effect on my sleep. I'm shifting the time of day when I do it, so I can enjoy a bit of the relaxation (I usually have no problem falling asleep). Love and hugs for you too 

[SenseOrgan]

A friend came back from a long journey. She told me she doesn't want to follow or talk about the news, because it stresses her out too much. Not the first friend to take this measure. It got me thinking it would be good for me too, since the breakneck speed of horrific events on the world stage has definitely been undermining my stability. It's been downright frightening. Watching the news of the day before has long since been my breakfast companion. I know, it's horrible. Lately I feel like this sets the tone for the day, and if I'm not careful I'm digging deeper during the day in an attempt to make sense of what's happening. That usually gives me some peace of mind. Not in this case.

Even though I'm a part of this world and don't want to retrieve further into my cave (on the contrary), it seems like the right thing to do for the time being. There's something I really don't like about looking away though. I guess staying informed is part of my survival strategy. That's been coming at a high price lately. It has been affecting my mental health big time.

I started not watching the news in the morning (or at all) today. It's disconcerting how uneasy I am about it. I've noticed many impulses to check the website. Apart from a survival strategy, I was clearly filling up loneliness and the emptiness of a life on disability before. Watching the news was only half an hour of my day, so technically it's not a big change. But routine is part of my coping mechanism. Now it seems even more of the void is blasting through.

[dollyvee]

SO, I hope you're finding some relief dealing with the void. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be connected to the outside world.

Like you, I am appalled at what is happening in the world, and the lies, gaslighting, and corruption going along with it that a lot of people are seeming to ignore. I watched a video by Sam Seder and these people are not living in reality, and facts don't seem to matter any more. But I do think there are people out there that recognize that and it's woken up something in me to fight and stand up.

Sending you support,
dolly

[SenseOrgan]

dollyvee
The void gets excruciating from time to time. Yesterday was such a day. A chronic sleep disorder plays a significant part in that. I took a benzo last night in the hopes to have a better day today. That payed off very well. I had a good day today, thank you.

It's very important to keep your inner fire burning. Hooray for tapping into that! It's a delicate balance with C-PTSD. In my case I need to prioritize my mental stability at the moment. It's starting to feel a bit empowering to be even more strict in how I allocate my attention. I can't afford an amygdala hijack being sneaked in via the utter madness on the news every single day now.

[dollyvee]

Hey SO,

That's great about your sleep and hope that it continues for you.

Yes, it's good to prioritize your mental health. For me, I'm thinking along the lines of Bernie Sanders btw and there's some hope in how he approaches things over the terror of the news. Perhaps there is a part of me that wants connection over disconnection after all.

Sending you support,
dolly

[SenseOrgan]

dollyvee
Thank you. "Connect or perish" was my motto for a while. It still kinda is :-) I hope you'll hold on to connection. We're all in this together. Also "the others".   
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This morning I woke up just before the alarm. I did not feel like a trainwreck. Outrageous. Even more so because I had trouble falling asleep.

I recalled a part of a dream. It was a bit scary, but I was actually relating to the people I encountered. A whole bunch of cousins and their kids I'd never seen before or barely remembered. With the vaguery of a dream poured over it. The significant part of it was that I was relating to them on a human to human level, despite it being a bit scary. Normally, I relate to a lot of what I encounter in my dreams (if I remember anything at all) strictly as a threat. Even though I don't often end up in mortal danger in my sleep very often anymore, threat is persistent.

It's fascinating to see my new therapy starting to manifest in my dreams. In a positive way this time. It's very scary for me to relate under the influence of psychedelics and to be so exposed and vulnerable while in primary consciousness. The vital part is that it happens in a safe, relational container though. It's great to see I'm slowly internalizing a bit of that.

I'm in ketosis for close to two weeks. I mainly started it because of a potential autoimmune disorder that was flaring up. I remember it cleared up after seven months in ketosis, years ago. In addition, I was hoping to get some mental stability, as I recall from previous times.

I'm not disappointed on both fronts. I'm pretty far from emotionally stable. Multiple reasons. And yet I clearly experience this quiet of some sorts. I had forgotten how it feels to be in ketosis. This is very welcome. What I did not consider this time, was to get more energy. I think my mitochondria are more happy now. It was surprising to notice I could continue functioning, even after a really bad night. What really surprised me, is that I spontaneously decided to take on a project that I had no energy for in the past year or so. Very physical. Hours of digging and such. I finished it in a day.

This keto part is as wonderful as it is sad. I have spent an ungodly amount of time looking into health in the broadest sense of the word. The topic is insanely complex and nuanced. I do not believe keto is the be-all and end-all answer, nor do I want to commit to it long term.

C-PTSD, and in particular the sleep component, is what's been messing everything up. It's been an important driver behind my despair that no single doctor, book, podcast, lecture, or article from whatever sleep expert was ever about what I deal with. It looks like that just changed. I have discovered a book which I think I've been waiting for. I don't expect any easy solutions, if any at all. Right of the bat, it's just a much deeper and comprehensive take on this multifaceted beast of a challenge. It looks at the interplay between trauma and sleep from an angle I haven't come across before. It is written for therapists and it's a bit academic, so not everyone's cup of tea I guess. If anyone's interested, see here.