Post-Traumatic Growth Journal

[Chart]

Overwhelm. And the seemingly slightest shift sends me spinning. Nothing bad. Thanks for reminding me of this artist.

[SenseOrgan]

Sorry about that Chart! Sending you a big hug 

[Chart]

Thanks SO. Back atcha.

[SenseOrgan]

I was really starting to dread traveling to a foreign country for therapy. The nights and the days were relentless in the EF. I don't know what emotional age I regressed to, but I was incredibly vulnerable, lonely, and desperate. Due to the madness at night, I was falling apart. I could not envision myself going through customs and all that stuff and navigating my way through a foreign place. It has become triggering like it hasn't before. Just those ingredients alone. Even though I wasn't planning on abandoning the plan, it was starting to look ominous. I don't think I've ever been so scared for a therapy in my life. I'm really scared for what's coming. That hasn't changed. Tonight I had another scare over it. Somewhere between waking and sleeping.

Much to my surprise and relief, my sleep started to behave. This was the beginning of another mode, which has already lasted six days now. I omitted the benzo's without any problem. The despair and loneliness have largely moved to the background. I do however, feel seriously socially anxious. I'm scared to be seen, especially by the neighbors. Yesterday I had to take care of some stuff in the city center. It took ages for the person who was helping me. I had to wait there while she was doing her thing. She messed up a couple of times, which eventually started to increase my anxiety. All I wanted was to get out of there ASAP. My stomach was in a knot, and I was fawning all over the place. It was a significant stress response to something trivial. I watched it happen and tried to stay as calm and outwardly unfazed as possible. A tiny reminder of how life used to be when I couldn't retrieve into my bunker.

Nine more days to bridge before I go. I hope I can continue like this, so I'll feel robust enough to take the jump. It's good to intervene in any case. I can't continue as is.

[Armee]

 

Travelling definitely adds another layer of difficulty to navigate on top of all the EFs that will be brought up. Hopefully you'll get a clear answer as to whether it's worth the risk to do this as you get even closer to the date.

My own experience travelling for a therapeutic experience was for sure a mixed bag.

And oh boy do I know that EF feeling you described waiting and just desperately needing to get out of there. It's a terrible ominous feeling. 

I'm glad things are settling a little bit at least in the sleep department.

[Chart]

A sneaking suspicion... we've existed decades with cptsd... when Everything goes wrong, we know it, repeat. When certain patterns stay the same, while others seem to start breaking, it means something. EVERYTHING can't all start going right, not at once. Impossible. But while much remains the same, there are « hints ». And these little signs are life preservers... you are afloat, and will stay afloat. Let it go now... I am terrified, but ready. Part of me knows. Part of me is now going out in the dark with a lamp and is actually capable of looking for the rest. I feel halves are far more trustworthy than either extremes. It is just possible this is insanely positive.

I hope to Hades that made sense. So many little things are jumping out at me in your words, SO. Without any certainty, I feel nearly identical.

[dollyvee]

Hey SO,

I can really empathize with travelling to a foreign country and how difficult it can be, especially since I'm going through something similar right now (and I guess for almost half my adult life I've lived in other countries). I also think it's quite different for you because you will be going somewhere unknown to undertake an unknown, and deeply profound experience for yourself. That's a lot of trust and control to give up for someone with developmental trauma IMO. I can imagine it's a big ask on yourself, so I hope you can be gentle with yourself and take it just one day at a time.

Sending you support,
dolly

[SenseOrgan]

HAPPY NEW YEAR people !!! 

Armee, thank you. It seems I got lucky. I've been out of the big storm for over a week now, and the travel no longer scares me like it did in the EF. I'm now in a mental space I've been in before when I was about to do something challenging. In this state I'll be okay getting to the place I rented. It seems descent and safe. Nineteen years ago I traveled out of the country for therapy, and the places where I stayed were highly triggering. The therapy was helpful, so a mixed bag. No regrets though, you? 


Chart
Well said. You're making sense to me. Not many people tick like this, I've noticed. It's great to meet someone who does. Thank you for your encouragement.

Terrified but ready may be a good therapeutic spot. The curious, caring, trusting, ready part only needs to be a bit bigger than the fear to keep going. Those bread crumbs show the way, don't they? That's how it feels for me at least. It's an odd place to be in, where there's less defense, more vulnerability and fear, yet greater trust, all at the same time. I'm more ready to let someone in than I ever was. It's time to take the step I never could. There's no alternative for connection.

I've done crazier stuff than this to heal, yet nothing so much on target as this, I believe. The fear is there because I sense this goes right towards the core of my trauma. Being able to go there creates a serious therapeutic window, which indeed is positive, despite the intense emotions involved. We'll see how it plays out. I have very little to lose.


dollyvee
Thanks for sharing that and the nudge to be kind to myself. I'm taking notice. Seeing it phrased like that made me realize this is a big step even more so than I realized. Foreign country + therapy + psychedelics + developmental trauma + connection is a pretty serious stack. None of it is new to me, but the combination is. Plus my defenses are partially broken down due to my previous efforts. So it's no wonder I recently got a big scare and landed in an EF.

Are you in a good place at the moment, despite what you're going through?

[Hope67]

Wishing you a Happy New Year   

[Armee]

Happy New Year to you!!!! Your planned new start bodes well! I'm glad you are in a better place regarding the travels. And no, no regrets from me for my travels to heal. It is a very important and poignant part of my life and my relationships with my therapist and my husband and myself. 

[Chart]

Happy New Year my companion voyager. Along this road a host of amazing personalities, each slowly making his way forward. Yet all here have paused for me and offered up insights and perspectives that ring with promise. Encouragement becomes contagious: may this new year bring you and us all ever that much closer to the peace and love we so faithfully know is waiting.

[dollyvee]

Happy New Year!

I'm glad your EF is lessening and you are gaining some new perspective about your upcoming experience, and at the end of the day, it is just that, an experience. One amendment I will make is that it's not half of my adult life that I've lived in foreign countries, it's most of my adult life. Wow, I never realized that until I wrote it. (What's funny is I keep comparing things to "back home" and how the people are mostly different, which I guess is true, and I guess it matters a lot to me to is how people treat each other. Sorry, just rambling).

I'm not really sure how I feel/am at the moment tbh. I feel quite out of my "head" in the usual way, though I do feel like I'm trying to rengage some patterns, but also that maybe it feels weird to go back to them.

Wishing you all the best on your travels and hope you are able to get closer to what you need. 

dolly