Post-Traumatic Growth Journal

[SenseOrgan]

The past days I've been extra gentle with myself, since the dissociation/depersonalization had not gone away when I thought it had. The last bit in my previous entry turned out to be premature.

This morning I did a guided meditation. About 40 minutes into it I broke it off. It was exacerbating what was going on. It increased the weirdness. Not a good idea. Not now.

There were still several bags with stuff and clothes in the shed. Possibly with bed bugs in them. My winter jacket for one. I hadn't forced myself to take care of it, which I think was a good call in this state. Now it was time to take some of it to a drying machine. Riding the bike it was obvious I still hadn't landed. It was hard to not hop on the scary thoughts train and extrapolate this state. Luckily I had stuff to do. This is one of the few situations in which distraction is actually constructive (thank god for the information age).

At the launderette I started reading Thich Nhat Hanh's Fear: Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm. Right up my alley. Seamlessly in line with some insights I gained from my PSIP experiences. Original fear rippling through life, always fighting different variations on the same theme. About inner child work within a few pages. Found it while looking for info on depersonalization. Good stuff.

By now enough normalcy has creeped in that I'm starting to have faith I'll land properly. Soon-ish. Right now I feel quite normal. I had a face to face conversation this afternoon, during which only a pinch of the weirdness was going on. That's encouraging.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my shrink. I think I'll bring up the dissociation right away. We'll see what time is left to talk about the PSIP week itself.

[Desert Flower]

Hi SenseOrgan, I applaud you again for the way you're navigating all these feelings and experiences and feeling what you need in the midst of it.

I'm also gonna check out the TNH book you mentioned on fear, that sounds helpful, thank you.

Keep taking care. 

[SenseOrgan]

Thank you for your kind words Desert Flower! I hope the book will be helpful to us both. 
---------------------------

Just got back from my visit to the shrink. He confirmed my suspicion about what's going on and how to best proceed. It helps to get that from my shrink, who's known me for a very long time. The dissociation is still present. Nowhere near as intense as it was, but it continues.

I hope my friend has time for a walk this weekend. I don't feel like being alone much. It's good that I can rest as much I as I need. I'm still very tired from last week. Shrink said he could see I was. I've been sleeping more since I got back home. The quality of the sleep seems to have improved somewhat. I don't get up like a train wreck. Too early to draw any conclusions.

[Chart]

Passed by and left some hugs behind :-)
 

[dollyvee]

Hey SO,

It's great to hear that you're feeling better after the dissociative episode 

I have no problem talking about the movements. It's actually something that would happen quite a bit during EMDR as well.  I guess I see it as just a release though there have been times when "sensations" have come up as well. For example, when I was listening to a second chakra frequency, the idea of money and the relationship to money in my family showed up. I feel like I saw the history, the living through the Second World War etc and how difficult it must have been, but these ideas just sort of "floated" up.

Poss TW-

I had some quite extreme movements with this as well where my arms went up to the side of my head and it felt like I was being pinned down, or is the position you would be in if you were pinned down.

End Tw-

The second chakra is the chakra relating to money and sex. I've had others where it was like throwing myself on the bed, and my body would raise slightly, then slam down. Funnily enough, I found a video on Tibetan yogis and there is a practice where they repeatedly slam their bodies on the ground, I think to "loosen" energetically. A lot of the times though it's jus shaking in my upper body, arms, tensing in the torso. To me, the frequencies have perhaps the same effect as a Tibetan singing bowl would, and that certain frequencies attune to certain vibrations, and is maybe a way to bring "energetic stuff" into the conscious mind to process. There is an idea of the "subtle" body in Buddhism, which IMO relates to this.

That's interesting as well that "you've trained for many years to not go there" and have gone into a dissociative state after the experience. Perhaps it is a place where you need to go?

Sending you support 
dolly

[Hope67]

Hi SenseOrgan,
I am also sending you support, and I also noted down the book title you mentioned - as it sounds like it might be helpful.  Thank you.
Hope

[SenseOrgan]

Chart
Nice to find them, thank you 


dollyvee

Hi there! This is the first time I hear about physical movements during EMDR (which I didn't study extensively). I had suspected that EMDR works by occupying the mind, so that emotions can slip passed and be processed when triggered. It makes sense there can also be a bodily component to it, although not aimed for in EMDR as far as I'm aware. You may have a talent for this too, or you may have done a lot prior to this to have this response (also to the sounds). I'm thrilled (hope that's not inappropriate). Energetic stuff is a challenge for my skeptical mind (partially due to the origin of my trauma), but I'm keeping it open. It may all be true and I may one day see for myself. Thanks for sharing and your support. 

With the "training" I meant staying with the bodily sensations and emotions, instead of identifying with the mind and trying to figure out what's going on (as a subtle way of avoiding the experience). A good preparation for the selective inhibition component in PSIP, it seems. The dissociation that followed the last PSIP session caught me by surprise though. Quite a few factors went into this mix of the whole week. It can be interpreted several ways, which makes it difficult to determine where to go from here. Dissociation is not something that normally happens to me and this incident scares me. I may have found a way to get to the root of my fears, which my system responded to by protecting me with dissociation. In that case I think I need to explore it further at some point. The whole week may have tipped me over the edge and landed me in dissociation. It's hard to say. It was a bit much, that's for sure. First, properly land! Very close to it. I'm not dissociating anymore I think.


Hope67
Thank you! I hope the book helps. 

[Chart]

SenseOrgan, Reading your posts about your dissociative episode got me seriously thinking... Something about the situation you described... went against an intuitive... suspicion...? Feeling...?

Do we not generally view dissociation in a relatively negative sense? Aside from the admittedly and generally accepted belief that it is a protective system, which is just in place to help us avoid pain?

But here's what's come to me tonight (on my third reading of your last post... I jump around a lot... :-)

What if there are two aspects of Dissociation? One being protection, but the other being Healing itself?

What about the possibility that dissociation actually has a  primary purpose of allowing neural networks the down-time they need to reorganize and restructure? What if dissociation is actually fundamentally linked to the actual healing?

When I was in my fourth year in France I was seriously frustrated regarding my comprehension level of French. I'd been working and studying very hard for years on the language and could at that point speak relatively well. However my comprehension seemed to be lagging majorly. I still just didn't understand what people were saying. I didn't get it. It seemed to be taking me far too long compared with many others I knew in a similar situation. I was teaching English at the time and immersed in the pedagogy of language learning. I had a diploma from the American University in the subject and my situation just didn't seem to make sense. I knew I must somehow be "blocked", but the solution to my problem remained a mystery. I remember all this very well. A good friend at the time listened to my analysis and nonetheless promised me that, "It will come." (I also now know that my problem was specifically linked to my trauma.) Anyway, shortly after this I flew back to the US for a three week visit. Naturally I re-immersed myself back into English and didn't even think about it too much aside the fact that everything was suddenly so much easier in my native language. Then the vacation was over and I flew back to France. Imagine my shock when a few days after my return I realized that my French comprehension had immensely improved. All of a sudden I could understand much much better what people were saying. At the time I immediately attributed this change to the "down-time" I'd just had in the US. Which I still believe was correct. My brain just needed to stop using my French comprehension circuits to build them up. Could this not be the primary purpose of Dissociation?

When we go through an intense learning process, doesn't it make sense that our brain has to shut down certain zones while making the necessary changes? Just like work on a metro line? Can't run the trains while repairing the tracks...

Chronic dissociation could have developed out of this primary function, and might have a hindering effect. But perhaps there are other situations where we just need to switch off certain sections (especially after major work) in order to restructure specific neural networks.

I'm going to start looking at the possible positive outcome from short-term "unique" dissociation (that is to say not overly repeated).

Just a thought :-)

[dollyvee]

I'm not sure as I believe I've had them in all my EMDR sessions. I don't think it's necessarily an aptitude for it, but perhaps a result of just having to suppress everything growing up (all emotions, thoughts reactions etc that could and often were met with some kind of punishment). So, while I feel like I am functioning "normally" at a cognitive level, processing things "intellectually," my body is reminding me that there are very different memories stored. Perhaps this is because it was just too terrifying to address them cognitively at the time, and/or I didn't have the cognitive ability as an infant to do that. Perhaps your body/you feel that you are not in a safe place to feel/release whatever is coming up and has gone into a form of dissociation.

My understanding of EMDR is that it kind of does a, "look over there!" distraction exercise while the targeted emotions come up. So, it engages parts of the brain that can focus on sensation (?) and something it can "do" while these memories come up, which I think is what you're saying too. So, my mind is no longer focused on suppressing the sensations to function cognitively.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I would be interested to hear about how energy and the skepticism around that is impacted by your trauma if you want to talk about it. For me, I would say that I was a lot more skeptical in the past. As I started doing the work, I have come to acknowledge that certain things are "true" for me. In the past, I felt I would have had to "run things by" someone else to get an understanding of my own reality, and this is exactly what I had to do growing up in a narcissistic household. My reality/me was never acknowledged. That's also not to say that I'm going to believe in things just "because," but have to believe the "evidence" even if it doesn't make "sense." And a lot of the times, I don't understand it, but it's almost like the "evidence" is so strong that I can't not believe it. So, have found other sources that deal with these things. This started with me trying IFS and experiencing things I couldn't understand at first, but were in fact very "real." I would recommend it if you haven't tried it, but also perhaps to read up on grounding and Self as well as it's imperative for dissociation.

For me, I think when you're dealing with preverbal trauma, there is a lot of big "fears" out there, and perhaps those are exacerbated when one becomes disembodied, which may have happened as an infant allowing one to access "esoteric" spaces (going from Healing Developmental Trauma here). Maybe this is mimicked in PSIP and psychedelic therapy. For me, the below is really interesting though it's sometimes difficult for my preverbal self to grasp what the concepts are. I find it similar how he speaks of "the great mother" and then there is I who come from a long line of "mothering" and identity (NPD) issues. Anyways, you might find it interesting.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jn0g05e8QIs&list=PLaSy-g6A5sG3Jvh8Ru5k--D_0VUlZPpEw&index=18

I hope you are finding a safe landing   

[Chart]

I guess I wanted to conclude that despite the discomfort you felt at this nagging and enduring feeling of dissociation, maybe all that was in effect the aftermath of some major positive changes...

Hopefully time will tell... How are you doing as time passes and things settle?

[SenseOrgan]

Chart/dollyvee
Thanks for thinking with me. I soaked it all in and let the matter settle for a bit. The dissociation went away on it's own, after which the anxiety around it followed suit. I knew I had to land first, before I could decide how to proceed from here. In my experience an anxious state rarely is a good place from where to do that. When the muddy water was left alone for some time, it became more clear.

It seems highly likely to me and both health care professionals I consulted that the therapy week was too much. My PSIP T suggested to take it down a notch. The next step is going to be more gentle. This is a rather simple and pragmatic response to what happened. It's the middle way between wanting to continue with PSIP and taking disturbing feedback from my system seriously.

A given in life is that sometimes decisions have to be made on the basis of little data. And calculated risks are often necessary to get ahead. Fear is a complicating factor. Especially in the case of (developmental) trauma. I take it very seriously, but it can't be the final factor informing my decisions. After all is said and done, I usually go with my intuition. This time too. I'm going to give myself some more time to settle down after what has happened, before I take a next step. I'll leave it at that for now. 

[Hope67]

Hi SenseOrgan,
Intuition is a powerful tool.  It can be based on lots of things.  Sending you a hug of support 
Hope

[dollyvee]

Hi SO,

Good to hear that things are better. Sending you support 

dolly

[SenseOrgan]

Thank you Hope67 and dollyvee 
*****************************************


I cheked in at OOTS almost every day. And started typing away many times. Only to delete it again, just not being clear on what it is that I'd want to say, if anything at all. My words dried up for a while.

Significant bouts of depression last week. Buddy, there's stuff inside which has top priority, it tells me. So much so, that not much can penetrate the despair. There's a thorn in you're heart, and you will not florish in any way, shape, or form untill you have found a way to take it out. My subconscious is dead set on having this at the top of my agenda. The better I learned to listen, the more impossible it became to not hear.

Almost everything oozes the utter aloneness of the past, which is now so close to the surface. It shows up in triggers most often. The unfulfilled need to have my inner experience reflected back to me by an attuned parent. To have it acknowledged, at least. Safety. Welcome. Belonging. Love.

I walk around in a giant mirror called the world. What I project onto it is how I experience life. Deep down I'm still a little boy, desperate for a safe and loving connection. His grief and pain is devastating. It shows up with the slightest hint. I seem to have become ever more specific in what does not trigger. Claustrophobic. EF's galore.

I don't want this to vanish. Wishing the messenger away is not the constructive thing to do. I would betray myself. There's no peace in fragmentation. I am one and what was too big to handle always finds a way to make itself known. It IS part of me. The love that the little boy so desperately longs for only existed in a window in time. It is closed forever. His heart is broken.

And then he WAS able to connect and experience love and safety, so many decades later. It was a shock to the system there is a way in. Different from the transpersonal love I experienced before. There really is a way to relate to the boy on a human level too. Still. The scene in which he cried in despair and held on to her hand for dear life must have been heart breaking to witness.

I think what happened in the wake of this is an even greater sense of how devastating the lack was. It was an exceptionally positive, corrective, experience to relate in this way. And the contrast was extremely painful. I feel like I'm still adjusting after an experience that's so different from what I've been used to all my life. Almost everything about me is wrapped up in surviving, in staying alive without something so tender as this.

Survival is what I know, what I'm good at. I got a glimpse of what life would be like in connection. Peanuts, I called it. I lost track of it in the turbulent phase post sessions. Working with psychedelics always feels like a fast fading dream afterwards. It retracts to the unconscious soon after. This was the first time I went in there with the purpose of planting a seed. That sure happened. I'll be going back in less than two weeks for another attempt.

[Chart]

SenseOrgan, your posts so often ring like ethereal bells in my head. Your description brings up memories that I haven't ever really been able to put into concrete ideas, let alone words. Is this the core of pre-verbal trauma? A vague sense-ghost of intense nostalgia..? all orbiting around the void of love and feeling secure or just being held?
Thank you for your expressions and sharing. Sending love.