Post-Traumatic Growth Journal

[SenseOrgan]

Thanks for being here Chart. I haven't been able to finish reading your journal yet. But I recognize what happened to you post break-up. It's heart breaking to read. I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been there too, and barely survived it. A part of that was present, adult grief. Most of it wasn't. It was the experience of the void, bursting into consciousness. An EF which lasted for years. Re-activated with an unexpected encounter, five years later, and again with an unexpected e-mail ten years after the break-up. No declarative memory. Just unfathomable pain, loneliness, despair.

At it's core, it never was about the break-up. Not the adult one. All this time, this one had been the foundation of who I became. I had been looking for events, attempting to understand why I had wanted to die for so long. Eventually I understood it's about what did not happen. My heart always knew. Attachment trauma just hides in plain sight, since it's in who we identify as and how we experience the world. A fragile structure built on the brink of annihilation, with the cornerstone missing. It's all about love. 

[Desert Flower]

The unfulfilled need to have my inner experience reflected back to me by an attuned parent. To have it acknowledged, at least. Safety. Welcome. Belonging. Love.

Yes, that.

I'm with you SenseOrgan, you're definitely on to something here. 

[SenseOrgan]

Thank you Desert Flower. I'm sorry that you understand this, but I'm grateful you're here 
By the way, I've always liked your name. It reminds me of my urbex days. The most fascinating thing about it was to see life flourish in inhospitable places. No coincidence there... 

[sanmagic7]

i agree, senseorgan, it is all about love.  i totally relate to what you said about so much of this being about what did not happen.  same here. people can say 'i love you' but not know what that means, what it entails, how it's shown.  or, not saying it when it's needed to be said.  what did not happen.  ugh!  it just screws w/ everything that comes after.  love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

to see life flourish in inhospitable places

Yes, it will regardless. Thank you. And we can now give ourselves what we needed to be nourished in the first place.

[Chart]

i agree, senseorgan, it is all about love.  i totally relate to what you said about so much of this being about what did not happen.  same here. people can say 'i love you' but not know what that means, what it entails, how it's shown.  or, not saying it when it's needed to be said.  what did not happen.  ugh!  it just screws w/ everything that comes after.  love and hugs

'I love you' means something different to us. It is the joy that fills the void. A draught of cool water at the peak of the dune. The setting of the sun with someone holding our hand. But the glass is always half empty. "Having" in the present is only a reminder of what never was in the past. It cannot be circumnavigated. We can encircle the globe, but never re-find our starting point. It seems we carry it with us the whole voyage. And now when I finally accept that I must drop it, I look and find my hands are empty. But there they are, my ex and my father, off in the distance, the saddest of expressions on their faces... as if none of this was anything to do with them. Torture by hypocrites.

[SenseOrgan]

sanmagic7
Yeah, a (young) child has no concepts of love, but is impacted by it like nothing else. It's often in very little things which speak louder than words. Attunement is a good summery for me. It can also be confusing when behavior doesn't match what is said. There can be an incredible amount of violence going on just below the radar. It profoundly shapes a developing nervous system. It's bloody hard to update, but I feel I have no choice but to keep going for it. Much love. 

Desert Flower
Yes, this is an ongoing invitation to meet our younger selves with the compassion and care they deserve. In my better days I can see it's a beautiful process to welcome them home. What was a tough lesson for me though, is that I need to heal in relation to a safe other. The process is also about relating to others authentically and vulnerably. The pain may never be fully processed, but it can be the thing which makes true connection possible. This is a silver lining I also see playing out on this forum. 

Chart
Over the years, I've seen this change from always present, full in my face, to episodes. I wouldn't be surprised if it'll never fully resolve. It could though. In the EF, it is a given that this void will always be the case. Out of it, I can see that the thought about the future is a projection of my current state. The thought has no knowledge about the future. It doesn't come from the future. It is a reflection about what is going on now and an extrapolation of the past. I have no way of actually knowing how I'll feel in a given moment which isn't here. If I look back at where I came from, I'm now where I never could imagine myself to be. Alive, for one. Life is still rough. Very rough at times. And it's 1000x better than it was overall. There is a lot I have no say in and a lot that hurts. I'm most at peace when I take life as it comes. Practicing this has become more important to me than insisting on life being a certain way. I'm often reminded of how Shinzen Young captured it: Suffering = Pain x Resistance. Much love. 

[sanmagic7]

interesting observation about pain being a connection among people, senseorgan.  this forum is a perfect example of that, for sure. 

may i gently disagree with something you said, about not having a choice.  actually, you do, and you are choosing to keep going for it, unlike many others who decided and chose otherwise.  it speaks to your strength and determination to not let everything from your past define you and your life going forward.  that's inspiring. this forum is filled w/ people who continue to choose to fight, struggle, and 'update' (love this concept!) to have a healthier life and outlook going forward.  a more loving one, which, to my mind, is the best kind.

thank you for your wisdom.  love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

I like your reflections very much. You'll definitely get there.

The thought has no knowledge about the future. It doesn't come from the future. It is a reflection about what is going on now and an extrapolation of the past.

This reminds me of something I read with the School of Life. They say our fears about the future are not so much about things that might actually/likely happen, but more likely about things that already happened.

I need to heal in relation to a safe other. The process is also about relating to others authentically and vulnerably.

And this is very true I think as well. Relating to others who care about us gives us new messages about ourselves that we need very much. And that we can use to slowly but steadily rewire.

[Papa Coco]

Senseorgan,

I just read a response you made to my MDMA thread back in November. I confess that during November, December and January I was in a difficult place in my walk and was not able to stay in touch with all my responses to my posts of November.  So I didn't read your amazing, AMAZING response to my MDMA report until just now.

I want you to know that I resonate deeply with what you wrote that day. You wrote about spirituality in ways that truly expresses my own experiences with it. You mentioned that you entered into spiritual understanding as a way to avoid suicide from loneliness, only to discover you are lonely now still. You feel as if you are alone with your understanding. I want to change that.

I resist discussing it in much detail here on the main forum because we have rules about not talking about politics and religion. While spirituality is not religion, it comes close enough to warrant caution in where it is discussed.

I want to say though that what you said about eternity and spirituality is perfectly aligned with my beliefs and experiences. My one MDMA experience changed me profoundly by giving me that experience of finally experientially knowing what I had only been able to believe up to then. We believe with our heads, but we know with our hearts. I always believed I was connected to all things and all people, but the MDMA helped me to experience that connection for real. And that changed me profoundly. I've been living in a sense of reverence ever since. (Reverence, to me, is the knowing that I'm not alone spiritually. Knowing and believing are two very different things. It's like the difference between having read that skydiving is safe and fun versus having gone skydiving for real and experiencing it. Reverence doesn't come from reading about spirituality. It comes from experiencing it and knowing now that it's absolutely real).

I regret that it took me 3 months to read your response, but I'm truly grateful for what you wrote that day.

[SenseOrgan]

sanmagic7
Thank you for your kind words. I'm honored to mingle with people like yourself in this wonderful place. I have a lot of catching up to do, since I'd like to know more about your back stories. All in good time. It's great we can inspire and encourage each other here. Directly via interaction and indirectly via reading posts. There have been a couple of moments where I felt quite bad and wasn't able to put my state into words. At these moments it was a relief to be able to read what others had posted here, knowing it came from people who understand this great challenge. The overall vibe here is constructive and very supportive. I like to think that interacting here has an impact on life offline.

Desert Flower
I'm glad you like them and thank you very much for your encouragement. I'd agree with what you read with the School of Life. Certainly in the context of C-PTSD. It's like our system expects what has happened to continue to happen. There's no update that those experiences culminate in something very difficult, which eventually subsides. It's clear to me there is little/no memory of resolution on board, which gives thoughts about the future their sticky feeling tone. I can relate to thoughts and feelings about "the future" as a difficult experience I have NOW though.

Papa Coco
Thank you for stopping by and responding to my comment on your thread! No matter how much time passed, I'm very happy it resonates and I really appreciate your reply. The feeling is mutual. I was delighted to discover your writings about this subject. I'll say more about it in a PM, since indeed this can be pretty triggering for people.



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I had another PSIP session. Different vibe this time. No bedbugs. The city more familiar. Not so alienating. I know the drill. It helps. Apparently not with my anxiety around needles. I'm embarrassed to say the prospect of being injected had been stressing me out quite a bit prior to it happening. It doesn't help it's with a psychoactive substance. Just one session this time. Better to take it down a notch after what happened last time.

Shivers. Trembles. Cold. T feels too far away. I readily agree to have her sit next to me. It's great, this connection. Safe. Familiar. My body takes over right away. All of my physicality is involved. My legs behave like I have a seizure. Emotionally I dip into familiar terrain. Sadness, loneliness, fear. I forgot a lot already. It was less overwhelming than last time. I remained nearly fully present throughout. Aware of what was happening and easily in connection with T.

Than there is the distinct tension in my neck again. The characteristic movements start again. Very intense contractions. Painful. A slow and incredibly powerfull force takes over. None is done at will. There is a relief in this. As if I can finally stretch after not having been able to for ages. I'm mostly fascinated by what is happening. Again. And it feels more familiar. It also feels right.

There's a transitional phase in which I start associating and communicating without much thought. T has me say a few things, which evoke a deeper felt sense of insights I had before. On some level I believe I'm worhty of getting my needs met. Yet on a deepr level I don't. A new reality has been introduced into my system. This is very positive. And it's in conflict with my sense of identity. The same goes for connection. It feels so familiar to go through life alone. It's tied in with surival. And with loneliness. I really want to continue connected, and it still feels like "not me". I'm torn between both worlds. Not wanting or even being able to continue as I always have, and not entirely okay letting it go and standing on the new leg. It's okay. It's positive.

Saying goodbye stirs up a deep sadness in me. This is such a big contrast for the little boy who got to connect again. He knows he's been seen though, and the sadness doesn't morph into despair because of this.

On my way home I realize how important it is for the inner child to have a witness to his pain. It's incredibly validating and liberating to be so vulnerable with a safe other. There are more levels to this. One is that whatever it is that's frightening or overwhelming is less so while in connection with a safe and compassionate other. What was true when I was a child still is true for the little one who is a primary part of me. I love the guy to bits, but there is no substitute for relating to another person through the child's perception. Human relational wounding requires human relational healing, as Saj Razvi so aptly summarized the medicine.

Home again, I feel lighter. As if I have wiggle room again. Choices. Options. No stuckness. The sadness is gone. The world seems more friendly. My dream last night reflected how scary it is for me to be under the influence of a psychedelic in front of another person. There was also trust that I'm capable and that there is safety there. It wasn't total terror, like there was in a dream after a previous session.

[Desert Flower]

It's been a while since you wrote this but I still wanted to say I read it and again I'm amazed by your experiences and your bravery to be going through this.

how important it is for the inner child to have a witness to his pain. It's incredibly validating

I've been working on that too.
and

whatever it is that's frightening or overwhelming is less so while in connection with a safe and compassionate other.

[SenseOrgan]

Thank you Desert Flower. It's wonderful to not be alone with this anymore. 
**********************************************

TW/Explicit account of a therapy session

I'm not sure if I should share such detailed info about my sessions. Somehow it feels dishonest to do it in another way. And I do want to share.

I had another session. The first one via video call. This brought up my fear of being visible. Even though my previous sessions were filmed, this was more scary to me. I had even pointed a lamp right at me to get sufficient lighting for the video call. I felt really exposed, in my own bed. There's something about somebody watching me from a distance. This came up in a meditation retreat before. It recently occurred to me that it's about not getting the feedback that the relationship is okay. So a distant person who I can't get away from who is somehow connected to me. The felt sense of it is "evil eye". This is about my M alright.

Before the session I had felt the anxiety around this theme increase. "This is perfect", I thought. This is the type of dynamic which is playing out in my life all the time. I had even wondered if my T wasn't too safe for me, since this hadn't come up before. It's a bit of a paradox wanting to take unsafety within the therapeutic relationship into the safety of a therapeutic container. In order to address this in therapy, it can't be too safe and it can't be too unsafe either. It a delicate balance. Almost a dance between interests that are hostile to each other.

Anyway, I got lucky with the camera thing and brought it up right away. I wasn't expecting much to happen, because I had the impression I wasn't far enough into a non-ordinary state of consciousness. It took effort to go into my bodily sensations and emotions. Patience, my eye mask, and T's guidance did work. I started crying and just stayed with the body and the sadness. The sadness descended from my throat, to my chest, to my belly. There was a round of gagging, which seems to happen every session.

It was scary to be so vulnerable and so visible and to interact about the fear and sadness I felt. And it felt good. Safe and scary and sad. Not too overwhelming. Just right. Exactly the attachment trauma I had wanted to address in a suitable therapy for so long. T remained extremely kind, understanding and supportive.

What became clear was that I had a hard time believing she actually cared about me. That anybody could. That it was possible. That it could exist somewhere. And at the same time I knew she wasn't lying. I couldn't let it be real. Yet I really wanted it to be. There was a battle going on inside me. Great ambivalence. Safety and loneliness on the one hand, uncertainty and kindness on the other. I could not let the good in.

To my surprise, my neck started tensing up again. Same thing as before, yet this time I was not as far into primary consciousness so the "taking over" wasn't as rigorous. It got really tense in one spot. Painful. Salamander like movements, circling around my axis. It was all fine. I ended up in a twisted position with an extremely tense neck and arched back. One hand towards T, my body in the other direction. The perfect metaphor for what played out inside me.

I just kept sobbing. Certain words T said hit really hard. They were kind words. They gained a little ground in my heart.

Post session I went back to the music I had been listening to before. It was rather emotional and hit me really hard. Now I was alone again. The loneliness was exacerbated. It was difficult to bare. We were going to have a bit of a follow up in a couple of hours and I could call if needed. It was needed. But I didn't call. I couldn't make myself. This is a particularly ingrained pattern. I waited until the loneliness had subsided a bit and then I called. It was great to connect. I felt a lot lighter afterwards.

A few hours later I joined a live sound journey via zoom, which my T had invited me to. It was great. I went through some more emotional release and than just enjoyed the journey. I felt connected. Part of this live thing happening with people from across the globe joining in at the same time. It was a really good day.

[Papa Coco]

SenseOrgan,

Wow. That sounds like it was a really good session. I am glad you shared with such detail. I could feel the emotions flowing. Not much in life is more beautiful than that amazing release from putting aside our thoughts and reasoning and just letting emotions flow as they want to.

To me, it's like that moment when I'm unclogging a water pipe or a drain, and I get that rejoicing, successful feeling as the clog washes away and the water flows freely.

Emotions flow. Everything flows. And your experience feels like you were able to move some energy in a really healing way.

Congratulations on the sensations of release and flow. For me, that's when therapy is at its best.

I hope the release carries you forward to the next level of healing.

Thanks for sharing this experience with us.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for sharing, senseorgan.  it sounded intense, to be sure.  i'm just glad you came out of that feeling better and not overwhelmed.  honestly, it sounds like a lot, but it's always amazing to me how our entirety is wrapped up in this trauma stuff.  love and hugs