Why does the shunning keep happening to me?

[Nasturtium]

It's kind of terrifying for me to write in this forum, even though I truly appreciate that this is here for all of us. It's easier to hide. but I guess in some ways I know that's not the best way to live.

I moved to a small town almost 3 years ago. This pattern of being unwelcomed, as I was in my family of origin (still am in this "we-like-you, we -don't like you" yoyo land with sisters), continues here. It's pretty impossible for me not to take this personally.

It keeps me in a pattern of never being fully 'In" anywhere.I always have one foot out the door.
Today I feel lost and hopeless.
Thank you for letting me share this.

[blue_sky]

I hear you and I hope you feel better soon.

If it's okay, here's a gentle hug 

[Nasturtium]

Thank you for the hug. I really need it.

[blue_sky]

Aww here's another one too 

[Kizzie]

I'm so sorry to hear you feel on the outside Nasturtium. I was and to some extent still quite fearful of this because I was rejected in my family and then in school.  I had friends but I hid myself from them and eventually it got to be too much hiding myself so I just let friends drift away and then didn't really try making any.

Just my thoughts here but as we come to like ourselves more in recovery, others see that in us and people feel more comfortable coming closer. Being on here is a start to learning and better yet feeling that.  You can say pretty much anything and members will get it and not turn away.  That's a powerful message to your self that you do belong.    We are different in that we have symptoms because of our trauma but not that different from anyone else.

We have symptoms from being abused/neglected and that is not on us, it's all on our perpetrators and we need to understand and feel this and learn to let go of the shame we all seem to end up with. That you can do here because we do get it.

Big group hug if you're OK with it     

[Papa Coco]

Nasturtium,

I'm sorry you have to deal with the feeling of being shunned. I know the feeling too.

I hope that the forum here helps you feel welcome. I used to have terrible nightmares that everyone I knew was leaving and I couldn't keep up because my legs wouldn't move. It was horrible. The nightmares came from having been shunned and treated like a disease when I was in Catholic School and at home with my family. Those dreams have stopped, but I still feel pretty terrified if I think I'm about to be shunned or left behind. That's why I resonate with what you're going through, and why I hope you aren't feeling it here.

I hope you feel welcome here. There really are some wonderful people on this forum

[Phoebes]

Oh I so relate to this. I was just feeling this in fact..there is never a place I go that something doesn't happen that makes me feel this. When I was younger I moved a lot because of it, hoping for fresh views and experiences.

Now I think maybe that there are many un-self aware people around, and their offensive behaviors are very triggering to someone who is hyper vigilant or just has this experience.  Maybe other people don't even notice sometimes. But I always notice the slightest slight. The mild eye roll to what I said, the small expression of disgust or contempt.

Other times, I am puzzled how these people pick me out. For example, I'm walking my dog at the Offleash dog Park when no one else is there. He's sniffing next to the walking trail when a lone jogger jogs by. She does not veer around him, but goes straight right where he is. I try to be polite and call him away from the edge of the trail so she can plow through, and he continues to sniff. She then stops and screams at me that if my dog won't listen, then I should have him on a leash. All she had to do was take two steps to the right as she's jogging by in the empty open field park. It's like they magnet to me out of nowhere.

Another example is the beloved husband of the beloved character in a music group that I am in, caught me alone and flipped his *. I was minding my own business and acted friendly, and he injected something strange like we should have stopped practicing an hour ago. I said some thing about being happy we got to practice a difficult song before Our performance. He huffed and puffed and said, what does he know? He's only been doing this for 70 years and stormed off. I don't even know this person other than peripherally, and nobody else was around. I'm sure no one would believe me or would accuse me of acting like a victim over something benign. But I recognize that narcissistic rage that comes out in people and I seem to be a magnet. And now I feel there is a damper on the joy I was feeling about this event and a "secret" knowledge that this geezer is likely a narc in disguise. I wish I had never tried to be friendly.

 Or maybe it comes out to other people and they just think wow that was crazy and it not stick in their nervous system like it does mine. That's what I try to do but it is very triggering to me. These types of things happen everywhere I go, which was originally my point. I've been shamed about being too sensitive from my abusers. Now I try to see sensitivity as a positive trait, but I hate it.