Sixty years experience

[Roy Alfred]

Hi,
Not sure how to begin so I will give a little backstory. I recently celebrated my 64 th birthday and in a few days it will be the 60 th anniversary of the first instance my father abused me. It was only a few days later I first considered taking my life, I was four years old. In the beginning it was mostly shaming and verbal/emotional abuse and by age 8 it became physical.

The direction of my relationship with my father I took as a boy was one who would try so hard and strive to please him through achievement. I was not a great student, but was a very good athlete, so making the "rep teams" and excelling in multiple sports was my way into my father's graces. I also found acceptance from my teammates and peers, which was a new experience. As much as I succeeded in my endeavors from an outside perspective, it was never good enough in my father's eyes, I didn't measure up, and he could be counted on to remind my how unaccomplished, inadequate, and unremarkable I was.

After years of on and off struggles with substances, mostly alcohol, I began my first therapy more that thirty years ago. I never really felt any better, because no one had considered complex trauma as factor in my behaviors and mental makeup. This was all extenuated when I met the mother of my children (we never married) and she continued the verbal, emotional, and on occasional physical abuse. As I learned more about mental health, and illnesses, I can reflect and realized she too was a survivor of a horrific childhood, except her propensity was to lean toward a traumatic narcissist.

The good news. I met my wife sixteen years ago. In fact, today is the sixteenth anniversary of our first date. She is a god send and could see the boy inside the man who had been damaged so completely. And she gave me space to work through my dark moments, even those that affected her in negative ways, with love, patient and understanding. I began to open to her about my experiences, which was good for me to speak about, and good for her to understand why I was as I was. I fear if I had not met her when I did, I doubt I would have survived.

So here I am, with a community of similar folks who I know can relate to my story. My reason to be here is I often feel so alone in this journey and it is great to have a place to share my lows and highs. I look forward to this new journey.

RA

[Papa Coco]

HI Roy

Welcome to the forum. If you came looking to take on your loneliness, and to share your lows and highs, then you found exactly what you were looking for.

I just turned 64 also. I became suicidal at age 12 in Catholic school. The abuse at home, plus the abuse at school, had become too much for me to take. I spent a couple of weeks out of school on tranquilizers. Then when I could hold down food again, they sent me right back into the fire. The first 25 years of therapy were useless, as, like you say, they didn't consider trauma to be a problem until just a few years ago. I found this forum 3 years ago and joined because I just didn't know if I could keep going without someone to talk to that understands what goes on in my stressed brain.

There's a lot of compassion and empathy here. Occassionally, some of us even help the others with good information about trauma and treatments. Most of us are just here to be with people who get us. It feels good.

I'm of the opinion that feeling unwanted is at the core of our residual trauma sadness. Most of us on the forum have varied backstories, but with one thing in common: We felt unlovable as kids, and many of us as adults also.

So here on the forum, we are kind and compassionate and interested in each others highs and lows.

I'm glad you found the forum. I look forward to more interactions.

PC.

[Roy Alfred]

Hi PC... thank you for the warm welcome. I have been looking for a venue like this for a few years. I am so glad I found it. For me, being able to speak about my experiences, and hear from others is so beneficial.

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome. I am sorry you had such an awful time as a child, and so happy you found your wife. I'm also happy you have found us and I hope you find your time here to be helpful and comforting.

[Armee]