Hey guys, they are killing me again

[blueteddy]

Today was really hard. My family has been so cruel to me, and it's getting harder to deal with. I can't believe how they treat me, especially when all I'm trying to do is take care of myself and find some happiness, even if it's just for a little while.

Yesterday, I bought food for myself—with my own money—and shared it with them because they guilt-tripped me into it. I thought that maybe it would make them a bit kinder or let me have some peace, but today it only got worse. They were bullying me for cooking noodles, noodles I bought with my own money, mocking me for wanting to eat healthier and calling me a hypocrite. I felt so small, so worthless. They told me I was unhealthy, and then demanded I share my food with them, like I don't even deserve to eat what I've made for myself. They even made me feel like I have to bring it to them first before I get to eat, or they'll abuse and guilt-trip me worse.

And the worst part? I told them my birthday is coming up, hoping that maybe, just maybe, they would be a little bit nicer, or even take me somewhere nice for once. But instead, they saw it as a chance to drain me even further. They demanded that I use my own money to buy food for them—not even considering what I might want for myself, not even acknowledging that it's my day. All I wanted was to be treated a little bit special, to be acknowledged for once, but it's just been used against me to get more out of me.

It's so frustrating. I just wanted them to show me some kindness, to maybe celebrate my existence, but instead, it feels like they don't even care. My birthday has always been a reminder of how little I matter to them. I always hoped it would be different, but it's just the same every year. I'm treated like I don't even exist.

I keep trying to be kind, to meet their demands, but all it does is drain me more and more. It hurts so much. They take, take, take, and leave me with nothing. It's like I'm not allowed to exist, to have any peace, any space. I feel so alone in all of this.

It all just reminds me of my graduation ceremony, where I was bullied and abused by the entire family. It seems like that's how it always is. No matter what I do, no matter how much I try to please them, it never matters. I'm still just the punching bag. It's exhausting.

I feel like I'm always sacrificing my happiness, my peace, my health for people who don't even care about me. I don't know how much more I can take, but I just want to be seen, to be respected, and to be allowed to exist without feeling guilty for taking care of myself.

I told you before that my family wants to kill me, and honestly, I feel it happening every day. It's not just about the physical exhaustion anymore; it's about the mental and emotional toll they're taking on me. One day, I won't even recognize myself anymore, or maybe I won't even be sane. Sometimes it feels like I'm losing everything inside, and it's all because of them. I'm losing myself, piece by piece, and I don't know if I'll ever be the same again.

The thing that really gets to me today is the unfairness of it all. My mom doesn't guilt trip or blame my brothers when they order massive amounts of food just for themselves. But when I try to have a meal, it's a whole different story. I have to justify every bite, and they demand more than I can give. My only option to enjoy food, to enjoy anything, is to do it in secret, to get away from them and eat outside, alone.

And then there's my little sister. She's too brainwashed by my mom, too far gone to see her for who she really is. It's so painful watching them worship her, handing her food without question, while I'm left to beg for scraps or get scolded for feeding myself. It hurts in ways I can't even describe, not just because of what I see, but because of what I've been forced to endure.

Me and my Ian believe my mom really has incestuous feelings toward my brothers, especially the narcissistic sociopath criminal one. Yeah, I've seen some disgusting things she does for them. It's beyond, beyond disturbing. I am more than traumatized, and it's not just what I saw, but also what I experienced. I feel like the weight of everything is crushing me, and I don't know how much longer I can take it.

It feels like everything inside of me is breaking down. Parts of myself have disappeared, been buried under the weight of this abuse. But I try to remind myself that one day, those parts of me will come back. It will take time, therapy, and a better environment to heal, but I won't let them steal everything from me. I won't let them win.

I just have to hold on for now, even when it feels impossible. One day, I'll get back to me. I will.

[Kizzie]

I feel like I'm always sacrificing my happiness, my peace, my health for people who don't even care about me. I don't know how much more I can take, but I just want to be seen, to be respected, and to be allowed to exist without feeling guilty for taking care of myself.

BlueTeddy, I don't think your family will ever give you what you want. Just my thoughts here but I think you need to set boundaries and stop trying to please or appease them.  It just makes things worse in the case of people like them. You will remain the scapegoat until you say "No more" and establish clear, firm boundaries about how you are to be treated. Unfortunately the are likely to push back so you must stand firm until they stop (but it's not likely they will ever be who you deserve them to be, they will just behave a bit better), or leave the household and live as you want to live without all the abuse.

[Armee]

Maybe writing can be part of your ticket out eventually. Hang in there the best you can until you can escape.