Am I sabotaging my relationship?

[inescapably_aware]

I feel like I'm sabotaging my relationship. I was supposed to go out with my partner and his family for his sister's birthday this evening, it was going to be a dinner at a restaurant in town, I thought I could do that, but plans changed and they decided they would just meet at their parents' house and make plans from there, maybe get a takeaway and eat in or go out somewhere local to them. I started feeling anxious whilst I was getting dressed, didn't feel like I had anything to wear, was thinking about the conversations, having to explain how I've been recently and that I haven't made any progress on finding a new job, that i'm doing nothing with my life and i'm very unwell.

I freaked out in the car as we were about to head over, I was scared of going to their house. I feel very uncomfortable in other people's family homes, I feel trapped. I told my partner and he tried to convince me to just push through, told me I was spiralling and we should just go and it would be fine when I get there. I was thinking about me breaking down in tears in front of them all, or being quiet and weird, or worse being rude and angry. I feel like I need to explain why I'm like this and apologise to them all. He raised his voice at me and shouted "Fine just go", I don't want to make him angry, but it's not the first time I've pulled out of plans last minute and he's had to make up excuses to explain my absence. I feel bad, I feel like I'm ruining this relationship and now I'm catastrophising about being alone, he does so much for me, he's been so supportive, I've quit my job and he's supporting me financially. I don't know what I'd do without him. He said he doesn't want to explain to them why I'm not there. I told him i'm fine with him telling them the truth, that I have C-PTSD and I get very anxious and overwhelmed sometimes. He said he doesn't want to explain for me, that I'm an adult and I should be able to tell them myself. He said that he goes to my family events even though he's uncomfortable. I told him I'm trying and that it's not the same for me. I hate that I'm like this, I hate that I can't just push through it, why do I get so overwhelmed by everything. I messaged him saying I love you, he left me on read. I'm scared that he's going to tell me he can't do this anymore, I know it's difficult to be in a relationship with me. I flinch when he touches me sometimes, that must be horrible for him. Does anyone have any advice? I feel really alone and scared.

[Armee]

I'm sorry. I feel all that pain and fear and guilt. I'm very similar also in a good relationship but have all your same behaviors. The best advice I have is to be as honest as you can about what is going on with you and what ptsd is like and why you have it. 

It's really difficult, I know. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Sorry you're dealing with that, inescapably_aware. I don't think you're sabotaging your relationship. And I definitely don't think that your partner raising his voice like that would have helped anyway. If I were you, hearing his tone like that would have made my emotional flashback feel even worse!

Perhaps you could provide your partner some resources on CPTSD? Maybe both try to understand how to deal with emotional flashbacks in moments like that? Because "just pushing through" doesn't generally work. For those sorts of situations, I would first personally recommend some stabilisation/grounding, reassure yourself that you're an adult, in control, and things aren't like how they were in the past. But I know this doesn't work for everyone.

Wishing you the best.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[snuz]

Hi there. Just reading your post a few weeks later. I hope you were able to come to peace about the situation. For what it's worth I don't think you were sabotaging your relationship. In my mind sabotage has intention behind it, and living with the consequences of trauma isn't something you're doing intentionally. I hope you're doing better.